People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

1. CANCER. 
2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
11. STUBBING YOUR TOE('S).
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)

My 61 Bitchin' Bucket List Ideas

If you live paycheck to paycheck like I do, well....checking off the items on your bucket list isn't exactly an easy task. It's actually more like a joke, really. 

 Your all like, " Shit yeah, I am SO going to Vegas and Hawaii!" 

Then you look at your bank account and your all like, " Yeah, well you know....scratch tickets, a six pack and looking at Google images of Maui are cool, too, though so....that's cool. " 

Yeah. Super cool. Thumbs up, dude.

Anyway, we all have things we want to do, places we want to see and even people we want to meet before we, uhhh, 'kick the bucket' and I've decided to share some of my bucket list items. Chances are, some of these Bad Larry's are on YOUR list, too. Check it out and we can be day dream believers together!!

Your totally singing "Daydream Believer" in your head now, aren't cha? Mmm, hmm.

1. Eat some Swiss chocolate while traveling the Swiss Alps.

2. Travel to all 50 states.

3. Hear "California Love" by Tupac come on while dancing in a club while in California- Nuff said.

4. Swim with dolphins..

5. Be in a movie.

6. Go parasailing.

7. Hug a manatee.

8. Volunteer to help out with the Special Olympics.

9. Show Tom Hanks my Forrest Gump impression.

10. Learn to break dance.

11. Jump out of a birthday cake. 

12. Be a cartoon character. Or the voice of one, anyway. Ha.

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Hang out and shoot the poop with Ellen Degeneres.

15. Save a life.

16. Float around a zero gravity chamber.

17. Not be too afraid to skydive.

18. Moonwalk on the moon ( clearly, entering space is easier than skydiving).

19. Go to Vegas and roll some dice. And win big.

20. Wear a lei in Hawaii.

21. Go to England and pretend I'm a bloody local and have a pint of lager.

22. Lie in a field of wicked cute puppies.

24. Swim in an edgeless pool.

25. Go to a Sandals or a Beaches resort.

26. Take the family to every single Disney and Universal theme park.

27. Learn to snowboard. 

28. See the Northern Lights.

29. Dive the Titanic wreckage site. 

30. Put my feet in every ocean on Earth

31. Poke around the alleged Area 51 for some aliens.

32. Take a ride on a bobsled.

33. Go on a safari.

34. Eat a Philly cheesesteak in Philly.

35. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and yell, "I'm the king of the worlddddddd!" 

36. Eat a piece of Big Red next to Big Ben. Yeah, I don't know why either.

37. Actually do something for a Klondike bar.

38. Drive a motorcycle. 

39. Sing and record some tunes in a recording studio.

40. Crowd surf.

41. Real life wave surf.

42. Ice fish inside an igloo.

43. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.

43. See a great white shark...from really far away.

44. Pet a tiger cub.

45. Put a diaper on a monkey and feed it a bottle.

46. Carve my initials in a red wood tree.

47. Eat an apple in an Apple Store.

48. See a tornado.....also from really far away.

49. Roll down the rolling hills of Scotland.

50. Hang glide.

51. Go on a cruise.

52. Ride on a Zamboni.

53. Lose 35 lbs. 

54. Spend Christmas in a snowed in cabin in the mountains.

55. Sip a rum runner on an exotic beach in Fiji.

56. Go on a helicopter ride.

57. See Mt. Everest. 

58. Walk the Great Wall of China.

59. Go white water rafting.

60. Go ghost hunting. Maybe. 

61. Host Saturday Night Live. 

Believe it or not, that's probably just half of the things I'd like to do, see, and enjoy in my lifetime. I don't want to have to have a terminal illness or near death experience to say to myself that I need to do these things. Being alive and having one life should be reason enough.

So I don't know about you, but I plan to work really hard to attain even the unattainable on my list and hope that I'm lucky enough to cross off a few things. 

Course, for most of them I need millions of dollars and a whole lot of time but hey, ya never know!

Cheers to dreaming big and emptying out our buckets!!!

The Logan Chronicles: The Cardboard Box

On this introductory episode of The Logan Chronicles, picture an adorable one-year-old boy that runs the entire household and takes all your shit.  A boy that wears a smirk and can fake a cry at the drop of a hat and knows when he does something wrong but does it anyway. A boy who I love more than anything in this world and  keeps me on my toes...literally. This little boy is my son.

He is pretty damn funny.

We moved to a new place back in September and, sadly, I had two boxes left full of absolute crap and random ish that I decided to go through today. I got one cleaned out and left the other one to collect more dust for another day; that first one really wiped me out.

Anyway, I gave the empty box to my son thinking he would crawl in it a couple times and get bored like he usually does, but instead...he played in it for over 3 hours. Hip, hip hooray!!!!! Mom can eat some snacks and watch a movie! Right?  Nottttt really. It didn't matter though, he hadn't been feeling well so watching him figure out what to turn this box into was way more fun!

Soon the box became several fun items at once for Logan; a cardboard mountain to sit on with glee,  a pair of bongos to make music on,  a cave,  a sweet hat to wear that made his giggles echo,  and of course: just a simple object to stack another object on so he could tip the top object over.  Naturally. 

Logan made me remember how often I used my insanely fantastic imagination when I was younger and how I was so easily amused.   Then in turn,  I realized how I don't use that imagination nearly enough as an adult and it made me kinda sad,  man.  As kids,  we didn't take life so seriously. We lived each day as it came while turning anything and everything into something fun; in adult terms,  this means we were always positive.  I get down on my hands and knees and play with my son daily and come up with silly voices and games turning myself into a child once more,  but once I stand back up..... I'm an adult again.  When did that happen?  I fear I'll say the same about my son quicker than I'd like. 

So today,  I thank my son, Logan Michael,  for reminding your Mom that sometimes we need to pull out the cardboard box and get creative; we need to forget the negative and embrace the positive and make the best of this messy,  insane life.  XOXO. 

  

8 Reasons I'm still in my 20's

I don't understand why soooooo much emphasis has to be put on being ' in our twenties'. Can't we ALWAYS be young? Why is that the only age bracket where certain things are acceptable and when certain things need to cease?

I mean, I get it. I'm 30 and I totally think about the energy and smaller amount of wrinkles I had when I was 20. And sometimes I cry. No, I'm just kidding. But really, when I get through crying though, I completely relish in the fact I'm alive and I'm still the same old me just refined.  Yeah-refined, I said it. You can stop laughing now.

Aside from physicalities and some life changes, I really am pretty much the same person I was throughout my roarin' twenties. I've decided to include some examples of how I am totally able to still be young and vibrant. Check it:

1.  I still jam out to the same old hip hop music and head bob like I'm a friggin' boss. Course, my neck gets a little stiff rather quickly now, but whatevs.

2. I can  still dance wherever there's music while clearly yelling, " this is my jammmmm!" to pretty much every single song that comes on. In the living room.

3. I can slap on a pair of stripper heels and walk with the same confidence I could at 22. My recent back surgery makes that walk a ltttle slower but come on, ladies, I mean who would let that stop us, am I right?? Aaaaaand I just ankle rolled and landed on my a$$. Ouch.

4. I am totes mah goats down with all the supa fly lingo I was ten years ago AND am hip to all the new slang and mustaches! Dude, what is UP with the mustaches???

5. I can still fit into the same pair of jeans I wore in high school. Take that , haters! I mean being able to get them up to my knees totally counts. Winning!

6. My makeup tactics are perfected and still greatly enhance my features. It's true, I can use concealer, foundation and powder and totally still see my crow's feet. Talk about beauty enhancement. Sexy.

7.  I still get carded for alcohol. Mmm hmm, still look 21, I guess. Just because I have the ID out of my wallet, out on the counter and I make eye contact with the clerk then look down at my ID then back at them again doesn't prompt them to check it out of obligation.  Nope, still lookin' barely legal.....

8. Staying up late is still my forte. Yup, ready to party all night long. Oh you wanna meet up at 10? Yeah, that's cool I'll be there . I just gotta eat dinner, take a shower, feed the baby, put the baby to bed, pick out a hot outfit, have 4 cups of coffee, drink some Red Bull...yeah we're gonna have to reschedule.

Ok, ok so I'm not in my twenties anymore. Clearly. But who cares? Ok it does suck a little,  but really it's not that big of a deal. We just tend to obsess over youth because society says we're not able to do things past a certain age. Bull, I say.  Bull.
Life changes as we get older and it's inevitable. My main thing is, if we live young within reason then being 21, 26, or " staying 29" aren't things that we need to feel alive. We can still look good, have fun, and kick it like we always have just with a bit more flava now. There's no law that says we have to stop listening to hip hop or rock music, heading out on the town or that we have to stop dancing. We can  still sign up for a 5k race, zip line through the trees or whatever other adventure sounds good as we age. It's all about modifying our lives appropriately and considering our loved ones along the way. I don't know about you, but if I lived my life quite the same way I lived my life at 21, I certainly wouldn't have the life I live now. So live young, people, your twenties is certainly not the only place your allowed to do so.
Xoxo,
Lauren