Signs You're Old

Old.  What the hell is old?  To a teenager or person in their early twenties,  early thirties are old.  To people in their early thirties and up,  typically old means,  like 90's.

So when I talk about my discovery of signs that you're now old,  I'm merely referring to being older than whatever age or age bracket that last made you feel young.  Yeah...you're older than that.

Here's a few reasons how ya know:

1. You're tired:

I'm talking wiped the F out.  You worked all week and can't decide on going to a sick concert or going to bed on a Friday night?  Ummm...old. Old AND lame so kudos for the double whammy there.

2. Your eyelids:

When your applying eyeshadow and the skin on your eyelid moves around instead of being firm and taut?  Yep.  On your way to Oldsville.

3. Crows Feet:

I remember one time not long ago,  I was plucking my eyebrows.  There were a few stubborn bastids at the lower end of my brows that I just couldn't grab.  I'm like wtf,  why can't I pluck you?? Ohhhh that's right,  it wasn't hairs...it was wrinkles. I ended up with bloody pock marks and a state of depression.  Old.

4. Ya can't tell how old people are:

Wtf.  Kids that are in college look like they're eleven. Seriously.  I was just watching a segment on TV about rival college football teams and they had these cute little cheerleaders and players smiling away and throwing up the #1 finger sign.  Yeah.  Then you turn into the #1 creeper when you realize you shouldn't think the 20-year-old quarterback is cute. I just thought he was a young looking 30-year-old. Awkward.  Oh.....and old.

5. You get excited about old people shit:

Yesssssssss!!!  The vacuum I wanted is on friggin sale,  bingo's goin' down tonight and zip lock baggies are two for one?!  Holllllaaaaaaa!!  Like for real,  some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You may have set out for a pair of heels (in case you have a date night in the next ten years) but instead you come home with a coat rack and a welcome mat.  Congrats,  you won the old as shit lottery. 

6. You consider late early:

Remember when you didn't go out until 11:30 and you stayed up till 5 then worked the next day?  Yeahhhhhhh about that.  Now your ass needs to be in bed by 9:30 so you can soak the corns on your feet and exfoliate the old off your face.  I keep thinking I can recover from staying out late the night before but let's be real.  Nope.  Old.

7. Music :

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're never too old for the tunes you love.  Rap,  hip hop, R&B,  rock...whatever it is,  I believe you should always rock the shit out of it.  It just becomes weird when people half your age know the same tunage. This may actually be one of the only instances where you feel old but in actuality you hold the front runner torch.  Young ones?  Stand back,  watch,  and learn.  Mama knew about this shit waaaaaaaay before the gangnam style. Old?  Neverrrrrrrrr.

Look, we define what's old and what isn't at the end of the day but we can't deny the social acceptance of what "they"  say is old. It's always about" THEY".

Between social media and our kids or friend's kids,  time changes us. It's inevitable.
In my opinion, though, just go with it and embrace when we have the ability to say people are just " too young"  and when we are what we all ultimately deny in life: getting old.  Old ain't nothing but a state of mind,  anyway,  right?? 

Yup.  That's what I choose to believe. Who's with me?

People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

1. CANCER. 
2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
11. STUBBING YOUR TOE('S).
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)

The Logan Chronicles: Up-Sleeping

On today's episode of TLC,  I share my thoughts on my child's new ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  It's weird.

I think my kid is Narcoleptic.  I'm not 100% sure this is true,  but it has valuable supporting evidence. 

Last week I planned to go next door to visit my friend and had put my son to bed as normal.  I always check on him around,  oh, I'd say 765 times in a very short amount of time, but that night I didn't check him till right before I left the house.  When I crept up the stairs and into his room I could see the top of his head against the corner of the crib.  I found it to be very creepy at first and went further for a better look.

Yep,  there he was: sleeping sitting up against the crib.  Never in my most tired or drunken nights have I ever fallen asleep sitting up.  I suppose you could say I was impressed by this.

Since then,  he has fallen asleep sitting up a few times and it's very cute.  I also find it very odd and I'm like,  ummm is this OK?  I imagine it is,  but it's one of those first time Mom worries where you don't know what the hell is normal and what isn't. 

Either way,  I named these incidences,  " Up-Sleeping".  Don't get jealous of the originality,  now people,  I was born with this witty brain and I can't help it.

Anyway, today, the mother of all up-sleeps occurred.  I was doing my make up just in the next room where I can clearly see my son playing.  Seeing how we had to move all excess furniture ( i. e side tables and rocking chair)  to the other room due to him climbing it all,  there are little spaces of floor and wall on either end of the couch that he hangs out in. 

I heard him whine about something briefly and then it got real quiet.  That always scares me so I got up to  have a peep and found him up-sleeping ....against the wall.  He seriously looked like a drunk little old man that just couldn't make it home from the bar. 

So I think up-sleeping is better than no-sleeping,  right?  I am curious to see where he passes out next and what other new found  abilities we will see. 

 Maybe the ability to do the dishes and laundry?  Nah,  I ain't that lucky. 

5 Ways a Mom Can Stay Pretty

Let's face it.....

Whether you have one kid or twelve kids,  getting ready to go out is a pain in the ass.  I don't know about you,  but I swear my son waits for me to be concentrating on myself for five seconds to need me.

  I could be like, " give Mama a kiss or a hug"  and he leaves my ass mid pucker wanting nada to do with me. I start to put on my makeup,  and he climbs on me as if he wants to be inside of my skin. Like,  how close can you get,  kid? Jesus.

Anyway,  I have some strategies,  tips,  and suggestions on how to accomplish all your cleansing and beauty routines to start your day or night! 

Ahem.... 

1. SHOWERING :

Bring the kiddo in the shower, pull up a high chair, pack n play, or put them in their crib with toys; whatever works best for you and your comfort level. Keep the shower at around 1 minute and 30 seconds. Be sure to wash your hair with one hand and wash your body with the other for a maximum spa experience. If you're lucky enough to shave, make sure you do so erratically. Remember, you only have fifteen seconds left at this point since by now your child is surely screaming or breaking shit. Don't be worried about the blood dripping down your legs and missed patches of hair, you'll get that next month.

2. PICKING AN OUTFIT:

Girrrrrl, you know you wanna wear that light-colored designer blouse you just got. So fancy. But might I suggest sticking with neutral colors that closely resemble vomit, regurgitated food, and possible urine and poop? Sticky fingers will surely find their way to you and, just as luck would have it, it will most likely be when you're wearing white. Wear black.  Partially because you're  in mourning. 

3. MAKEUP:

If you forgot to wash off your makeup before bed and you have Q-tips,  we'll you're in luck! You're only moments away from a gorgeously, crafted face.  Simply wet or suck on the end of a Q-tip and carefully remove strayed eyeliner and mascara from the previous day!  Be sure to get allllll that black shit up on your forehead, down by your nostrils, and over by the end of your eyebrows and voila'!  Fresh new look! Now,  if you did go to bed without makeup, simply cover your dark hag bags with concealer ( you just grabbed diaper rash cream,  I said concealer)  and throw on a little mascara while watching your child out of the corner of your eye.  Keep an eye patch near by and recruit a seeing eye dog just in case. 

4. HAIR:

Now I don't know about you,  but nothing makes my already thin hair thin out even more then a one year old yanking on it and twirling it into a knot.  My suggestion would be either shaving your head completely, or keeping it in a ponytail at all times. If you choose to style your hair, say, with a straight iron be sure to have an ice pack on hand.  It is very likely you will burn your scalp or forehead due to a sudden head movement to yell at your little one to put the effing plunger down.  

5. JEWELERY:

If you want to keep strangling at bay,  and elongated earlobes looking unstretched, simply superglue necklace to skin and staple earrings to lobes.  It really is that easy,  folks. No more broken necklace chains resulting in eaten or lost charms, no more sagging ears that belong in a National Geographic picture, purely enjoyable jewelery that your little one cannot alter.  Ah, sounds glorious,  doesn't it? 

And there you have it; simple ways to getting ready to head out for the day or evening that take almost zero effort. Enjoy! 

My 61 Bitchin' Bucket List Ideas

If you live paycheck to paycheck like I do, well....checking off the items on your bucket list isn't exactly an easy task. It's actually more like a joke, really. 

 Your all like, " Shit yeah, I am SO going to Vegas and Hawaii!" 

Then you look at your bank account and your all like, " Yeah, well you know....scratch tickets, a six pack and looking at Google images of Maui are cool, too, though so....that's cool. " 

Yeah. Super cool. Thumbs up, dude.

Anyway, we all have things we want to do, places we want to see and even people we want to meet before we, uhhh, 'kick the bucket' and I've decided to share some of my bucket list items. Chances are, some of these Bad Larry's are on YOUR list, too. Check it out and we can be day dream believers together!!

Your totally singing "Daydream Believer" in your head now, aren't cha? Mmm, hmm.

1. Eat some Swiss chocolate while traveling the Swiss Alps.

2. Travel to all 50 states.

3. Hear "California Love" by Tupac come on while dancing in a club while in California- Nuff said.

4. Swim with dolphins..

5. Be in a movie.

6. Go parasailing.

7. Hug a manatee.

8. Volunteer to help out with the Special Olympics.

9. Show Tom Hanks my Forrest Gump impression.

10. Learn to break dance.

11. Jump out of a birthday cake. 

12. Be a cartoon character. Or the voice of one, anyway. Ha.

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Hang out and shoot the poop with Ellen Degeneres.

15. Save a life.

16. Float around a zero gravity chamber.

17. Not be too afraid to skydive.

18. Moonwalk on the moon ( clearly, entering space is easier than skydiving).

19. Go to Vegas and roll some dice. And win big.

20. Wear a lei in Hawaii.

21. Go to England and pretend I'm a bloody local and have a pint of lager.

22. Lie in a field of wicked cute puppies.

24. Swim in an edgeless pool.

25. Go to a Sandals or a Beaches resort.

26. Take the family to every single Disney and Universal theme park.

27. Learn to snowboard. 

28. See the Northern Lights.

29. Dive the Titanic wreckage site. 

30. Put my feet in every ocean on Earth

31. Poke around the alleged Area 51 for some aliens.

32. Take a ride on a bobsled.

33. Go on a safari.

34. Eat a Philly cheesesteak in Philly.

35. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and yell, "I'm the king of the worlddddddd!" 

36. Eat a piece of Big Red next to Big Ben. Yeah, I don't know why either.

37. Actually do something for a Klondike bar.

38. Drive a motorcycle. 

39. Sing and record some tunes in a recording studio.

40. Crowd surf.

41. Real life wave surf.

42. Ice fish inside an igloo.

43. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.

43. See a great white shark...from really far away.

44. Pet a tiger cub.

45. Put a diaper on a monkey and feed it a bottle.

46. Carve my initials in a red wood tree.

47. Eat an apple in an Apple Store.

48. See a tornado.....also from really far away.

49. Roll down the rolling hills of Scotland.

50. Hang glide.

51. Go on a cruise.

52. Ride on a Zamboni.

53. Lose 35 lbs. 

54. Spend Christmas in a snowed in cabin in the mountains.

55. Sip a rum runner on an exotic beach in Fiji.

56. Go on a helicopter ride.

57. See Mt. Everest. 

58. Walk the Great Wall of China.

59. Go white water rafting.

60. Go ghost hunting. Maybe. 

61. Host Saturday Night Live. 

Believe it or not, that's probably just half of the things I'd like to do, see, and enjoy in my lifetime. I don't want to have to have a terminal illness or near death experience to say to myself that I need to do these things. Being alive and having one life should be reason enough.

So I don't know about you, but I plan to work really hard to attain even the unattainable on my list and hope that I'm lucky enough to cross off a few things. 

Course, for most of them I need millions of dollars and a whole lot of time but hey, ya never know!

Cheers to dreaming big and emptying out our buckets!!!

The Logan Chronicles: Prison Break

 On this episode of TLC, a look into the newly discovered ability to high tail it outta dodge is examined. 

I decided yesterday that it was time to decorate for Christmas so I went down to the basement to grab the decorations.  My husband rigged the gating system we have for my son and attached it to the wall so he has a ton of room to run and play instead of being confined to the UFC looking octagon. 

So far it has worked fine.

Until now.

I started to put up some Santas and glittery trees and went into the kitchen to grab another couple of items for display.  I notice while I'm in there that I hear footsteps going up my stairs....

OK, Lauren,  your losin' it,  I think to myself.  No one was even home to be trotting up the stairs....except my son.

Omg, MY SON!!!!!  wtf!!!

I no sooner thought it and heard footsteps above my head pitter-pattering around real quick-like.  I flew through the dining room,  Olympic style hurdled over the first gate then ran through the living room and gold medaled that shit over the second one and up the stairs. 

There he was,  in my bedroom and about to close the door in my face looking like he was half amused with himself and half confused by my likely bugged out eyes and inability to breathe from my quick athletic affair.  He started to sputter some baby jibberish to defend his case; I was absolutely terrified. I'm pretty sure my heart rate has never been that high in my life.

Dude...how did he get out of the living room??! I was in the kitchen a minute at best and I didn't even hear a struggle out there at all!  He had to have pre-meditited his escape,  I mean,  that took some planning and it was seriously close to ninja status. 

I was totally freaked out and wanted to know how he did it so I went in the dining room to spy. After about a fifteen seconds or so, he ran over to the gate and was doing this:

                                  

Little crazy man actually bent the damn gate almost flat so he could do some kind of a SWAT move and jet over the side! Ugh, I thought about the fact that he could have fallen down the stairs or gotten into something upstairs had I not gotten to him quick enough. I was so thankful that I had the Olympic training to reach him in time. Whew. Ok, I'm trying to make light of the situation because sometimes that's all you can do, right?!! So scary.

Strangely, he didn't try to do this again, but I'm definitley not convinced that he won't. I can't believe how smart and bigger and taller he has gotten and pretty soon he is going to be able to just step right over the gate, get married, move away and be out of my life forever!!!!! Alright, alright I'm being dramatic but that's what it feels like! I know kids climb out of their cribs and car seats and all that crap I just didn't think my son was anywhere near that stage where he was actually thinking of trying it. It just goes to show how fast these little people grow! Wish he would slow down and stay little forev.

So today I thank my son, Logan Michael, for showing me how quick your little feet and brain work!

I'm thinking a prison high fence and armed guards might be in store next for my little dude, jeez...

Love ya, bud. Thanks for the heart attack. Xoxo.

Reasons Not to Hate My Husband

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I want to punch my husband in the head a lot. I'm pretty sure I have even told him I was going to do so on more than one occasion. It's a true story.

I do, however, have many reasons to NOT punch my husband in the head and I like to try and focus on those things instead. Ok...starting today I would like to try and focus on those things instead. Happy now, Zachary? I can see him laughing from here when he reads that. Hardy har har.

Anyway, being married or in a relationship, period, is hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and often times it just sucks. It's so easy to focus on what someone is doing to piss you off instead of what they are doing to keep you happy and that never results in anything good. I find it way easier to yell at my husband than to give him a hug and play nice sometimes and that's not cool. There are many, many reasons that I love the guy and those reasons keep me from doing bodily harm against him when he infuriates me. I'm reminded why I fell in love with him and he stays safe. It's a win, win!!!!

So today, I share reasons to love and not hate. Here goes: 


-He kisses me before I brush my teeth in the morning. Ok, it's gross but it's love.
-He says he's sorry and he says it WAY more than I do. Sorry:(
-He turns on the TV for me so I can sleep at night even though he mumbles about it under his breath.
-He holds my hand when I don't expect it.
-He drives me to work in bad weather because he knows I'm scared. Aaaaaand because he knows I'm more likely to crash the car.
-He lets me watch all my "lame" shows even though he bitches about it.

-He sings to me. Ok it's usually a song unrelated to love and unrelated to me and he sings it loud and crazy ,but he sings.

-He dealt with me being an absolute nutcase while pregnant. No, really...NUT....CASE.

-He watched me push out a human and talked me through every minute.

-He holds back my hair if I'm going to vom.

-He makes sure I don't wear an ugly outfit.

-He surprises me with beer. Oh, and flowers. :)

-He wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring and scaring the neighborhood children.

-He knows better than to ask me what I want for dinner more than twice.

-He always serves me my food first and usually a huge helping 'cuz I likes to eat!

-He always makes me laugh even when I want to throw numb chucks at his groin.

-He lets me hold the remote. Not always, mind you, but it happens.

-He accepts the other love in my life which is napping. I friggin love naps! Oh, and Channing Tatum. 

-He tolerates my inability to understand certain movie plots which leads me to say , " I don't get it."

-He gets up with my son when he knows I want to sleep till at least 8 o'clock.

-He painted my toenails when I was too pregnant to bend over. 

-He buys me tampons.

-He acts totally stupid with me, especially when a sweet jam comes on the radio.

-He reads my blog ( tee he hee).

-He cares about my dreams, even the outlandish ones like becoming a famous singer or actress;).

-He tells me I can when I say I can't. 

-He never gives up on me:):):)

-He always, always says "I love you" even when I know he wants to secretly kill me but he doesn't try because spouses are always the number one suspect. Awww, thanks, honey!

There's a ton of reasons not to hate my husband and those are just some of the fun ones:). The main reason, honestly, is because he puts me before himself without question and that isn't always easy to do. I'm a lot to handle when I get pissy and full of worry so I should probably be nicer sometimes.

 

So, ladies, when you want to hate your husband, try a little harder to remind yourself why you don't. :)

  

The Logan Chronicles : Sleep is for Sissies

Today on The Logan Chronicles,  we discuss Logan's two-day strike against a nap before daycare.  If you have children,  you know or remember how much of a bitch it can be to get your little bugger to take a nap.  My son will literally do everything in his power to avoid giving into the sleep fairies even though most of the fight he puts up is when he's half asleep.

                   Exhibit  A: The Headstand

This move typically occurs when he is absolutely exhausted,  damn near passes out on my chest or crook of my arm (usually on the couch) ,  but then suddenly decides he has sick skills and jumps up to showcase his downward dog while moving his butt up and down.  Think of a drunk person trying to convince themselves they have it in them to dance to one more song or can totally still do a cartwheel or another shot. No...no you can't. Shhhhh, just go to sleep.  

Exhibit B: The Spin and Smile 

I work evenings in a hospital so the ole,  "sleep when the baby sleeps"  is something I attempt to do with my son whenever I'm able.  Once we settle down for a co-nap in Mom and Dad's  bed,  usually we are quick to enter dream land; in the above picture, however, Logan presented one of his other sleep avoidances known as the spin and smile. This pic was taken right after he spun around five times like a puppy, smushed his face into the pillow, and faked like he was sleeping for about 30 seconds. Then, like a jack in a box, he sprung up and smiled. Usually,  his eyes are shut when he does this one because he's so close to caving in to nigh nights.  I find this to be his odd way of trying to convince me he is way too cute to slumber.  Dude,  you are pretty friggin' cute,  but really???! 

There were other fillers in between Logan's antics that were not so cute.  He pulled his own hair,  threw his bottle,  and cried and screamed in protest. I,  too,  then pulled my own hair and cried.  Just take a friggin' nap!  

But then these two thoughts ran through my head: 1. I'd be pissed,  too,  if someone tried to make me nap, and 2. My son was having way more fun doing his headstands and his spin and smiles.  He simply wasn't feelin' a nap and even though there's reprocussions later in the day when he doesn't ( like he can get very grouchy. Duh. ) ,  my kid wanted to play with me instead. Being up and silly was making him happy and I only get a couple hours to play before we head to daycare and work. Not to mention very few years that he's going to even want to choose his Mom over other more exciting things. 

Wow,  did I just really conclude that at least I'm more fun than sleep?  Ehhh..... I don't know what to make of that.  Haha. Anywaaaayyy....    

So today I thank my son,  Logan Michael, for showing me that sometimes we need to say  screw the nap and bring on the toys.  We aren't promised tomorrow so let's have some fun today and sleep later:)  XOXO. 

The Logan Chronicles: The Cardboard Box

On this introductory episode of The Logan Chronicles, picture an adorable one-year-old boy that runs the entire household and takes all your shit.  A boy that wears a smirk and can fake a cry at the drop of a hat and knows when he does something wrong but does it anyway. A boy who I love more than anything in this world and  keeps me on my toes...literally. This little boy is my son.

He is pretty damn funny.

We moved to a new place back in September and, sadly, I had two boxes left full of absolute crap and random ish that I decided to go through today. I got one cleaned out and left the other one to collect more dust for another day; that first one really wiped me out.

Anyway, I gave the empty box to my son thinking he would crawl in it a couple times and get bored like he usually does, but instead...he played in it for over 3 hours. Hip, hip hooray!!!!! Mom can eat some snacks and watch a movie! Right?  Nottttt really. It didn't matter though, he hadn't been feeling well so watching him figure out what to turn this box into was way more fun!

Soon the box became several fun items at once for Logan; a cardboard mountain to sit on with glee,  a pair of bongos to make music on,  a cave,  a sweet hat to wear that made his giggles echo,  and of course: just a simple object to stack another object on so he could tip the top object over.  Naturally. 

Logan made me remember how often I used my insanely fantastic imagination when I was younger and how I was so easily amused.   Then in turn,  I realized how I don't use that imagination nearly enough as an adult and it made me kinda sad,  man.  As kids,  we didn't take life so seriously. We lived each day as it came while turning anything and everything into something fun; in adult terms,  this means we were always positive.  I get down on my hands and knees and play with my son daily and come up with silly voices and games turning myself into a child once more,  but once I stand back up..... I'm an adult again.  When did that happen?  I fear I'll say the same about my son quicker than I'd like. 

So today,  I thank my son, Logan Michael,  for reminding your Mom that sometimes we need to pull out the cardboard box and get creative; we need to forget the negative and embrace the positive and make the best of this messy,  insane life.  XOXO. 

  

How to Not be Annoying on Facebook

Ah, Facebook: The place to share all your shit. And I do mean ALL.

Yes, our main means of communication are via the internet and social sites these days, but come on, people! Falsifying your life and sharing your most private, and quite frankly, inappropriate drama, pics, or stories are not going to give you the attention you think it will. Negative attention is not really something we should strive for. I know I don't.

Now, of course, Facebook might be one of the only ways you might see your grandma in California or your 5th grade bestie that teaches Art History in France, so I get why we post pics of the fam or announce our latest achievements. That's what I feel like Facebook is for and I'm giving a big
 "Like" for that kind of stuff.  I am just saying let's be real about our lives at least a little bit because all the fakeness really isn't cool.

Here are some things I feel if we saw less of, our scrolling experience would be much more enjoyable:

The Drama McDramason:

"Nobody understands me and I hate my life," or ," He's such a good-for- nothing-piece-of-crap and me and my kids are better off and I don't know how I will afford my prescriptions now," or , " Well, guess they're foreclosing on my house and taking my car."

Yikes, dudes...friggin' yikes.

Yup, you've seen it, don't lie. The people that share very private and embarrassing things but clearly don't realize how it is perceived by others. Just stop. STOP. Everyone has drama in their lives and everyone has a history, however, not everyone has enough whiskey in their liquor cabinet to deal with your crap on top of their own. Seriously, it's stressful.

The Stipulation:  You're speaking of a universally hated subject like child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. By all means, post about how all of the above piss you off and make you sick because we are right there with ya.


The Drama McDramason Hater that is also a Drama McDramason:

The post goes a lil' something like this: " I can't stand all the drama I see on Facebook". Then, low and behold, a few days later, they are posting the most detailed, ranting and raving post about the guy that left you when you had your first baby at 15 which now caused you to have no money and so now you have to strip for a living and no one ever helps you. EVER.
Wait, what? Didn't you just say you can't stand seeing drama? Don't be so hypocritical. Really, I mean if you're gonna say something you despise and then turn around and do the same thing, well, you're not much better now, are you?

The Stipulation: If you're calling someone out on their drama ( which really you shouldn't unless it involves you because it's none of ya biz) and that's the end of it, then whatever. But...then that could start an online arguing match which is about as productive as trying to lick your elbows. Omg, did you really just try and lick your elbow? SMH.


The Overuser of Abbreviations:

We all use them as I just illustrated above, but saying your ROTFLMAO is a sheer lie. You have not fallen off your chair and are now rolling around on the floor laughing your ass off, Shhhhh, don't try and argue with me, you aren't doing that.. Half the time we say we are LOL we are sitting in total silence perhaps thinking how funny something is but not actually projecting laughter out loud. Think about it. When did we stop actually typing words out?! Scratch that, when did we stop speaking words and formulating sentences?? Oh that's right, when social media took over the world. Now it looks like this: " OMG, BRB, LML. SMH. LOL." I am pretty sure I have even seen people make up their own abbreviations as if the rest of us are going to know what the hell you even mean. Just say it...spell the word out and say it. I know you can do it!

The Stipulation: You're in middle school or maaaaaybe even High School,  Or eating chips and only have one hand to type your post, I guess I can empathize with that one.
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The Play-By-Player:

Ya know, the people that post about every little thing they are doing at every blessed moment of the day? I went to pee. I made a bagel. I walked downstairs. I went to work. Work is good. I can't wait to get out of work. I am out of work, Just got home from work. Holy crap, seriously? I am giving an extremely slow clap for your very detailed, and fun-filled day...it was almost like I was right there with you. Chill it out, a little...make us wonder what you're doing for at least ten minutes. Trust me, we'll miss you.

The Stipulation: You're doing something insanely exciting and rare like bungee jumping off the Great Wall of China or climbing Mt.Everest. Then...then I want to know every emotion as you prepare to leap off a wall and fearfully face death and then I want to know every sight and step as you ascend to the summit of a notorious mountain. Only...then.


The Mean Foul Mouther: Dude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? Some swearing can give emphasis to a post or sometimes even make something funnier, but saying racist or homophobic things or acting like your some badass because you threaten people over the internet is lame and makes you look weak. If you have something to say to someone or if you have that much hatred then you should probably go to the source and check yourself into therapy. Sorry.

The Stipulation: There isn't one. Be nice.

The Mystery Poster:

This one irks me the most, let me just tell you. I have actually posted about this on my own Facebook page before. The person that posts very vague posts simply to lure you in so you ask specific questions thus triggering their desired response and attention. It goes like any of these:
" I just heard the news today. So sad." or, "Heartbroken."or, " I can't believe it."or, "Never been so happy in my whole life!!"or " Looks like things are gonna go my way." Really? REALLY?? What is so sad? Why are you heartbroken? What is making you so happy? What is finally going your way? I mean what!  WHAT is it, my God just say it before I gauge my own eyeballs out!!!!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I wouldn't do that but it truly is frustrating because it is painfully obvious what you seek out of a post like that. You want people to ask you what's going on when you can just say it to begin with and we can all be like, " Oh, congrats" or tell you we're sorry to hear it or something like that. Just be up front and SAY IT!! Grrrr.

The Stipulation:  Your phone, tablet, or computer dies and you weren't able to type the rest of the sentence thus explaining any of the above.


The Perfect Lifer:

Bought a new yacht today, did ya? Does it match your Maserati and fit in your boat slip out side of your island home? Wow, that is just fabulous. Or the friggin, #LML and Hearts because I bathe in puppies and poop rainbows made of happiness and glitter. Look if you work hard for the things you have then great, but please, for the love of God, do not sit here and pretend that your life is perfect just because of money or pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. I am NOT saying not to be proud of things and I am NOT saying that we shouldn't appreciate what we have, but naturally triggering others to compare themselves to a falsified situation is kind of shitty. Sharing a materialistic life online is far different then sharing a life online you just simply love. Talking about a family day at the beach is a beautiful thing, saying how you and your family just ate at the most expensive restaurant on the beach and are now staying in a five star resort is not. It's purposely mentioned to have others envy you and feel bad about themselves in one way or another which indicates you're not as happy deep down as you claim to be. If you were, well...you wouldn't have to do that.

The Stipulation: People that have overcome a struggle or work very hard for the things they have but don't feel like that's all that matters in life. No one cares about your $90 dollar steak, I could buy a ton of steaks at the grocery store for that. I'm not being a hater contrary to what some may think, I'm just calling out the facade in which some hide behind. We see it.


The Laundry Airer Outter:

This one is pretty similar to the Drama McDramason folk except instead of it making you roll your eyes, it makes you cringe and raise your eyebrows asking, " Did they really just post that?" I'm talking the people revealing their drug addictions and their spouses cheating and their children needing therapy and the fact that they want to kill themselves on a daily basis. Like, whoa. WHOA. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, sometimes it can make you angry at people and sometimes you just don't know what to say or think. Kinda leaves us all whistling as we slowly look around while backing away and out of the room like Peter Griffin would do on Family Guy, Shit just got realllll awkward.

The Stipulation:  Sometimes I feel like people post certain things as a cry for help and while we all mostly ignore these awkward confessions and feelings, a simple private message could potentially go a long way in a time of need.

The I-Love-Myselfer: This one is simple: they post 245,558 pictures of themselves in various selfie positions where we can clearly see their arm extended in the front and all the poses look the same. Their albums consist of one thing: themselves. Their posts consist of places like the gym, mall, and bedroom with one important person: themselves. We get it, you like you.

The Stipulation:  If you have lost a lot of weight or have finally come out of your shell and like the way you look when you never have before or something. I can get that. But jeez, just because you're pretty or handsome doesn't mean we need to see every possible face you can make or eye shadow color you have in your make-up bag. Take a pic of your ankle or something for once.

So this has been an official observation by me on how to not be so annoying on Facebook. Chances are, we know most of the people on our Facebook page ( or used to) in real life so to see people put on a show can be a little frustrating and even disheartening at times.

 The hard truth is that people can post whatever they want on their own page and if you don't like it, don't read it and blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah I get it. I'm sure I have even been guilty of some of the above at times, but this is just a friendly suggestion to the people that will now probably delete me from their Facebook. Haha.
 I'm just saying, let's all kick it old school and go out for coffee or drinks and use real life to air our dirty laundry, be dramatic, and brag about the things our other friends don't have and leave if off of Facebook.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to be dramatic in person :D

END RANT ;)

Dealing with Food Addiction-The Struggle is Real

My name is Lauren, and I'm a food-a-holic.
 Whew. Thank God I got that off my chest, it's been EATING away at me for some time now. Haha.

 
Yeah, anyway. All lame jokes aside, I really do have an issue with food. I'm not an overweight woman but I am not a 110 pound woman either. Kinda lost in that weird fifth dimension of whether I'm considered a skinny person or not. I like to call it The Thigh-Light Zone. Ba dum chhhh.

 But really, I have struggled with dieting and exercise for a very, very long time. It's my kangaroo pouch that I can't seem to get rid of, the rest of me I am ok with. The good news is that I usually keep trying one way or another, but the bad news is that I have yet to see the results I want. I know, I'm obviously not trying as hard as I could. It's hella hard for me to give up the salty foods and the fried foods and the dips and the chips even though I know they are doing nothing for my health or waistline. It's truly like I'm a drug addict that feels guilty about using once I am done eating bad food. I mean, do I need some sort of intervention?

 So as if the things I crave aren't bad enough, I over eat. Yup, overeating is the real demon in the situation. It doesn't matter if I am full or not, either, if there is something out on the table or in the breakroom at work that I enjoy, I eat it. It's almost as if I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't take one of those cookies or have seconds of the mashed potatoes. I suppose this is all a prime example of stress eating, or binge eating, or eating your real feelings or some shit like that, but, whatever it is....the struggle is real.

 So let's examine whether some of the reasons for food addiction would solve or not solve the issue at hand:


 1. Stress Eating: Now why the HELL would someone turn to food when they are stressed out?? Especially if they are stressed out about being overweight or being unhealthy? I suppose the euphoria of a twinkie high or a carb fest would be a quick fix depending on the reason for stress, but at the end of it all...there's quite a bit of irony in the situation! It's like, I eat too many bad things which gives me zero energy to go to the gym. I'm going to sit here and eat this candy bar instead of taking that bike ride. What? I don't get it. If your stressed, try reading a book, or sitting outside, or dancing to some sweet tunes and shaking it off. There's always flicking the person that is stressing you out right in between the eyes or having a stiff drink. I'm just sayin' it could help, I ain't sayin' it's right. Don't judge me.


 2. Binge Eating: Well, if binge eating is anything like binge drinking, and I suspect it is, I can see how this one can make a little sense. You eat well all week, you go for walks, you hit the gym and pump some iron....so screw it! Come Friday, it's the friggin' weekend and I'm gonna have me some cake, pie, and fries! Cheat day, ya'll!! Oh and a big ass, calorie-infested martini. Shit, I can binge eat AND binge drink at the same time!! Now THAT is talent, folks. I totally believe if your going to diet, you should have cheat days or it will result in an epic fail. Maybe try cheating at one out of the three meals instead of all of them? At least that way you get a little satisfaction without completely feeling like you've lost the battle to Captain Cholesterol and Sargent Sugar Pants.

 3. Eating Your Real Feelings: Now, I don't know about this one. I guess you can cover up how depressed you are by eating something comforting, but what about other feelings and emotions? I can tell you right now, if I'm angry? I'm not about to stuff a cheeseburger down my throat with a side of onion rings to deal with it. Can you imagine a pissed off person at a red light next to you screaming at someone on their cell phone while they pop skittles into their mouth or wolf down a foot long?
 " Screw you, A-Hole! I gotta whole bag of candy and some pork, I'm a mad woman!!!!" Bah! that'd be hilarious, though, I'm just sayin'.

 So look, food addiction is real and so is laziness. Yes, we are all busy with work, or school, the kids, or whatnot; but the motto I have been trying repeatedly to live by is if not now, when? Seriously, when are we ( yes, WE, myself included) going to get it together and choose the salad over the chicken fingers ( Mmmm, my fave) and the walk over the nap and the gym over the happy hour? Whoa...well I don't know about skipping the happy hour, but I mean if we don't dedicate ourselves to being healthy and getting to look the way we want to now, then when the hell will we? We won't. It's hard, and I'm here to tell you I'm with ya. I get it. All we can do is keep trying and know that we aren't alone in the food struggle and lazy coma, there are others out there. Tomorrow is a new day. For now...I shall sit and eat my Whoppers in peace as I picture myself by next summer in a tiny, little bikini and a wash board stomach..... It'll happen. Right??.......

Cray Cray Toddler Status

Holy shit.
The toddler phase has commenced.

I love my barely one -year -old son more than anything in this world but, dude, he has recently started to become a little bit of a crazy animal. I know, I know...all kids are crazy animals but I am a new mom and I didn't know they started tantrums and testing your patience quite this early.

We started out this windy ass Sunday by heading to Walmart to get some groceries and a couple other tid bits ( including diapers...9 dollar a bag diapers...Jesus). My son was behaving pretty well minus him deciding he was too cool to sit with his feet through the cart. He just had to sit sideways with one arm up like a grown man watching sports on the couch would do. He was safe and not trying to jump out so we let him do it, whatever. We strolled down several aisles both getting things we needed and checking out things we want to get at some point in the future ( like a really badass, giant TV) when the whining started. No big deal, I gave him a snack and he was happy like he usually is. Low and behold, he began to showcase his crooked smile indicating he was about to do something he shouldn't do, looked me directly in the eyes and threw his snack on the floor.  Immediately following the suicide of the snack, my little guy let out an ever popular, "uh-oh".  Exhibit A of the above noted "trying your patience" bit right there. He knew it was wrong and he knew I wouldn't like it but he wanted to see if he could get away with it. I told him no and not to throw his snacks and took them away for the remainder of the shopping trip. Cue crying.

Once we got home, my husband and I did some couch lounging while browsing on our electronic devices and getting down on the floor and playing with the baby. I decided to push him around on his little toy train as he giggled with glee while we did several laps around the living room. Once mommy was out of breath and decided to stop, his mouth opened wide, his eyes shut and the silent cry before the loud cry took over his face. I felt bad but jeez, buddy, mommy was sweating! We then proceeded to play peek a boo and tickle monster and other silly games all of which he had a zero tolerance for stopping them without crying in disappointment. He would have, indeed, stayed happy if I would have continuously entertained him!

The rest if the day was just a further affirmation that my little man is on his way to getting into absolutely everything regardless of whether he could get hurt or whether something could get ruined or broken. Turning my back for one moment or not being within his reach allowed him to grab and toss my iPad and cell phone, pull and bend the curtain rod ( luckily we could bend it back!), and let's not mention the 700 trips on and off the couch to try and sneak a sip or a grab of my seltzer water. The part I find the hardest is that even though you have to tell your kids no and you need to redirect them away from doing things they shouldn't, they are so friggin cute that it makes it hard to stay upset for long!

Oye.

It's that time of empty bottles being thrown, food being spit out, and Cheerios ending up in your hair, that is for certain. I knew these days were coming, but I think all you can really do is buckle up for the ride!!

15 Things a Mother Cant Deny!!

Becoming a parent is a blessing, it's a true story. So many things change and most of those changes are actually quite comical. You find yourself doing things in a totally different way and thinking in a totally different sequence. Now that I'm a Mom, naturally, some of the following have come into play, I'm sure some can relate:

1. I know every theme song to every kids show on every kids network. I sing them periodically throughout the day. At really inopportune times, might I add, like in the beer aisle in the grocery store.
2. I instantaneously lick my thumb and wipe my child's caked up face JUST like my mother used to do. Ugh, seriously.
3. Peek a boo has become such a part of my daily routine I often end up playing it with myself in the mirror while I do my make up.
4. Baby talk and really odd baby pet names have made their way into everyday conversation with adults such as my husband and co-workers.
5. I have more diapers in my purse then I do blush or lipstick.
6. Diaper wipes are my new go-to item for everything in my home. Sinks, in lieu of toilet paper, make up remover, counters....I love the crap out of those things!
7. I can now shampoo, wash up and shave in 2.5 seconds flat.
8. I clap and say YAYYYYYY not only when my son does something new or correctly but also when I do something new or correctly.
9. My idea of a Friday night on the town is out to Wal-Mart to get Desitin and a gallon of milk. I usually dress up for that.
10. I've learned to sleep in a hyper aware state and know when my son makes any sort of movement.  It's kinda ninja-esque.
11. I sometimes still wear my nursing bra even though I'm no longer breastfeeding. Comfort trumps sexy most days.
12.  Speaking of sexy,  my stretch marks are - - nope,  that's the end of that sentence.  Stretch marks. 
13. Sometimes laughing too hard has its consequences.  You either get that one or you don't. 
14. I am now pretty sure I could enter a one handed diaper changing contest if it ever became a thing. Is that thing? It should be a thing.

15. I perform the lift -and -smell my son's bum routine without a seconds thought regardless of where I am or who I'm around.

Oh man. These are only a few of the things I've noted since being a mom among the million. Like I said...I find most of these adjustments funny and I am excited to see all the other adaptations that pop up along the way!

Calm down, anxiety! Jeez.

What the hell is this CHEST pain? Like, seriously, I just woke up and haven't even went to the bathroom yet and my chest hurts.  My arm seems to be going numb, too, but I guess I am lying on it. Ugh, whatever, I have to get the baby changed and in his high hair for breakfast, I reallllly don't have time for cardiac arrest right now. Maybe later. 

Wow, the baby did surprisingly well eating the little dissolvable puffs we got for him, I'm surprised. I really don't like him eating those things, but he hasn't really---oh my god, your choking, he's CHOKING!!!! Come here, bud, Mommy's gonna save you! Just a few good slaps between the shoulder blades and you'll be just fine--aaaaaaaaand now your laughing, he's laughing. Phew. Ok I can exit out of the Emergency Dialer screen on my phone now, I guess.  

These are just small examples of the way my anxious brain functions a lot of the time. Having anxiety sucks and unless you have it, like most things, you won't really understand.  You worry and you worry ALOT and it can get pretty exhausting. I mean, your talking about a woman that can't help but check her child frequently at night to make sure he's breathing and a woman who thinks a simple cold is surely Malaria.  That takes work, man.  Work.  

As embarrassing (yet often comical) as it can be to discuss anxiety, I feel like it isn't taken as seriously as it should be which is why I decided to speak up about it here on my page.  People will tell you to calm down, take deep breaths....it'll be ok. Riiiiiight. Tell that to an anxious person, that's a smart plan.  Let me know how it works out for ya. No, we need distraction, facts, reassurance that what we THINK is going on isn't or at least not to the degree that we are taking it to.  Then maybe we can take those deep breaths.  Maybe.

Anxiety can tie in with other things that can make handling it even more of a challenge.  Hypochondria ( omg, this zit is totally skin cancer) and obsessive compulsions ( wait, I have to drive home and make sure the iron is OFF. So what if I didn't iron anything, don't question me!!) are two anxious provoking woes that I deal with often. Typically, once these crazy thoughts subside, looking at them rationally and realizing how silly and unnecessary that panic attack just was becomes easier somehow. You may even chuckle it it.

Here's the thing: at the end of the day, you just have to laugh at yourself. I mean everyone else is, right? I'm kidding. No, seriously, were they all just talking about me when I walked by? Nope , just being paranoid! Anyway, if you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone and I'm here to tell you that. It's a real disorder and it can feel like sooo many other things are happening during a panic attack ( revert back to possible cardiac arrest mentioned above) which makes it very scary. Although there's typically a reason one gets anxious, we don't always see it coming and it can definitely come at inopportune or even relaxed moments.  Real convenient, right?

If there's people around, my best advice is to dance around laughing manically during an anxiety/panic attack and announce that things should be back to normal in about fifteen minutes. Yeah, no, don't do that. Just chill, think of the people that make you the happiest in this crazy world and force a smile. Imagine them there to calm you down or to tell you something really funny or better yet, call them! If it's a "happy place" that you prefer, by all means go there, even if it's only figuratively speaking. Believe it or not, we CAN control our anxious moments with a little bit of practice and the ability to find a little bit of funny in a not so funny situation ;). 

8 Reasons I'm still in my 20's

I don't understand why soooooo much emphasis has to be put on being ' in our twenties'. Can't we ALWAYS be young? Why is that the only age bracket where certain things are acceptable and when certain things need to cease?

I mean, I get it. I'm 30 and I totally think about the energy and smaller amount of wrinkles I had when I was 20. And sometimes I cry. No, I'm just kidding. But really, when I get through crying though, I completely relish in the fact I'm alive and I'm still the same old me just refined.  Yeah-refined, I said it. You can stop laughing now.

Aside from physicalities and some life changes, I really am pretty much the same person I was throughout my roarin' twenties. I've decided to include some examples of how I am totally able to still be young and vibrant. Check it:

1.  I still jam out to the same old hip hop music and head bob like I'm a friggin' boss. Course, my neck gets a little stiff rather quickly now, but whatevs.

2. I can  still dance wherever there's music while clearly yelling, " this is my jammmmm!" to pretty much every single song that comes on. In the living room.

3. I can slap on a pair of stripper heels and walk with the same confidence I could at 22. My recent back surgery makes that walk a ltttle slower but come on, ladies, I mean who would let that stop us, am I right?? Aaaaaand I just ankle rolled and landed on my a$$. Ouch.

4. I am totes mah goats down with all the supa fly lingo I was ten years ago AND am hip to all the new slang and mustaches! Dude, what is UP with the mustaches???

5. I can still fit into the same pair of jeans I wore in high school. Take that , haters! I mean being able to get them up to my knees totally counts. Winning!

6. My makeup tactics are perfected and still greatly enhance my features. It's true, I can use concealer, foundation and powder and totally still see my crow's feet. Talk about beauty enhancement. Sexy.

7.  I still get carded for alcohol. Mmm hmm, still look 21, I guess. Just because I have the ID out of my wallet, out on the counter and I make eye contact with the clerk then look down at my ID then back at them again doesn't prompt them to check it out of obligation.  Nope, still lookin' barely legal.....

8. Staying up late is still my forte. Yup, ready to party all night long. Oh you wanna meet up at 10? Yeah, that's cool I'll be there . I just gotta eat dinner, take a shower, feed the baby, put the baby to bed, pick out a hot outfit, have 4 cups of coffee, drink some Red Bull...yeah we're gonna have to reschedule.

Ok, ok so I'm not in my twenties anymore. Clearly. But who cares? Ok it does suck a little,  but really it's not that big of a deal. We just tend to obsess over youth because society says we're not able to do things past a certain age. Bull, I say.  Bull.
Life changes as we get older and it's inevitable. My main thing is, if we live young within reason then being 21, 26, or " staying 29" aren't things that we need to feel alive. We can still look good, have fun, and kick it like we always have just with a bit more flava now. There's no law that says we have to stop listening to hip hop or rock music, heading out on the town or that we have to stop dancing. We can  still sign up for a 5k race, zip line through the trees or whatever other adventure sounds good as we age. It's all about modifying our lives appropriately and considering our loved ones along the way. I don't know about you, but if I lived my life quite the same way I lived my life at 21, I certainly wouldn't have the life I live now. So live young, people, your twenties is certainly not the only place your allowed to do so.
Xoxo,
Lauren

The Truth about Childbirth: Ouch

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDBIRTH: OUCH

07/13/2014

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And so I present you with the ever popular, yet not understood unless you experience it, phrase that you hear from new mothers: the day my child was born was the greatest day of my life. It's true, so very true. What is also true, however, is that I only remember portions of the greatest day of my life as it was also the most painful and terrifying experience I have endured to date! 
I went into see my OB GYN only to find out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low and I needed to get to the hospital right away. Now being 41 weeks pregnant at this point, I knew the day would come where I would actually give birth, but it got way too real way too quick. Wait, something of what size was going to come out of where? I'm going to do this, like, now at this very moment? Surely there is time, he can wait a little longer...say, a few more months? No, a few more months he would certainly reach at least 20 pounds and that would really hurt. Ok, now is the time, I suppose.
I was started on Pitocin right away once I reached my delivery room to get my contractions going. Contractions. Those were a real treat, too. I remember thinking so many times at work and at home that I was feeling one and I didn't believe all my friends and co-workers that said, " oh trust me, you'll know when your having them". Hmm, right you were, my friends, right you were. I was in no way feeling anything resembling a real contraction until I was started on the Pitocin drip. At first, I said to the nurse, " Oh, there's a contraction! That's not so bad!". She looked at me and smiled clearly thinking, " How cute". My nonchalant way of dealing with the "not so bad" contractions would soon be typical of the woman in the movies yelling, "give me the drugs, now!!". 
This all began at 10:00 in the morning so by the afternoon, I become quite uncomfortable. My nurses were fantastic and even assisted me in getting into the tub to try and relieve my pain. It was helpful, but not enough. My husband fueled himself on coffee and was there every step of the way holding my hand and reassuring me that everything would be alright. Seeing how my entire pregnancy I was completely off my rocker, I was very thankful that he was able to be so supportive even after the many times I threatened his life just for looking at me funny. Sorry, honey.
Anyway, 11:00 that night I received the epidural injection finally. I know some of you may be thinking how much of a wuss I am for taking the drugs, but I was not doing well at trying to champ it out and stay strong. The doctor ordered me to get some sleep once things started to become a bit numb, but as one could imagine, I really wasn't able to get much shut eye. I thought about whether the baby was okay in there, I thought about whether he would come out with all of his fingers and toes, I thought about whether I was ready to do this ( a little late for that thought, however).
By 5:30 the next morning, the pushing began. I am still unsure if the epidural just wore off or what, but I felt everything. I shook, I vomited, I hyperventilated to the point of needing an oxygen mask and as my husband stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, I began letting anxiety take me over. I told him I would miss him and to take care of the baby as I was surely going to die right then and there. He assured me I wouldn't but I was not convinced. With every contraction and every push, I felt like everything inside of me was trying to turn itself inside out. My son was sunny side up as they like to call it which meant the he was trying to come out face up instead of down. This causes a more difficult descent under the pubic bone during delivery but, thankfully, he was able to be turned the proper way. Whew! One less thing to worry about, right?


Three and a half hours later my son made his entry into the world. After all the Hollywood screaming I did, using a mirror down below for pushing motivation ( quite the sight), letting a student nurse into the room to watch the delivery, and going through several puke bags, I finally held his warm-skinned little body against my chest. Through the tears, I remember my first words to him being, " hello, my little baby". I swear he smiled then.
There was pain, there was fear, there was joy, there was astonishment. There was life. A little man that I sang to, poked at, worried about, and loved for nine months was finally here. It is true that this was the moment I decided that it was the greatest day of my life and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are all different, our experiences are unique to our own lives and my labor and delivery was definitely one for the books .Many people tried to sugar coat labor to me as they didn't want to frighten me. As much as I appreciate that, I think it is important to acknowledge all of the different things that come along with it and that it's okay to be afraid. Your giving birth to a human that changes your body and exits from an area that geometrically makes no sense. Hello! Totally acceptable to be terrified, my friends. So if any mommy's to be are reading this, just know that yes, it is painful and scary.The most important thing, however, is knowing that it is worth every second of hard work when you see your little angel for the first time and feel their breath on your skin. You got this.