People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

1. CANCER. 
2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
11. STUBBING YOUR TOE('S).
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)

The Logan Chronicles: Prison Break

 On this episode of TLC, a look into the newly discovered ability to high tail it outta dodge is examined. 

I decided yesterday that it was time to decorate for Christmas so I went down to the basement to grab the decorations.  My husband rigged the gating system we have for my son and attached it to the wall so he has a ton of room to run and play instead of being confined to the UFC looking octagon. 

So far it has worked fine.

Until now.

I started to put up some Santas and glittery trees and went into the kitchen to grab another couple of items for display.  I notice while I'm in there that I hear footsteps going up my stairs....

OK, Lauren,  your losin' it,  I think to myself.  No one was even home to be trotting up the stairs....except my son.

Omg, MY SON!!!!!  wtf!!!

I no sooner thought it and heard footsteps above my head pitter-pattering around real quick-like.  I flew through the dining room,  Olympic style hurdled over the first gate then ran through the living room and gold medaled that shit over the second one and up the stairs. 

There he was,  in my bedroom and about to close the door in my face looking like he was half amused with himself and half confused by my likely bugged out eyes and inability to breathe from my quick athletic affair.  He started to sputter some baby jibberish to defend his case; I was absolutely terrified. I'm pretty sure my heart rate has never been that high in my life.

Dude...how did he get out of the living room??! I was in the kitchen a minute at best and I didn't even hear a struggle out there at all!  He had to have pre-meditited his escape,  I mean,  that took some planning and it was seriously close to ninja status. 

I was totally freaked out and wanted to know how he did it so I went in the dining room to spy. After about a fifteen seconds or so, he ran over to the gate and was doing this:

                                  

Little crazy man actually bent the damn gate almost flat so he could do some kind of a SWAT move and jet over the side! Ugh, I thought about the fact that he could have fallen down the stairs or gotten into something upstairs had I not gotten to him quick enough. I was so thankful that I had the Olympic training to reach him in time. Whew. Ok, I'm trying to make light of the situation because sometimes that's all you can do, right?!! So scary.

Strangely, he didn't try to do this again, but I'm definitley not convinced that he won't. I can't believe how smart and bigger and taller he has gotten and pretty soon he is going to be able to just step right over the gate, get married, move away and be out of my life forever!!!!! Alright, alright I'm being dramatic but that's what it feels like! I know kids climb out of their cribs and car seats and all that crap I just didn't think my son was anywhere near that stage where he was actually thinking of trying it. It just goes to show how fast these little people grow! Wish he would slow down and stay little forev.

So today I thank my son, Logan Michael, for showing me how quick your little feet and brain work!

I'm thinking a prison high fence and armed guards might be in store next for my little dude, jeez...

Love ya, bud. Thanks for the heart attack. Xoxo.

Calm down, anxiety! Jeez.

What the hell is this CHEST pain? Like, seriously, I just woke up and haven't even went to the bathroom yet and my chest hurts.  My arm seems to be going numb, too, but I guess I am lying on it. Ugh, whatever, I have to get the baby changed and in his high hair for breakfast, I reallllly don't have time for cardiac arrest right now. Maybe later. 

Wow, the baby did surprisingly well eating the little dissolvable puffs we got for him, I'm surprised. I really don't like him eating those things, but he hasn't really---oh my god, your choking, he's CHOKING!!!! Come here, bud, Mommy's gonna save you! Just a few good slaps between the shoulder blades and you'll be just fine--aaaaaaaaand now your laughing, he's laughing. Phew. Ok I can exit out of the Emergency Dialer screen on my phone now, I guess.  

These are just small examples of the way my anxious brain functions a lot of the time. Having anxiety sucks and unless you have it, like most things, you won't really understand.  You worry and you worry ALOT and it can get pretty exhausting. I mean, your talking about a woman that can't help but check her child frequently at night to make sure he's breathing and a woman who thinks a simple cold is surely Malaria.  That takes work, man.  Work.  

As embarrassing (yet often comical) as it can be to discuss anxiety, I feel like it isn't taken as seriously as it should be which is why I decided to speak up about it here on my page.  People will tell you to calm down, take deep breaths....it'll be ok. Riiiiiight. Tell that to an anxious person, that's a smart plan.  Let me know how it works out for ya. No, we need distraction, facts, reassurance that what we THINK is going on isn't or at least not to the degree that we are taking it to.  Then maybe we can take those deep breaths.  Maybe.

Anxiety can tie in with other things that can make handling it even more of a challenge.  Hypochondria ( omg, this zit is totally skin cancer) and obsessive compulsions ( wait, I have to drive home and make sure the iron is OFF. So what if I didn't iron anything, don't question me!!) are two anxious provoking woes that I deal with often. Typically, once these crazy thoughts subside, looking at them rationally and realizing how silly and unnecessary that panic attack just was becomes easier somehow. You may even chuckle it it.

Here's the thing: at the end of the day, you just have to laugh at yourself. I mean everyone else is, right? I'm kidding. No, seriously, were they all just talking about me when I walked by? Nope , just being paranoid! Anyway, if you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone and I'm here to tell you that. It's a real disorder and it can feel like sooo many other things are happening during a panic attack ( revert back to possible cardiac arrest mentioned above) which makes it very scary. Although there's typically a reason one gets anxious, we don't always see it coming and it can definitely come at inopportune or even relaxed moments.  Real convenient, right?

If there's people around, my best advice is to dance around laughing manically during an anxiety/panic attack and announce that things should be back to normal in about fifteen minutes. Yeah, no, don't do that. Just chill, think of the people that make you the happiest in this crazy world and force a smile. Imagine them there to calm you down or to tell you something really funny or better yet, call them! If it's a "happy place" that you prefer, by all means go there, even if it's only figuratively speaking. Believe it or not, we CAN control our anxious moments with a little bit of practice and the ability to find a little bit of funny in a not so funny situation ;). 

Squeaky Red Nose Phobia

I hate clowns, ok? I feel like such an epic fail as a mother even saying that because I just KNOW my son is going to grow up and be like, " Hey, Mom...I totes want a clown party", and I'm gonna be all like, " umm, yeah no." Then tears will flow, my son will resent me and grow up to be none other than-you guessed it- a circus clown. Sigh.

So it all started when I was, oh, maybe nine. I used to love watching this show on Nickelodeon where they told spooky ghost stories around a campfire and...wait, what the hell happened to that show? It was actually a really good show. Hmmm, I should Google that. Anyway,there was one episode about a clown that was trapped inside this funhouse with a bunch of kids. He was not a nice clown. I thankfully don't remember every detail of the episode, I just know that that was the beginning of my desires to be a clown slayer. Figuratively speaking.

I grew older, I'd say around thirteen, when my second horrifying clown encounter debuted in my young life. I was at a slumber party and us happy, peppy, bubble-gum-chewing gals were debating over which scary movies we should rent. Some mentioned the Halloween flicks, Chucky, Freddy...the usual classic choices. Then I heard someone say, "well how about 'It' by Stephen King?" I knew who the infamous author was back then but I had not heard of this particular movie adaptation nor the book.

I'm not certain if it was the voice, the teeth, the eyes or...yeah....I'll go with all of those things that literally made me cry with fear after seeing that movie. I had already decided to break up my relationship with clowns from watching the campfire show as a kid and now....now I was swearing a life long allegiance to boycott their existence altogether. Well played, by the way Mr. King, well played. You scared many children.

So here I sit. 30 years old and still afraid of clowns. Quite pathetic, I'm aware of that, but I just can't love them like I did when I was real little. I've tried to come to terms with, oh, maybe a hobo clown? They're usually funny with that squirting flower routine. Yeah, no. Not even them. I've tried  attending public places where clowns and humans gather like Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights in Florida and a local amusement park here in New England. Nah, still couldn't invite one out for a beer. Ha.

I'm confident I'll get over it. I know I'm not the only one out there afraid of these wise guys, but I still need some time to mull it over. Fact of the matter is, if a clown lost consciousness...ok I'd help it out ( no pun intended with the It) with some CPR or at least call quietly for help. If my son wanted a clown party, by all means Mommy would totally plan one and would never give the clown the wrong address to the party. No sir! Kidding, kidding.

Like I said, I'll get over it. In the interim, they should totally come up with a Game of Clowns series so I can audition for that Clown Slayer role..... ;)

The Truth about Childbirth: Ouch

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDBIRTH: OUCH

07/13/2014

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And so I present you with the ever popular, yet not understood unless you experience it, phrase that you hear from new mothers: the day my child was born was the greatest day of my life. It's true, so very true. What is also true, however, is that I only remember portions of the greatest day of my life as it was also the most painful and terrifying experience I have endured to date! 
I went into see my OB GYN only to find out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low and I needed to get to the hospital right away. Now being 41 weeks pregnant at this point, I knew the day would come where I would actually give birth, but it got way too real way too quick. Wait, something of what size was going to come out of where? I'm going to do this, like, now at this very moment? Surely there is time, he can wait a little longer...say, a few more months? No, a few more months he would certainly reach at least 20 pounds and that would really hurt. Ok, now is the time, I suppose.
I was started on Pitocin right away once I reached my delivery room to get my contractions going. Contractions. Those were a real treat, too. I remember thinking so many times at work and at home that I was feeling one and I didn't believe all my friends and co-workers that said, " oh trust me, you'll know when your having them". Hmm, right you were, my friends, right you were. I was in no way feeling anything resembling a real contraction until I was started on the Pitocin drip. At first, I said to the nurse, " Oh, there's a contraction! That's not so bad!". She looked at me and smiled clearly thinking, " How cute". My nonchalant way of dealing with the "not so bad" contractions would soon be typical of the woman in the movies yelling, "give me the drugs, now!!". 
This all began at 10:00 in the morning so by the afternoon, I become quite uncomfortable. My nurses were fantastic and even assisted me in getting into the tub to try and relieve my pain. It was helpful, but not enough. My husband fueled himself on coffee and was there every step of the way holding my hand and reassuring me that everything would be alright. Seeing how my entire pregnancy I was completely off my rocker, I was very thankful that he was able to be so supportive even after the many times I threatened his life just for looking at me funny. Sorry, honey.
Anyway, 11:00 that night I received the epidural injection finally. I know some of you may be thinking how much of a wuss I am for taking the drugs, but I was not doing well at trying to champ it out and stay strong. The doctor ordered me to get some sleep once things started to become a bit numb, but as one could imagine, I really wasn't able to get much shut eye. I thought about whether the baby was okay in there, I thought about whether he would come out with all of his fingers and toes, I thought about whether I was ready to do this ( a little late for that thought, however).
By 5:30 the next morning, the pushing began. I am still unsure if the epidural just wore off or what, but I felt everything. I shook, I vomited, I hyperventilated to the point of needing an oxygen mask and as my husband stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, I began letting anxiety take me over. I told him I would miss him and to take care of the baby as I was surely going to die right then and there. He assured me I wouldn't but I was not convinced. With every contraction and every push, I felt like everything inside of me was trying to turn itself inside out. My son was sunny side up as they like to call it which meant the he was trying to come out face up instead of down. This causes a more difficult descent under the pubic bone during delivery but, thankfully, he was able to be turned the proper way. Whew! One less thing to worry about, right?


Three and a half hours later my son made his entry into the world. After all the Hollywood screaming I did, using a mirror down below for pushing motivation ( quite the sight), letting a student nurse into the room to watch the delivery, and going through several puke bags, I finally held his warm-skinned little body against my chest. Through the tears, I remember my first words to him being, " hello, my little baby". I swear he smiled then.
There was pain, there was fear, there was joy, there was astonishment. There was life. A little man that I sang to, poked at, worried about, and loved for nine months was finally here. It is true that this was the moment I decided that it was the greatest day of my life and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are all different, our experiences are unique to our own lives and my labor and delivery was definitely one for the books .Many people tried to sugar coat labor to me as they didn't want to frighten me. As much as I appreciate that, I think it is important to acknowledge all of the different things that come along with it and that it's okay to be afraid. Your giving birth to a human that changes your body and exits from an area that geometrically makes no sense. Hello! Totally acceptable to be terrified, my friends. So if any mommy's to be are reading this, just know that yes, it is painful and scary.The most important thing, however, is knowing that it is worth every second of hard work when you see your little angel for the first time and feel their breath on your skin. You got this.