Signs You're Old

Old.  What the hell is old?  To a teenager or person in their early twenties,  early thirties are old.  To people in their early thirties and up,  typically old means,  like 90's.

So when I talk about my discovery of signs that you're now old,  I'm merely referring to being older than whatever age or age bracket that last made you feel young.  Yeah...you're older than that.

Here's a few reasons how ya know:

1. You're tired:

I'm talking wiped the F out.  You worked all week and can't decide on going to a sick concert or going to bed on a Friday night?  Ummm...old. Old AND lame so kudos for the double whammy there.

2. Your eyelids:

When your applying eyeshadow and the skin on your eyelid moves around instead of being firm and taut?  Yep.  On your way to Oldsville.

3. Crows Feet:

I remember one time not long ago,  I was plucking my eyebrows.  There were a few stubborn bastids at the lower end of my brows that I just couldn't grab.  I'm like wtf,  why can't I pluck you?? Ohhhh that's right,  it wasn't hairs...it was wrinkles. I ended up with bloody pock marks and a state of depression.  Old.

4. Ya can't tell how old people are:

Wtf.  Kids that are in college look like they're eleven. Seriously.  I was just watching a segment on TV about rival college football teams and they had these cute little cheerleaders and players smiling away and throwing up the #1 finger sign.  Yeah.  Then you turn into the #1 creeper when you realize you shouldn't think the 20-year-old quarterback is cute. I just thought he was a young looking 30-year-old. Awkward.  Oh.....and old.

5. You get excited about old people shit:

Yesssssssss!!!  The vacuum I wanted is on friggin sale,  bingo's goin' down tonight and zip lock baggies are two for one?!  Holllllaaaaaaa!!  Like for real,  some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You may have set out for a pair of heels (in case you have a date night in the next ten years) but instead you come home with a coat rack and a welcome mat.  Congrats,  you won the old as shit lottery. 

6. You consider late early:

Remember when you didn't go out until 11:30 and you stayed up till 5 then worked the next day?  Yeahhhhhhh about that.  Now your ass needs to be in bed by 9:30 so you can soak the corns on your feet and exfoliate the old off your face.  I keep thinking I can recover from staying out late the night before but let's be real.  Nope.  Old.

7. Music :

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're never too old for the tunes you love.  Rap,  hip hop, R&B,  rock...whatever it is,  I believe you should always rock the shit out of it.  It just becomes weird when people half your age know the same tunage. This may actually be one of the only instances where you feel old but in actuality you hold the front runner torch.  Young ones?  Stand back,  watch,  and learn.  Mama knew about this shit waaaaaaaay before the gangnam style. Old?  Neverrrrrrrrr.

Look, we define what's old and what isn't at the end of the day but we can't deny the social acceptance of what "they"  say is old. It's always about" THEY".

Between social media and our kids or friend's kids,  time changes us. It's inevitable.
In my opinion, though, just go with it and embrace when we have the ability to say people are just " too young"  and when we are what we all ultimately deny in life: getting old.  Old ain't nothing but a state of mind,  anyway,  right?? 

Yup.  That's what I choose to believe. Who's with me?

New Year's Hope-A-Lutions

Jeez,  I've been slacking on the blogging! 

The holidays have been busy as well as me trying to finalize my applications for nursing school.  Crazzzzzy.

Anywayyyyy.... I have decided to call all the plans I have for the New Year "hope-a-lutions" because they are things I hope to do.  I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I always follow through on every plan I have each year because that would be straight bullshit.  I will say, however,  that I always keep trying and always will. 

Without further a do ( is that how you spell that?),  here are my 2015 vows..... 

1. Be Happy: I have to stop worrying so much, it's an exhausting way to live. Gotta tell aggravation and pissy moments to piss off and just smile more. 
Shit,  that reminds me I should probably make a dentist appointment, also. 

2. Lose weight: ehhh, 45 lbs or so? Once again,  I want to be bathing suit ready for summer. Oh and have implants and a tan by then,  too.  No big deal.

3. Eat right: I am NOT going to never have chicken fingers again,  I'm just saying better choices are in order because ya can't always pick the burger over the salad. Well,  you can't always pick the salad over the burger either,  but you get it. 

4. Exercise: I really, really want to be active and enjoy it but typically,  I do not.  I hope to find something I can do that will get me and keep me in shape.  I don't like feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack on the elliptical.  Real downer.

5. Drink less: I love beer and beer loves me.  It likes to sit in my belly and splash around like a joyous little child playing in the bathtub.  It loves me so much,  in fact that it invites its' friends to come hang out... six of them...for a partaaay. Well,  I'm here to tell ya it doesn't take that many beers to bloat you up and stick to your insides. Gotta have less beer parties.

6. Get it done: I like naps and I would choose chillin' over cleanin' any damn day.  It is no question that I need to just get whatever I need done completed instead of saying I'll do it later. 

7. Accept who your friends are: It's sad,  but true,  that over time people you claim to be friends with just aren't anymore.  I'm not talking about the friends you can't seem to coordinate time with simply due to life,  family,  work etc.  That's just the way it goes sometimes.  I'm talking about people that don't bend for you the way you bend for them or people that only want you around when their bored or find you boring if your not bar hopping till 4 am.  Some friends will always be there,  other times you need to find new ones. 

8. Fight Less: My Husband can be a giant D as much as I can be a giant B but we bicker over some dumb shit.  It's annoying and I would love to save my breath for something worth fighting about.  Like what's for friggin' dinner,  for example. 

9. Live in the NOW: I have a bad habit of thinking,  " what if" way too often and fearing an outcome or situation that hasn't even happened.  One moment at a time is the attitude I'm going to try and adopt because,  really,  all we have is right now.

10. Get into nursing school: Yes,  it must happen before I'm 97 years old.

11.  Follow through : I hope to follow through on these hope-a-lutions and set a good example for myself for next year. 

We all know we shouldn't need a new year just to be who we want to be or do what we want to do,  but I do plan to make 2015 a great year all year long.  I hope all my friends and family do the same but if not,  I'll have the beer and shitty food ready!!

CHEERS!

Parenting Rules I find to be Crap

Do you ever wonder if your doing things right as a parent? Like, should your child be at a different milestone or should they be doing, or NOT doing, this or that by now? I think that often, but I do my very best to tell myself to cut the shit because my son is my son and nobody else's. He is an individual and I don't know about you, but I despise people that try and tell you how to parent and buy into all these timelines of when kids should stop this and start that.

Here are what I find to be somewhat myths to parenting and why you, if you worry like me, should say screw the "scientific research studies":


Breastfeeding:
I breastfed for 7 and a half months and I don't regret a single moment of it. I wholeheartedly believe in its benefits and support anyone who does it and I would certainly do it again. I don't think, however, that someone should be put down if they decide against it or can't do it for long. Maybe there is a medical reason or maybe they just can't produce enough. It happens! If you can breastfeed, I say do it as long as you can, but if you can't, don't totally beat yourself up over it. As long as your baby is thriving and healthy I mean ,come on, what else matters??
I also hate the breastfeeding myth that if you nurse too often, or nurse your baby to sleep, they will forever need you to fall asleep. No. Yes it was hard. and will be for most, to wean off of the breast but it can and will be done. It's a comfort and a special bond between a mom and her baby so shut up, critics, and simmer the hell down!


Ferber Method-Crying it Out:
Oh your baby will never learn to self soothe unless you let them cry for four F'ing hours to the point that snot is running down their face, they are banging their head against the crib, and terrified. Yeah, no. I'm sorry but the cry it out method is not for me. If my son is being a little jerk and throwing a tantrum over nothing, then that's one thing but when it comes to sleep I don't believe that it's all that beneficial.
Look, as a parent, you know that you are not neglecting your child when you lie them down at night but they don't know that. I am not saying not to let them cry for a while because chances are they will fall asleep, but if I have to go in and pick up my son to tell him it's ok, then I will. Sometimes rubbing their back, bringing them out to the couch while you finish a movie or to lying in bed with you is all the comfort they need to sleep soundly and other times they will do just fine in their crib. It just depends on the day for my son and if he needs me a little more one day then another, I don't find it all that big of a deal.

That leads me to....

Co-Sleeping:
I personally have been hyper aware of my sons' presence since day one. I wasn't too keen on bringing him into bed with us because I was nervous we would roll over on him, of course, but I found it to be quite the opposite. I knew every breath, every movement and every mid-sleep smile my son made and still do. Now just like crying it out, some experts say that co-sleeping won't allow your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. Yeah, they're probably right. Your kid will definitely still be sleeping with you when they are 17. Come on, people!! Yes, you should teach your child to sleep in their own crib/bed but if they don't, so what?!  You can always put them to bed alone after they fall asleep. Sure, Mom and Dad don't cuddle as much but hey.......

Naps:
Kids don't always nap and they change the times of those naps and stop trying so hard!!!! Napping is uber important but sometimes it just ain't gonna happen at noon everyday or when you want it to. Relax, leave at least one eyeball in the socket when you feel like gauging them out and try again in a
little bit.

Food:
My son is a very picky eater which is weird because my husband and I are not! No wait, it's not weird because, I'll say it again, my son is an individual. He wants certain things right now and unfortunately it isn't always the healthy stuff we want him to have. At this point, we give him what he will eat and make it as nutritious as we can. If he won't eat his chicken, we know he will have calcium rich yogurt, if he won't eat his Mac and cheese we know he will eat some protein packed peanut butter and jelly. Ok the jelly isn't perfect and not all kids are ready or able to have peanut butter ,but you catch my drift.


So all I am trying to say here is that every kid is different and they will learn at their own pace. I realized that I wasn't truly worried deep down about any of the above, I was worried because I thought it was I was supposed to do. I read countless articles about parenting and compared my son to their rules and guidelines and wondered if it was ok that we were doing certain things. Well I say
screw it. Whatever makes the parent and the child happy and comfortable in unison is probably the right thing to do.

I say, stop worrying because that's what others want you to do and waste your time worrying when you really need to. Easier said then done, but I plan to give it a whirl!

Reasons Not to Hate My Husband

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I want to punch my husband in the head a lot. I'm pretty sure I have even told him I was going to do so on more than one occasion. It's a true story.

I do, however, have many reasons to NOT punch my husband in the head and I like to try and focus on those things instead. Ok...starting today I would like to try and focus on those things instead. Happy now, Zachary? I can see him laughing from here when he reads that. Hardy har har.

Anyway, being married or in a relationship, period, is hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and often times it just sucks. It's so easy to focus on what someone is doing to piss you off instead of what they are doing to keep you happy and that never results in anything good. I find it way easier to yell at my husband than to give him a hug and play nice sometimes and that's not cool. There are many, many reasons that I love the guy and those reasons keep me from doing bodily harm against him when he infuriates me. I'm reminded why I fell in love with him and he stays safe. It's a win, win!!!!

So today, I share reasons to love and not hate. Here goes: 


-He kisses me before I brush my teeth in the morning. Ok, it's gross but it's love.
-He says he's sorry and he says it WAY more than I do. Sorry:(
-He turns on the TV for me so I can sleep at night even though he mumbles about it under his breath.
-He holds my hand when I don't expect it.
-He drives me to work in bad weather because he knows I'm scared. Aaaaaand because he knows I'm more likely to crash the car.
-He lets me watch all my "lame" shows even though he bitches about it.

-He sings to me. Ok it's usually a song unrelated to love and unrelated to me and he sings it loud and crazy ,but he sings.

-He dealt with me being an absolute nutcase while pregnant. No, really...NUT....CASE.

-He watched me push out a human and talked me through every minute.

-He holds back my hair if I'm going to vom.

-He makes sure I don't wear an ugly outfit.

-He surprises me with beer. Oh, and flowers. :)

-He wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring and scaring the neighborhood children.

-He knows better than to ask me what I want for dinner more than twice.

-He always serves me my food first and usually a huge helping 'cuz I likes to eat!

-He always makes me laugh even when I want to throw numb chucks at his groin.

-He lets me hold the remote. Not always, mind you, but it happens.

-He accepts the other love in my life which is napping. I friggin love naps! Oh, and Channing Tatum. 

-He tolerates my inability to understand certain movie plots which leads me to say , " I don't get it."

-He gets up with my son when he knows I want to sleep till at least 8 o'clock.

-He painted my toenails when I was too pregnant to bend over. 

-He buys me tampons.

-He acts totally stupid with me, especially when a sweet jam comes on the radio.

-He reads my blog ( tee he hee).

-He cares about my dreams, even the outlandish ones like becoming a famous singer or actress;).

-He tells me I can when I say I can't. 

-He never gives up on me:):):)

-He always, always says "I love you" even when I know he wants to secretly kill me but he doesn't try because spouses are always the number one suspect. Awww, thanks, honey!

There's a ton of reasons not to hate my husband and those are just some of the fun ones:). The main reason, honestly, is because he puts me before himself without question and that isn't always easy to do. I'm a lot to handle when I get pissy and full of worry so I should probably be nicer sometimes.

 

So, ladies, when you want to hate your husband, try a little harder to remind yourself why you don't. :)

  

15 Things a Mother Cant Deny!!

Becoming a parent is a blessing, it's a true story. So many things change and most of those changes are actually quite comical. You find yourself doing things in a totally different way and thinking in a totally different sequence. Now that I'm a Mom, naturally, some of the following have come into play, I'm sure some can relate:

1. I know every theme song to every kids show on every kids network. I sing them periodically throughout the day. At really inopportune times, might I add, like in the beer aisle in the grocery store.
2. I instantaneously lick my thumb and wipe my child's caked up face JUST like my mother used to do. Ugh, seriously.
3. Peek a boo has become such a part of my daily routine I often end up playing it with myself in the mirror while I do my make up.
4. Baby talk and really odd baby pet names have made their way into everyday conversation with adults such as my husband and co-workers.
5. I have more diapers in my purse then I do blush or lipstick.
6. Diaper wipes are my new go-to item for everything in my home. Sinks, in lieu of toilet paper, make up remover, counters....I love the crap out of those things!
7. I can now shampoo, wash up and shave in 2.5 seconds flat.
8. I clap and say YAYYYYYY not only when my son does something new or correctly but also when I do something new or correctly.
9. My idea of a Friday night on the town is out to Wal-Mart to get Desitin and a gallon of milk. I usually dress up for that.
10. I've learned to sleep in a hyper aware state and know when my son makes any sort of movement.  It's kinda ninja-esque.
11. I sometimes still wear my nursing bra even though I'm no longer breastfeeding. Comfort trumps sexy most days.
12.  Speaking of sexy,  my stretch marks are - - nope,  that's the end of that sentence.  Stretch marks. 
13. Sometimes laughing too hard has its consequences.  You either get that one or you don't. 
14. I am now pretty sure I could enter a one handed diaper changing contest if it ever became a thing. Is that thing? It should be a thing.

15. I perform the lift -and -smell my son's bum routine without a seconds thought regardless of where I am or who I'm around.

Oh man. These are only a few of the things I've noted since being a mom among the million. Like I said...I find most of these adjustments funny and I am excited to see all the other adaptations that pop up along the way!

The Truth about Childbirth: Ouch

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDBIRTH: OUCH

07/13/2014

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And so I present you with the ever popular, yet not understood unless you experience it, phrase that you hear from new mothers: the day my child was born was the greatest day of my life. It's true, so very true. What is also true, however, is that I only remember portions of the greatest day of my life as it was also the most painful and terrifying experience I have endured to date! 
I went into see my OB GYN only to find out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low and I needed to get to the hospital right away. Now being 41 weeks pregnant at this point, I knew the day would come where I would actually give birth, but it got way too real way too quick. Wait, something of what size was going to come out of where? I'm going to do this, like, now at this very moment? Surely there is time, he can wait a little longer...say, a few more months? No, a few more months he would certainly reach at least 20 pounds and that would really hurt. Ok, now is the time, I suppose.
I was started on Pitocin right away once I reached my delivery room to get my contractions going. Contractions. Those were a real treat, too. I remember thinking so many times at work and at home that I was feeling one and I didn't believe all my friends and co-workers that said, " oh trust me, you'll know when your having them". Hmm, right you were, my friends, right you were. I was in no way feeling anything resembling a real contraction until I was started on the Pitocin drip. At first, I said to the nurse, " Oh, there's a contraction! That's not so bad!". She looked at me and smiled clearly thinking, " How cute". My nonchalant way of dealing with the "not so bad" contractions would soon be typical of the woman in the movies yelling, "give me the drugs, now!!". 
This all began at 10:00 in the morning so by the afternoon, I become quite uncomfortable. My nurses were fantastic and even assisted me in getting into the tub to try and relieve my pain. It was helpful, but not enough. My husband fueled himself on coffee and was there every step of the way holding my hand and reassuring me that everything would be alright. Seeing how my entire pregnancy I was completely off my rocker, I was very thankful that he was able to be so supportive even after the many times I threatened his life just for looking at me funny. Sorry, honey.
Anyway, 11:00 that night I received the epidural injection finally. I know some of you may be thinking how much of a wuss I am for taking the drugs, but I was not doing well at trying to champ it out and stay strong. The doctor ordered me to get some sleep once things started to become a bit numb, but as one could imagine, I really wasn't able to get much shut eye. I thought about whether the baby was okay in there, I thought about whether he would come out with all of his fingers and toes, I thought about whether I was ready to do this ( a little late for that thought, however).
By 5:30 the next morning, the pushing began. I am still unsure if the epidural just wore off or what, but I felt everything. I shook, I vomited, I hyperventilated to the point of needing an oxygen mask and as my husband stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, I began letting anxiety take me over. I told him I would miss him and to take care of the baby as I was surely going to die right then and there. He assured me I wouldn't but I was not convinced. With every contraction and every push, I felt like everything inside of me was trying to turn itself inside out. My son was sunny side up as they like to call it which meant the he was trying to come out face up instead of down. This causes a more difficult descent under the pubic bone during delivery but, thankfully, he was able to be turned the proper way. Whew! One less thing to worry about, right?


Three and a half hours later my son made his entry into the world. After all the Hollywood screaming I did, using a mirror down below for pushing motivation ( quite the sight), letting a student nurse into the room to watch the delivery, and going through several puke bags, I finally held his warm-skinned little body against my chest. Through the tears, I remember my first words to him being, " hello, my little baby". I swear he smiled then.
There was pain, there was fear, there was joy, there was astonishment. There was life. A little man that I sang to, poked at, worried about, and loved for nine months was finally here. It is true that this was the moment I decided that it was the greatest day of my life and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are all different, our experiences are unique to our own lives and my labor and delivery was definitely one for the books .Many people tried to sugar coat labor to me as they didn't want to frighten me. As much as I appreciate that, I think it is important to acknowledge all of the different things that come along with it and that it's okay to be afraid. Your giving birth to a human that changes your body and exits from an area that geometrically makes no sense. Hello! Totally acceptable to be terrified, my friends. So if any mommy's to be are reading this, just know that yes, it is painful and scary.The most important thing, however, is knowing that it is worth every second of hard work when you see your little angel for the first time and feel their breath on your skin. You got this.