Signs You're Old

Old.  What the hell is old?  To a teenager or person in their early twenties,  early thirties are old.  To people in their early thirties and up,  typically old means,  like 90's.

So when I talk about my discovery of signs that you're now old,  I'm merely referring to being older than whatever age or age bracket that last made you feel young.  Yeah...you're older than that.

Here's a few reasons how ya know:

1. You're tired:

I'm talking wiped the F out.  You worked all week and can't decide on going to a sick concert or going to bed on a Friday night?  Ummm...old. Old AND lame so kudos for the double whammy there.

2. Your eyelids:

When your applying eyeshadow and the skin on your eyelid moves around instead of being firm and taut?  Yep.  On your way to Oldsville.

3. Crows Feet:

I remember one time not long ago,  I was plucking my eyebrows.  There were a few stubborn bastids at the lower end of my brows that I just couldn't grab.  I'm like wtf,  why can't I pluck you?? Ohhhh that's right,  it wasn't hairs...it was wrinkles. I ended up with bloody pock marks and a state of depression.  Old.

4. Ya can't tell how old people are:

Wtf.  Kids that are in college look like they're eleven. Seriously.  I was just watching a segment on TV about rival college football teams and they had these cute little cheerleaders and players smiling away and throwing up the #1 finger sign.  Yeah.  Then you turn into the #1 creeper when you realize you shouldn't think the 20-year-old quarterback is cute. I just thought he was a young looking 30-year-old. Awkward.  Oh.....and old.

5. You get excited about old people shit:

Yesssssssss!!!  The vacuum I wanted is on friggin sale,  bingo's goin' down tonight and zip lock baggies are two for one?!  Holllllaaaaaaa!!  Like for real,  some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You may have set out for a pair of heels (in case you have a date night in the next ten years) but instead you come home with a coat rack and a welcome mat.  Congrats,  you won the old as shit lottery. 

6. You consider late early:

Remember when you didn't go out until 11:30 and you stayed up till 5 then worked the next day?  Yeahhhhhhh about that.  Now your ass needs to be in bed by 9:30 so you can soak the corns on your feet and exfoliate the old off your face.  I keep thinking I can recover from staying out late the night before but let's be real.  Nope.  Old.

7. Music :

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're never too old for the tunes you love.  Rap,  hip hop, R&B,  rock...whatever it is,  I believe you should always rock the shit out of it.  It just becomes weird when people half your age know the same tunage. This may actually be one of the only instances where you feel old but in actuality you hold the front runner torch.  Young ones?  Stand back,  watch,  and learn.  Mama knew about this shit waaaaaaaay before the gangnam style. Old?  Neverrrrrrrrr.

Look, we define what's old and what isn't at the end of the day but we can't deny the social acceptance of what "they"  say is old. It's always about" THEY".

Between social media and our kids or friend's kids,  time changes us. It's inevitable.
In my opinion, though, just go with it and embrace when we have the ability to say people are just " too young"  and when we are what we all ultimately deny in life: getting old.  Old ain't nothing but a state of mind,  anyway,  right?? 

Yup.  That's what I choose to believe. Who's with me?

When Your Little One is Feeling like Poop

What else is worse than your child being sick?

I know having a toenail rip off or walking into a glass door are pretty bad,  too,  but having a sick child is one of those situations that trigger multiple emotions at once.  It's pretty overwhelming. 

My son started feeling under the weather on Saturday with a congested cough, but he ALSO has had two back molar teeth ripping through at the same time so the combination of that and whatever else he was fighting has sucked immensely. Yesterday was when the insanity really started and he just screamed and cried all day and night when he finally fell asleep after midnight.  Today he is still not feeling well.

I've learned that parents deal with a lot,  too,  during this time.  We go through an array of the following that often,  and rightfully so, take a backseat to your child/children feeling like poop:

Heartbreak:
It's extremely devastating to see those sad,  puffy little eyes looking up at you thus confirming how sick they really are.  Sure,  as an adult we just stick a straw in some Nyquil and tell everyone to leave us the HELL alone, but kids can't do that.  They expect their parents to know what to do and when you can't console them it makes you feel like an epic failure. Hugs and kisses...gotta give lots of those!

Frustration:
OK,  we are human.  After an entire day and night or more,  hearing your little one scream constantly can get a little tiring.  OK a lot tiring.  OK you contemplate sticking a fork in your own head because at this point your just done, but I'm here to tell you that isn't abnormal.  I don't think it is anyway.  There have been times during this stint of sickness that I had to stop and cry a little myself because I just couldn't make him happy.  Frustrating,  yes....yes it is.

Happiness:
What I mean is,  when your kid finally takes some Tylenol or eats/drinks something you do a really bad ass happy dance while clapping and saying, "Yayyyyyyyy!" 
The best is when they start smiling and playing again.  My son had Hand Foot and Mouth about five months ago and it was awful.  Just a miserable,  fevered up boy that wouldn't smile or leave your lap.  Once he started feeling better and was able to crack a little toothed smile,  Mommy was able to take a shower and he was able to run around again causing ruckous.  It was glorious!

Anger....toward your spouse :
After taking care of a sick little one all day,  the last friggin thing one needs is to argue with their significant other just because.  Your a little more on edge than usual and it's easy to take it out on each other out of frustration.  So take the task of caring for the sick babe,  split it 50/50 and high five each other along the way because your doing the best you can.  Sneak a kiss or a hug in there for good measure.  Or slap each other around a little bit,  either way.  You'll get your point across.

So kids have it rough when their sick and their healing and well being is the top priority,  but don't forget to acknowledge your own sanity and know it's ok to lose your shit a little bit.  By lose your shit I mean it's cool to walk away,  take a deep breath and go back and hug your little one. It's frustrating for all involved but your not alone and your little one will be playing with your cell phone and ripping the blinds down in no time!!

People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

1. CANCER. 
2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
11. STUBBING YOUR TOE('S).
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)