Signs You're Old

Old.  What the hell is old?  To a teenager or person in their early twenties,  early thirties are old.  To people in their early thirties and up,  typically old means,  like 90's.

So when I talk about my discovery of signs that you're now old,  I'm merely referring to being older than whatever age or age bracket that last made you feel young.  Yeah...you're older than that.

Here's a few reasons how ya know:

1. You're tired:

I'm talking wiped the F out.  You worked all week and can't decide on going to a sick concert or going to bed on a Friday night?  Ummm...old. Old AND lame so kudos for the double whammy there.

2. Your eyelids:

When your applying eyeshadow and the skin on your eyelid moves around instead of being firm and taut?  Yep.  On your way to Oldsville.

3. Crows Feet:

I remember one time not long ago,  I was plucking my eyebrows.  There were a few stubborn bastids at the lower end of my brows that I just couldn't grab.  I'm like wtf,  why can't I pluck you?? Ohhhh that's right,  it wasn't hairs...it was wrinkles. I ended up with bloody pock marks and a state of depression.  Old.

4. Ya can't tell how old people are:

Wtf.  Kids that are in college look like they're eleven. Seriously.  I was just watching a segment on TV about rival college football teams and they had these cute little cheerleaders and players smiling away and throwing up the #1 finger sign.  Yeah.  Then you turn into the #1 creeper when you realize you shouldn't think the 20-year-old quarterback is cute. I just thought he was a young looking 30-year-old. Awkward.  Oh.....and old.

5. You get excited about old people shit:

Yesssssssss!!!  The vacuum I wanted is on friggin sale,  bingo's goin' down tonight and zip lock baggies are two for one?!  Holllllaaaaaaa!!  Like for real,  some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You may have set out for a pair of heels (in case you have a date night in the next ten years) but instead you come home with a coat rack and a welcome mat.  Congrats,  you won the old as shit lottery. 

6. You consider late early:

Remember when you didn't go out until 11:30 and you stayed up till 5 then worked the next day?  Yeahhhhhhh about that.  Now your ass needs to be in bed by 9:30 so you can soak the corns on your feet and exfoliate the old off your face.  I keep thinking I can recover from staying out late the night before but let's be real.  Nope.  Old.

7. Music :

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're never too old for the tunes you love.  Rap,  hip hop, R&B,  rock...whatever it is,  I believe you should always rock the shit out of it.  It just becomes weird when people half your age know the same tunage. This may actually be one of the only instances where you feel old but in actuality you hold the front runner torch.  Young ones?  Stand back,  watch,  and learn.  Mama knew about this shit waaaaaaaay before the gangnam style. Old?  Neverrrrrrrrr.

Look, we define what's old and what isn't at the end of the day but we can't deny the social acceptance of what "they"  say is old. It's always about" THEY".

Between social media and our kids or friend's kids,  time changes us. It's inevitable.
In my opinion, though, just go with it and embrace when we have the ability to say people are just " too young"  and when we are what we all ultimately deny in life: getting old.  Old ain't nothing but a state of mind,  anyway,  right?? 

Yup.  That's what I choose to believe. Who's with me?

When Your Little One is Feeling like Poop

What else is worse than your child being sick?

I know having a toenail rip off or walking into a glass door are pretty bad,  too,  but having a sick child is one of those situations that trigger multiple emotions at once.  It's pretty overwhelming. 

My son started feeling under the weather on Saturday with a congested cough, but he ALSO has had two back molar teeth ripping through at the same time so the combination of that and whatever else he was fighting has sucked immensely. Yesterday was when the insanity really started and he just screamed and cried all day and night when he finally fell asleep after midnight.  Today he is still not feeling well.

I've learned that parents deal with a lot,  too,  during this time.  We go through an array of the following that often,  and rightfully so, take a backseat to your child/children feeling like poop:

Heartbreak:
It's extremely devastating to see those sad,  puffy little eyes looking up at you thus confirming how sick they really are.  Sure,  as an adult we just stick a straw in some Nyquil and tell everyone to leave us the HELL alone, but kids can't do that.  They expect their parents to know what to do and when you can't console them it makes you feel like an epic failure. Hugs and kisses...gotta give lots of those!

Frustration:
OK,  we are human.  After an entire day and night or more,  hearing your little one scream constantly can get a little tiring.  OK a lot tiring.  OK you contemplate sticking a fork in your own head because at this point your just done, but I'm here to tell you that isn't abnormal.  I don't think it is anyway.  There have been times during this stint of sickness that I had to stop and cry a little myself because I just couldn't make him happy.  Frustrating,  yes....yes it is.

Happiness:
What I mean is,  when your kid finally takes some Tylenol or eats/drinks something you do a really bad ass happy dance while clapping and saying, "Yayyyyyyyy!" 
The best is when they start smiling and playing again.  My son had Hand Foot and Mouth about five months ago and it was awful.  Just a miserable,  fevered up boy that wouldn't smile or leave your lap.  Once he started feeling better and was able to crack a little toothed smile,  Mommy was able to take a shower and he was able to run around again causing ruckous.  It was glorious!

Anger....toward your spouse :
After taking care of a sick little one all day,  the last friggin thing one needs is to argue with their significant other just because.  Your a little more on edge than usual and it's easy to take it out on each other out of frustration.  So take the task of caring for the sick babe,  split it 50/50 and high five each other along the way because your doing the best you can.  Sneak a kiss or a hug in there for good measure.  Or slap each other around a little bit,  either way.  You'll get your point across.

So kids have it rough when their sick and their healing and well being is the top priority,  but don't forget to acknowledge your own sanity and know it's ok to lose your shit a little bit.  By lose your shit I mean it's cool to walk away,  take a deep breath and go back and hug your little one. It's frustrating for all involved but your not alone and your little one will be playing with your cell phone and ripping the blinds down in no time!!

Remember the Christmas Magic?

Ah.  My son is asleep.  Kinda.  I keep hearing faint cries from his crib in the distance every so often,  but he should be dreaming shortly.

Just kidding,  he's crying loudly now. Ugh. ** Palm to forehead**.

My husband is playing some video games in the other room and I decided I shall sit here and watch a Christmas movie full of good cheer,  damnit!

While scrolling to find a jolly ole holiday movie,  I come across The Shawshank Redemption.  Seriously?  Ah yes,  I suppose nothing says Christmas like some sweet prison brutality and some shanks made out of old toothbrushes. 

Great movie,  but I keep scrolling.

Something is missing; I contemplate a beer.  Nah,  I don't feel like a beer.  That's weird I always feel like a beer.

Cookies out of the oven,  though?  Yeah I just ate six of those little delicious bastids.

Then,  as if reading my Christmas thirsty mind,  I see The Santa Clause is coming on.  I friggin' love this movie (it's legit on right now) just like I love Christmas Vacation and Home Alone and It's a Wonderful Life and all the other notorious Christmas movies.  It makes me think how long I've been watching these flicks.  I would say close to my whole life most of them have been around and they're still able to induce the same holiday warm and fuzziness as they did when I was a kid.  They trigger memories and bring me right back to those moments in time.

It's kinda sad how the holiday experience differs from childhood to adulthood.  Things were so damn magical,  ya know?

I remember thinking how cool it would be if I could catch Santa leaving gifts under the tree and eating my cookies (thanks Mom and Dad for eating the cookies) . I remember looking at all the lights on our house as if they were the entry to some magical Kingdom. When my Dad would string all those gigantic old school colored bulbs up on the tree I used to lie underneath it and stare up into the colors.  I pictured Chip and Dale chasing each other around the branches and ornaments like they did in the Mickey Mouse movies.  Never did see them though; guess I was kind of a weird kid.

I totally miss when my Dad would pull me behind him on my orange sled and we would go out into the back fields and into the woods on adventures at night. It was cold and it was probably pretty damn hard on my Dad's back,  but with a little laughter and hot chocolate....maybe spiked with rum for Pops...we had a super awesome time.  It was even cooler when the snow would actually fall while we were out there; honestly,  I still hear the crunch of my Dad's feet against the snow. 

I remember family trips to the pond for ice skating,  Mom's spritz cookies, going to look at lights in the neighborhoods,  and even Dad cutting down our own Christmas tree just like the Griswolds in Christmas Vacation.  Yeah....we were and still are a lot like the Griswolds.  Hahahahaha...such a true story.

Anyway,  Christmas was just the most kick ass thing ever.  Everything was exciting and wonderous and I'm so pumped to watch my son experience those same feelings as he grows up.

Watching these movies that have brought me joy for so many years is incredibly nostalgic and it makes me want to bring it all back in anyway that I can.

Why not believe in Santa as a grown up? Who says ya can't lie under the Christmas tree at 5"8 ft tall?  I mean let's not forget the magic we felt as kids because there's no rule that says we have to!! 

I can't wait to make new memories and traditions with my son for the holidays and I hope I can incorporate some of the memories from my childhood as well. 

I don't know if my Dad could still pull me on a sled these days but I'll never forget the days he could....

So cheers to holiday movies that make you feel warm and rejuvenate some magical memories. 

I'm going to lie under the Christmas tree now and wait for Chip and Dale....

Xoxo

The Logan Chronicles: Prison Break

 On this episode of TLC, a look into the newly discovered ability to high tail it outta dodge is examined. 

I decided yesterday that it was time to decorate for Christmas so I went down to the basement to grab the decorations.  My husband rigged the gating system we have for my son and attached it to the wall so he has a ton of room to run and play instead of being confined to the UFC looking octagon. 

So far it has worked fine.

Until now.

I started to put up some Santas and glittery trees and went into the kitchen to grab another couple of items for display.  I notice while I'm in there that I hear footsteps going up my stairs....

OK, Lauren,  your losin' it,  I think to myself.  No one was even home to be trotting up the stairs....except my son.

Omg, MY SON!!!!!  wtf!!!

I no sooner thought it and heard footsteps above my head pitter-pattering around real quick-like.  I flew through the dining room,  Olympic style hurdled over the first gate then ran through the living room and gold medaled that shit over the second one and up the stairs. 

There he was,  in my bedroom and about to close the door in my face looking like he was half amused with himself and half confused by my likely bugged out eyes and inability to breathe from my quick athletic affair.  He started to sputter some baby jibberish to defend his case; I was absolutely terrified. I'm pretty sure my heart rate has never been that high in my life.

Dude...how did he get out of the living room??! I was in the kitchen a minute at best and I didn't even hear a struggle out there at all!  He had to have pre-meditited his escape,  I mean,  that took some planning and it was seriously close to ninja status. 

I was totally freaked out and wanted to know how he did it so I went in the dining room to spy. After about a fifteen seconds or so, he ran over to the gate and was doing this:

                                  

Little crazy man actually bent the damn gate almost flat so he could do some kind of a SWAT move and jet over the side! Ugh, I thought about the fact that he could have fallen down the stairs or gotten into something upstairs had I not gotten to him quick enough. I was so thankful that I had the Olympic training to reach him in time. Whew. Ok, I'm trying to make light of the situation because sometimes that's all you can do, right?!! So scary.

Strangely, he didn't try to do this again, but I'm definitley not convinced that he won't. I can't believe how smart and bigger and taller he has gotten and pretty soon he is going to be able to just step right over the gate, get married, move away and be out of my life forever!!!!! Alright, alright I'm being dramatic but that's what it feels like! I know kids climb out of their cribs and car seats and all that crap I just didn't think my son was anywhere near that stage where he was actually thinking of trying it. It just goes to show how fast these little people grow! Wish he would slow down and stay little forev.

So today I thank my son, Logan Michael, for showing me how quick your little feet and brain work!

I'm thinking a prison high fence and armed guards might be in store next for my little dude, jeez...

Love ya, bud. Thanks for the heart attack. Xoxo.

Give Thanks: Catch the Thankfulitis

How 'bout that snow, eh , guys?!!

It's  that time of year again to eat till your pants cause a serious pain in your lower abdomen and when naps are a must.  A time where people come together and bring odd dishes like jello molds and cheap wine.  Tomorrow,  my pals,  is Thanksgiving!

I could eat a Thanksgiving meal 365 days a year without question.  It's my favorite,  especially the way my Mom makes it because no one ever makes it like dear ole' Ma.  I just love getting together and stuffing our guts and having a few laughs.  Usually those laughs involve my Dad somehow because it's always fun to pick on your Dad!! Love ya,  Dad.

The thing that makes me think , though,  is that every year and every Thanksgiving is not guaranteed. Compared to when I was younger,  I've lost two uncles, my Nana,  had an aunt and a sister move away,  currently have an aunt that battles that asshole known as Cancer and my other sister unfortunately,  is very sick with a mental illness that keeps her from her sanity and in turn, keeps her from being able to be around us. It's devastating and it's hard and everyone has hard times,  I'm no worse off than anyone else.  I'm just saying look around this Thanksgiving.

Look around and see who you have beside you and the glorious grub before you and entice new memories and stories.  Be thankful not just on Thanksgiving Day, but vow to be thankful each day.  It's not always easy to do,  especially when things go wrong,  and I hear ya,  I know how that goes.  Every moment that passes,  however, we have a new chance to embrace the thankful-itis and appreciate it.

What are you thankful for?  Seriously,  name five things,  right now,  that you are thankful for and vow to remember them everyday and even add one or two a day. Here are my five:

1. A beautiful and crazy family:)
2. A cozy roof over my head.
3. A job with benefits,  learning opportunities,  and great co-workers.
4. Friends that are nutty like me.
5. My health.

See?  Not that hard to catch the thankful-itis. There's no cure once you catch it,  and it IS possible to spread Thankfulitis to others. So go spread it!!!!

So tonight,  after a quick play in the snow with my husband and son on this fine Thanksgiving Eve,  I vow to give thanks for another holiday I am blessed to see.  You never know when those odd jello
molds and wine will stop showing up or when the turkey could get a little bit smaller.

Love each other and love this insane,  pain in the bum, but pretty bitchin' life that you have in front of your eyes.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all:)

Love, Lauren xoxo

And to my Sister,  Allison,
May you be warm wherever you are and know that we pray for you to overcome this illness.  We
miss you and we love you.  Xoxo

Reasons Not to Hate My Husband

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I want to punch my husband in the head a lot. I'm pretty sure I have even told him I was going to do so on more than one occasion. It's a true story.

I do, however, have many reasons to NOT punch my husband in the head and I like to try and focus on those things instead. Ok...starting today I would like to try and focus on those things instead. Happy now, Zachary? I can see him laughing from here when he reads that. Hardy har har.

Anyway, being married or in a relationship, period, is hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and often times it just sucks. It's so easy to focus on what someone is doing to piss you off instead of what they are doing to keep you happy and that never results in anything good. I find it way easier to yell at my husband than to give him a hug and play nice sometimes and that's not cool. There are many, many reasons that I love the guy and those reasons keep me from doing bodily harm against him when he infuriates me. I'm reminded why I fell in love with him and he stays safe. It's a win, win!!!!

So today, I share reasons to love and not hate. Here goes: 


-He kisses me before I brush my teeth in the morning. Ok, it's gross but it's love.
-He says he's sorry and he says it WAY more than I do. Sorry:(
-He turns on the TV for me so I can sleep at night even though he mumbles about it under his breath.
-He holds my hand when I don't expect it.
-He drives me to work in bad weather because he knows I'm scared. Aaaaaand because he knows I'm more likely to crash the car.
-He lets me watch all my "lame" shows even though he bitches about it.

-He sings to me. Ok it's usually a song unrelated to love and unrelated to me and he sings it loud and crazy ,but he sings.

-He dealt with me being an absolute nutcase while pregnant. No, really...NUT....CASE.

-He watched me push out a human and talked me through every minute.

-He holds back my hair if I'm going to vom.

-He makes sure I don't wear an ugly outfit.

-He surprises me with beer. Oh, and flowers. :)

-He wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring and scaring the neighborhood children.

-He knows better than to ask me what I want for dinner more than twice.

-He always serves me my food first and usually a huge helping 'cuz I likes to eat!

-He always makes me laugh even when I want to throw numb chucks at his groin.

-He lets me hold the remote. Not always, mind you, but it happens.

-He accepts the other love in my life which is napping. I friggin love naps! Oh, and Channing Tatum. 

-He tolerates my inability to understand certain movie plots which leads me to say , " I don't get it."

-He gets up with my son when he knows I want to sleep till at least 8 o'clock.

-He painted my toenails when I was too pregnant to bend over. 

-He buys me tampons.

-He acts totally stupid with me, especially when a sweet jam comes on the radio.

-He reads my blog ( tee he hee).

-He cares about my dreams, even the outlandish ones like becoming a famous singer or actress;).

-He tells me I can when I say I can't. 

-He never gives up on me:):):)

-He always, always says "I love you" even when I know he wants to secretly kill me but he doesn't try because spouses are always the number one suspect. Awww, thanks, honey!

There's a ton of reasons not to hate my husband and those are just some of the fun ones:). The main reason, honestly, is because he puts me before himself without question and that isn't always easy to do. I'm a lot to handle when I get pissy and full of worry so I should probably be nicer sometimes.

 

So, ladies, when you want to hate your husband, try a little harder to remind yourself why you don't. :)

  

The Logan Chronicles : Sleep is for Sissies

Today on The Logan Chronicles,  we discuss Logan's two-day strike against a nap before daycare.  If you have children,  you know or remember how much of a bitch it can be to get your little bugger to take a nap.  My son will literally do everything in his power to avoid giving into the sleep fairies even though most of the fight he puts up is when he's half asleep.

                   Exhibit  A: The Headstand

This move typically occurs when he is absolutely exhausted,  damn near passes out on my chest or crook of my arm (usually on the couch) ,  but then suddenly decides he has sick skills and jumps up to showcase his downward dog while moving his butt up and down.  Think of a drunk person trying to convince themselves they have it in them to dance to one more song or can totally still do a cartwheel or another shot. No...no you can't. Shhhhh, just go to sleep.  

Exhibit B: The Spin and Smile 

I work evenings in a hospital so the ole,  "sleep when the baby sleeps"  is something I attempt to do with my son whenever I'm able.  Once we settle down for a co-nap in Mom and Dad's  bed,  usually we are quick to enter dream land; in the above picture, however, Logan presented one of his other sleep avoidances known as the spin and smile. This pic was taken right after he spun around five times like a puppy, smushed his face into the pillow, and faked like he was sleeping for about 30 seconds. Then, like a jack in a box, he sprung up and smiled. Usually,  his eyes are shut when he does this one because he's so close to caving in to nigh nights.  I find this to be his odd way of trying to convince me he is way too cute to slumber.  Dude,  you are pretty friggin' cute,  but really???! 

There were other fillers in between Logan's antics that were not so cute.  He pulled his own hair,  threw his bottle,  and cried and screamed in protest. I,  too,  then pulled my own hair and cried.  Just take a friggin' nap!  

But then these two thoughts ran through my head: 1. I'd be pissed,  too,  if someone tried to make me nap, and 2. My son was having way more fun doing his headstands and his spin and smiles.  He simply wasn't feelin' a nap and even though there's reprocussions later in the day when he doesn't ( like he can get very grouchy. Duh. ) ,  my kid wanted to play with me instead. Being up and silly was making him happy and I only get a couple hours to play before we head to daycare and work. Not to mention very few years that he's going to even want to choose his Mom over other more exciting things. 

Wow,  did I just really conclude that at least I'm more fun than sleep?  Ehhh..... I don't know what to make of that.  Haha. Anywaaaayyy....    

So today I thank my son,  Logan Michael, for showing me that sometimes we need to say  screw the nap and bring on the toys.  We aren't promised tomorrow so let's have some fun today and sleep later:)  XOXO. 

The Logan Chronicles: The Cardboard Box

On this introductory episode of The Logan Chronicles, picture an adorable one-year-old boy that runs the entire household and takes all your shit.  A boy that wears a smirk and can fake a cry at the drop of a hat and knows when he does something wrong but does it anyway. A boy who I love more than anything in this world and  keeps me on my toes...literally. This little boy is my son.

He is pretty damn funny.

We moved to a new place back in September and, sadly, I had two boxes left full of absolute crap and random ish that I decided to go through today. I got one cleaned out and left the other one to collect more dust for another day; that first one really wiped me out.

Anyway, I gave the empty box to my son thinking he would crawl in it a couple times and get bored like he usually does, but instead...he played in it for over 3 hours. Hip, hip hooray!!!!! Mom can eat some snacks and watch a movie! Right?  Nottttt really. It didn't matter though, he hadn't been feeling well so watching him figure out what to turn this box into was way more fun!

Soon the box became several fun items at once for Logan; a cardboard mountain to sit on with glee,  a pair of bongos to make music on,  a cave,  a sweet hat to wear that made his giggles echo,  and of course: just a simple object to stack another object on so he could tip the top object over.  Naturally. 

Logan made me remember how often I used my insanely fantastic imagination when I was younger and how I was so easily amused.   Then in turn,  I realized how I don't use that imagination nearly enough as an adult and it made me kinda sad,  man.  As kids,  we didn't take life so seriously. We lived each day as it came while turning anything and everything into something fun; in adult terms,  this means we were always positive.  I get down on my hands and knees and play with my son daily and come up with silly voices and games turning myself into a child once more,  but once I stand back up..... I'm an adult again.  When did that happen?  I fear I'll say the same about my son quicker than I'd like. 

So today,  I thank my son, Logan Michael,  for reminding your Mom that sometimes we need to pull out the cardboard box and get creative; we need to forget the negative and embrace the positive and make the best of this messy,  insane life.  XOXO. 

  

Dealing with Food Addiction-The Struggle is Real

My name is Lauren, and I'm a food-a-holic.
 Whew. Thank God I got that off my chest, it's been EATING away at me for some time now. Haha.

 
Yeah, anyway. All lame jokes aside, I really do have an issue with food. I'm not an overweight woman but I am not a 110 pound woman either. Kinda lost in that weird fifth dimension of whether I'm considered a skinny person or not. I like to call it The Thigh-Light Zone. Ba dum chhhh.

 But really, I have struggled with dieting and exercise for a very, very long time. It's my kangaroo pouch that I can't seem to get rid of, the rest of me I am ok with. The good news is that I usually keep trying one way or another, but the bad news is that I have yet to see the results I want. I know, I'm obviously not trying as hard as I could. It's hella hard for me to give up the salty foods and the fried foods and the dips and the chips even though I know they are doing nothing for my health or waistline. It's truly like I'm a drug addict that feels guilty about using once I am done eating bad food. I mean, do I need some sort of intervention?

 So as if the things I crave aren't bad enough, I over eat. Yup, overeating is the real demon in the situation. It doesn't matter if I am full or not, either, if there is something out on the table or in the breakroom at work that I enjoy, I eat it. It's almost as if I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't take one of those cookies or have seconds of the mashed potatoes. I suppose this is all a prime example of stress eating, or binge eating, or eating your real feelings or some shit like that, but, whatever it is....the struggle is real.

 So let's examine whether some of the reasons for food addiction would solve or not solve the issue at hand:


 1. Stress Eating: Now why the HELL would someone turn to food when they are stressed out?? Especially if they are stressed out about being overweight or being unhealthy? I suppose the euphoria of a twinkie high or a carb fest would be a quick fix depending on the reason for stress, but at the end of it all...there's quite a bit of irony in the situation! It's like, I eat too many bad things which gives me zero energy to go to the gym. I'm going to sit here and eat this candy bar instead of taking that bike ride. What? I don't get it. If your stressed, try reading a book, or sitting outside, or dancing to some sweet tunes and shaking it off. There's always flicking the person that is stressing you out right in between the eyes or having a stiff drink. I'm just sayin' it could help, I ain't sayin' it's right. Don't judge me.


 2. Binge Eating: Well, if binge eating is anything like binge drinking, and I suspect it is, I can see how this one can make a little sense. You eat well all week, you go for walks, you hit the gym and pump some iron....so screw it! Come Friday, it's the friggin' weekend and I'm gonna have me some cake, pie, and fries! Cheat day, ya'll!! Oh and a big ass, calorie-infested martini. Shit, I can binge eat AND binge drink at the same time!! Now THAT is talent, folks. I totally believe if your going to diet, you should have cheat days or it will result in an epic fail. Maybe try cheating at one out of the three meals instead of all of them? At least that way you get a little satisfaction without completely feeling like you've lost the battle to Captain Cholesterol and Sargent Sugar Pants.

 3. Eating Your Real Feelings: Now, I don't know about this one. I guess you can cover up how depressed you are by eating something comforting, but what about other feelings and emotions? I can tell you right now, if I'm angry? I'm not about to stuff a cheeseburger down my throat with a side of onion rings to deal with it. Can you imagine a pissed off person at a red light next to you screaming at someone on their cell phone while they pop skittles into their mouth or wolf down a foot long?
 " Screw you, A-Hole! I gotta whole bag of candy and some pork, I'm a mad woman!!!!" Bah! that'd be hilarious, though, I'm just sayin'.

 So look, food addiction is real and so is laziness. Yes, we are all busy with work, or school, the kids, or whatnot; but the motto I have been trying repeatedly to live by is if not now, when? Seriously, when are we ( yes, WE, myself included) going to get it together and choose the salad over the chicken fingers ( Mmmm, my fave) and the walk over the nap and the gym over the happy hour? Whoa...well I don't know about skipping the happy hour, but I mean if we don't dedicate ourselves to being healthy and getting to look the way we want to now, then when the hell will we? We won't. It's hard, and I'm here to tell you I'm with ya. I get it. All we can do is keep trying and know that we aren't alone in the food struggle and lazy coma, there are others out there. Tomorrow is a new day. For now...I shall sit and eat my Whoppers in peace as I picture myself by next summer in a tiny, little bikini and a wash board stomach..... It'll happen. Right??.......

Cray Cray Toddler Status

Holy shit.
The toddler phase has commenced.

I love my barely one -year -old son more than anything in this world but, dude, he has recently started to become a little bit of a crazy animal. I know, I know...all kids are crazy animals but I am a new mom and I didn't know they started tantrums and testing your patience quite this early.

We started out this windy ass Sunday by heading to Walmart to get some groceries and a couple other tid bits ( including diapers...9 dollar a bag diapers...Jesus). My son was behaving pretty well minus him deciding he was too cool to sit with his feet through the cart. He just had to sit sideways with one arm up like a grown man watching sports on the couch would do. He was safe and not trying to jump out so we let him do it, whatever. We strolled down several aisles both getting things we needed and checking out things we want to get at some point in the future ( like a really badass, giant TV) when the whining started. No big deal, I gave him a snack and he was happy like he usually is. Low and behold, he began to showcase his crooked smile indicating he was about to do something he shouldn't do, looked me directly in the eyes and threw his snack on the floor.  Immediately following the suicide of the snack, my little guy let out an ever popular, "uh-oh".  Exhibit A of the above noted "trying your patience" bit right there. He knew it was wrong and he knew I wouldn't like it but he wanted to see if he could get away with it. I told him no and not to throw his snacks and took them away for the remainder of the shopping trip. Cue crying.

Once we got home, my husband and I did some couch lounging while browsing on our electronic devices and getting down on the floor and playing with the baby. I decided to push him around on his little toy train as he giggled with glee while we did several laps around the living room. Once mommy was out of breath and decided to stop, his mouth opened wide, his eyes shut and the silent cry before the loud cry took over his face. I felt bad but jeez, buddy, mommy was sweating! We then proceeded to play peek a boo and tickle monster and other silly games all of which he had a zero tolerance for stopping them without crying in disappointment. He would have, indeed, stayed happy if I would have continuously entertained him!

The rest if the day was just a further affirmation that my little man is on his way to getting into absolutely everything regardless of whether he could get hurt or whether something could get ruined or broken. Turning my back for one moment or not being within his reach allowed him to grab and toss my iPad and cell phone, pull and bend the curtain rod ( luckily we could bend it back!), and let's not mention the 700 trips on and off the couch to try and sneak a sip or a grab of my seltzer water. The part I find the hardest is that even though you have to tell your kids no and you need to redirect them away from doing things they shouldn't, they are so friggin cute that it makes it hard to stay upset for long!

Oye.

It's that time of empty bottles being thrown, food being spit out, and Cheerios ending up in your hair, that is for certain. I knew these days were coming, but I think all you can really do is buckle up for the ride!!

15 Things a Mother Cant Deny!!

Becoming a parent is a blessing, it's a true story. So many things change and most of those changes are actually quite comical. You find yourself doing things in a totally different way and thinking in a totally different sequence. Now that I'm a Mom, naturally, some of the following have come into play, I'm sure some can relate:

1. I know every theme song to every kids show on every kids network. I sing them periodically throughout the day. At really inopportune times, might I add, like in the beer aisle in the grocery store.
2. I instantaneously lick my thumb and wipe my child's caked up face JUST like my mother used to do. Ugh, seriously.
3. Peek a boo has become such a part of my daily routine I often end up playing it with myself in the mirror while I do my make up.
4. Baby talk and really odd baby pet names have made their way into everyday conversation with adults such as my husband and co-workers.
5. I have more diapers in my purse then I do blush or lipstick.
6. Diaper wipes are my new go-to item for everything in my home. Sinks, in lieu of toilet paper, make up remover, counters....I love the crap out of those things!
7. I can now shampoo, wash up and shave in 2.5 seconds flat.
8. I clap and say YAYYYYYY not only when my son does something new or correctly but also when I do something new or correctly.
9. My idea of a Friday night on the town is out to Wal-Mart to get Desitin and a gallon of milk. I usually dress up for that.
10. I've learned to sleep in a hyper aware state and know when my son makes any sort of movement.  It's kinda ninja-esque.
11. I sometimes still wear my nursing bra even though I'm no longer breastfeeding. Comfort trumps sexy most days.
12.  Speaking of sexy,  my stretch marks are - - nope,  that's the end of that sentence.  Stretch marks. 
13. Sometimes laughing too hard has its consequences.  You either get that one or you don't. 
14. I am now pretty sure I could enter a one handed diaper changing contest if it ever became a thing. Is that thing? It should be a thing.

15. I perform the lift -and -smell my son's bum routine without a seconds thought regardless of where I am or who I'm around.

Oh man. These are only a few of the things I've noted since being a mom among the million. Like I said...I find most of these adjustments funny and I am excited to see all the other adaptations that pop up along the way!

The Truth about Childbirth: Ouch

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDBIRTH: OUCH

07/13/2014

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And so I present you with the ever popular, yet not understood unless you experience it, phrase that you hear from new mothers: the day my child was born was the greatest day of my life. It's true, so very true. What is also true, however, is that I only remember portions of the greatest day of my life as it was also the most painful and terrifying experience I have endured to date! 
I went into see my OB GYN only to find out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low and I needed to get to the hospital right away. Now being 41 weeks pregnant at this point, I knew the day would come where I would actually give birth, but it got way too real way too quick. Wait, something of what size was going to come out of where? I'm going to do this, like, now at this very moment? Surely there is time, he can wait a little longer...say, a few more months? No, a few more months he would certainly reach at least 20 pounds and that would really hurt. Ok, now is the time, I suppose.
I was started on Pitocin right away once I reached my delivery room to get my contractions going. Contractions. Those were a real treat, too. I remember thinking so many times at work and at home that I was feeling one and I didn't believe all my friends and co-workers that said, " oh trust me, you'll know when your having them". Hmm, right you were, my friends, right you were. I was in no way feeling anything resembling a real contraction until I was started on the Pitocin drip. At first, I said to the nurse, " Oh, there's a contraction! That's not so bad!". She looked at me and smiled clearly thinking, " How cute". My nonchalant way of dealing with the "not so bad" contractions would soon be typical of the woman in the movies yelling, "give me the drugs, now!!". 
This all began at 10:00 in the morning so by the afternoon, I become quite uncomfortable. My nurses were fantastic and even assisted me in getting into the tub to try and relieve my pain. It was helpful, but not enough. My husband fueled himself on coffee and was there every step of the way holding my hand and reassuring me that everything would be alright. Seeing how my entire pregnancy I was completely off my rocker, I was very thankful that he was able to be so supportive even after the many times I threatened his life just for looking at me funny. Sorry, honey.
Anyway, 11:00 that night I received the epidural injection finally. I know some of you may be thinking how much of a wuss I am for taking the drugs, but I was not doing well at trying to champ it out and stay strong. The doctor ordered me to get some sleep once things started to become a bit numb, but as one could imagine, I really wasn't able to get much shut eye. I thought about whether the baby was okay in there, I thought about whether he would come out with all of his fingers and toes, I thought about whether I was ready to do this ( a little late for that thought, however).
By 5:30 the next morning, the pushing began. I am still unsure if the epidural just wore off or what, but I felt everything. I shook, I vomited, I hyperventilated to the point of needing an oxygen mask and as my husband stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, I began letting anxiety take me over. I told him I would miss him and to take care of the baby as I was surely going to die right then and there. He assured me I wouldn't but I was not convinced. With every contraction and every push, I felt like everything inside of me was trying to turn itself inside out. My son was sunny side up as they like to call it which meant the he was trying to come out face up instead of down. This causes a more difficult descent under the pubic bone during delivery but, thankfully, he was able to be turned the proper way. Whew! One less thing to worry about, right?


Three and a half hours later my son made his entry into the world. After all the Hollywood screaming I did, using a mirror down below for pushing motivation ( quite the sight), letting a student nurse into the room to watch the delivery, and going through several puke bags, I finally held his warm-skinned little body against my chest. Through the tears, I remember my first words to him being, " hello, my little baby". I swear he smiled then.
There was pain, there was fear, there was joy, there was astonishment. There was life. A little man that I sang to, poked at, worried about, and loved for nine months was finally here. It is true that this was the moment I decided that it was the greatest day of my life and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are all different, our experiences are unique to our own lives and my labor and delivery was definitely one for the books .Many people tried to sugar coat labor to me as they didn't want to frighten me. As much as I appreciate that, I think it is important to acknowledge all of the different things that come along with it and that it's okay to be afraid. Your giving birth to a human that changes your body and exits from an area that geometrically makes no sense. Hello! Totally acceptable to be terrified, my friends. So if any mommy's to be are reading this, just know that yes, it is painful and scary.The most important thing, however, is knowing that it is worth every second of hard work when you see your little angel for the first time and feel their breath on your skin. You got this.

Wishes for my Baby Boy

MY BABY BOY

07/13/2014

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Skin to skin, our first moments were forever heart binding. I looked down at you through tears of joy and astonishment and thanked God for such a tiny miracle. Nine months I spent praying your arrival would include ten toes, ten fingers, smooth heart beats, and steady breaths. Every morning I would drive to work with one hand on my belly as I sang to you and gently tap you to the rhythm. I knew where you were toward the late months , but I took my best guess early on. You always responded to my serenades, even if you were only appeasing your dear old Mom.

I cried when you were quiet and laughed when you were playful. I worried often and needed constant reassurance that you were okay whether that be from family, friends, or physicians. Oh, and the ever trusted search engines of endless information. That usually didn't help Mom, too much....

I had so many prayers and wishes for you. I still do now and I always will. I hope you don't mind if I share them with you.....

I pray and wish that you see with beautiful colors, purity, and non-judgemental eyes; remember, son, you never know where someone has been, is now, or will end up. And let's face it, no one has time to spend in the "gray area" of life so we might as well go after the rainbows.

I pray and wish that you hear with patience, understanding, and reasoning. You will not always be right and you must learn to truly grasp the core of what is being presented to you by listening. When you have patience, you understand and when you understand, you can then reason. This, my baby boy, is listening.

I pray and wish that you feel with empathy, compassion, and appreciation. Don't be ashamed to befriend the underdog, cry when you see fit, or forget to enjoy the little things. Sunshine on our faces and air in our lungs are things we all tend to take for granted when it comes to the physicality of feeling; stop and be thankful for it.

I pray and wish that you grow up to be exactly what you dream of and that you do it because you love it. Money is important and money is great but money won't always bring sheer satisfaction. I would rather you be a happy poor man than a man that does work only for the green of it.

Never let anyone make you feel inferior or make you do anything you know is wrong. You are your own person and if you don't do the right thing,quite frankly,no one is going to do it for you.

When you can give, give but don't let anyone take you for granted.When you decide to love and truly love, do it with your whole heart. Don't give up on love or be afraid of it just because it may not work for you the first time. There is no such thing as a perfect person just the person that you still desire when the gloves come off, the river runs dry, and the true colors shine through. Make sure, dear boy, that when you offer your name to a worthy woman that she is the only thing that you see when you picture eternity. Cherish her, respect her, and make her your queen. Love....well love really does make the world go round. Remember that.

Right now, as I write this, you are young. Young enough to still yield to the innocence of this not-so-kind place that we live in yet the place that truly does posess so many special wonders and treasures. You will learn to speak, you will learn to walk, and you will learn to do all of the things that I wish and pray for your life. I will always kiss your boo-boo's, check for monsters under your bed, support you, tell you the truth, and above all...love you with all of my soul. You are my son, my first born, my buddy, my life. If only for a while, I will cherish the days I have right now where you are just a little boy that holds his mother's hand and won't let go.