The Logan Chronicles: Up-Sleeping

On today's episode of TLC,  I share my thoughts on my child's new ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  It's weird.

I think my kid is Narcoleptic.  I'm not 100% sure this is true,  but it has valuable supporting evidence. 

Last week I planned to go next door to visit my friend and had put my son to bed as normal.  I always check on him around,  oh, I'd say 765 times in a very short amount of time, but that night I didn't check him till right before I left the house.  When I crept up the stairs and into his room I could see the top of his head against the corner of the crib.  I found it to be very creepy at first and went further for a better look.

Yep,  there he was: sleeping sitting up against the crib.  Never in my most tired or drunken nights have I ever fallen asleep sitting up.  I suppose you could say I was impressed by this.

Since then,  he has fallen asleep sitting up a few times and it's very cute.  I also find it very odd and I'm like,  ummm is this OK?  I imagine it is,  but it's one of those first time Mom worries where you don't know what the hell is normal and what isn't. 

Either way,  I named these incidences,  " Up-Sleeping".  Don't get jealous of the originality,  now people,  I was born with this witty brain and I can't help it.

Anyway, today, the mother of all up-sleeps occurred.  I was doing my make up just in the next room where I can clearly see my son playing.  Seeing how we had to move all excess furniture ( i. e side tables and rocking chair)  to the other room due to him climbing it all,  there are little spaces of floor and wall on either end of the couch that he hangs out in. 

I heard him whine about something briefly and then it got real quiet.  That always scares me so I got up to  have a peep and found him up-sleeping ....against the wall.  He seriously looked like a drunk little old man that just couldn't make it home from the bar. 

So I think up-sleeping is better than no-sleeping,  right?  I am curious to see where he passes out next and what other new found  abilities we will see. 

 Maybe the ability to do the dishes and laundry?  Nah,  I ain't that lucky. 

The Logan Chronicles : Sleep is for Sissies

Today on The Logan Chronicles,  we discuss Logan's two-day strike against a nap before daycare.  If you have children,  you know or remember how much of a bitch it can be to get your little bugger to take a nap.  My son will literally do everything in his power to avoid giving into the sleep fairies even though most of the fight he puts up is when he's half asleep.

                   Exhibit  A: The Headstand

This move typically occurs when he is absolutely exhausted,  damn near passes out on my chest or crook of my arm (usually on the couch) ,  but then suddenly decides he has sick skills and jumps up to showcase his downward dog while moving his butt up and down.  Think of a drunk person trying to convince themselves they have it in them to dance to one more song or can totally still do a cartwheel or another shot. No...no you can't. Shhhhh, just go to sleep.  

Exhibit B: The Spin and Smile 

I work evenings in a hospital so the ole,  "sleep when the baby sleeps"  is something I attempt to do with my son whenever I'm able.  Once we settle down for a co-nap in Mom and Dad's  bed,  usually we are quick to enter dream land; in the above picture, however, Logan presented one of his other sleep avoidances known as the spin and smile. This pic was taken right after he spun around five times like a puppy, smushed his face into the pillow, and faked like he was sleeping for about 30 seconds. Then, like a jack in a box, he sprung up and smiled. Usually,  his eyes are shut when he does this one because he's so close to caving in to nigh nights.  I find this to be his odd way of trying to convince me he is way too cute to slumber.  Dude,  you are pretty friggin' cute,  but really???! 

There were other fillers in between Logan's antics that were not so cute.  He pulled his own hair,  threw his bottle,  and cried and screamed in protest. I,  too,  then pulled my own hair and cried.  Just take a friggin' nap!  

But then these two thoughts ran through my head: 1. I'd be pissed,  too,  if someone tried to make me nap, and 2. My son was having way more fun doing his headstands and his spin and smiles.  He simply wasn't feelin' a nap and even though there's reprocussions later in the day when he doesn't ( like he can get very grouchy. Duh. ) ,  my kid wanted to play with me instead. Being up and silly was making him happy and I only get a couple hours to play before we head to daycare and work. Not to mention very few years that he's going to even want to choose his Mom over other more exciting things. 

Wow,  did I just really conclude that at least I'm more fun than sleep?  Ehhh..... I don't know what to make of that.  Haha. Anywaaaayyy....    

So today I thank my son,  Logan Michael, for showing me that sometimes we need to say  screw the nap and bring on the toys.  We aren't promised tomorrow so let's have some fun today and sleep later:)  XOXO. 

How to Not be Annoying on Facebook

Ah, Facebook: The place to share all your shit. And I do mean ALL.

Yes, our main means of communication are via the internet and social sites these days, but come on, people! Falsifying your life and sharing your most private, and quite frankly, inappropriate drama, pics, or stories are not going to give you the attention you think it will. Negative attention is not really something we should strive for. I know I don't.

Now, of course, Facebook might be one of the only ways you might see your grandma in California or your 5th grade bestie that teaches Art History in France, so I get why we post pics of the fam or announce our latest achievements. That's what I feel like Facebook is for and I'm giving a big
 "Like" for that kind of stuff.  I am just saying let's be real about our lives at least a little bit because all the fakeness really isn't cool.

Here are some things I feel if we saw less of, our scrolling experience would be much more enjoyable:

The Drama McDramason:

"Nobody understands me and I hate my life," or ," He's such a good-for- nothing-piece-of-crap and me and my kids are better off and I don't know how I will afford my prescriptions now," or , " Well, guess they're foreclosing on my house and taking my car."

Yikes, dudes...friggin' yikes.

Yup, you've seen it, don't lie. The people that share very private and embarrassing things but clearly don't realize how it is perceived by others. Just stop. STOP. Everyone has drama in their lives and everyone has a history, however, not everyone has enough whiskey in their liquor cabinet to deal with your crap on top of their own. Seriously, it's stressful.

The Stipulation:  You're speaking of a universally hated subject like child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. By all means, post about how all of the above piss you off and make you sick because we are right there with ya.


The Drama McDramason Hater that is also a Drama McDramason:

The post goes a lil' something like this: " I can't stand all the drama I see on Facebook". Then, low and behold, a few days later, they are posting the most detailed, ranting and raving post about the guy that left you when you had your first baby at 15 which now caused you to have no money and so now you have to strip for a living and no one ever helps you. EVER.
Wait, what? Didn't you just say you can't stand seeing drama? Don't be so hypocritical. Really, I mean if you're gonna say something you despise and then turn around and do the same thing, well, you're not much better now, are you?

The Stipulation: If you're calling someone out on their drama ( which really you shouldn't unless it involves you because it's none of ya biz) and that's the end of it, then whatever. But...then that could start an online arguing match which is about as productive as trying to lick your elbows. Omg, did you really just try and lick your elbow? SMH.


The Overuser of Abbreviations:

We all use them as I just illustrated above, but saying your ROTFLMAO is a sheer lie. You have not fallen off your chair and are now rolling around on the floor laughing your ass off, Shhhhh, don't try and argue with me, you aren't doing that.. Half the time we say we are LOL we are sitting in total silence perhaps thinking how funny something is but not actually projecting laughter out loud. Think about it. When did we stop actually typing words out?! Scratch that, when did we stop speaking words and formulating sentences?? Oh that's right, when social media took over the world. Now it looks like this: " OMG, BRB, LML. SMH. LOL." I am pretty sure I have even seen people make up their own abbreviations as if the rest of us are going to know what the hell you even mean. Just say it...spell the word out and say it. I know you can do it!

The Stipulation: You're in middle school or maaaaaybe even High School,  Or eating chips and only have one hand to type your post, I guess I can empathize with that one.
.


The Play-By-Player:

Ya know, the people that post about every little thing they are doing at every blessed moment of the day? I went to pee. I made a bagel. I walked downstairs. I went to work. Work is good. I can't wait to get out of work. I am out of work, Just got home from work. Holy crap, seriously? I am giving an extremely slow clap for your very detailed, and fun-filled day...it was almost like I was right there with you. Chill it out, a little...make us wonder what you're doing for at least ten minutes. Trust me, we'll miss you.

The Stipulation: You're doing something insanely exciting and rare like bungee jumping off the Great Wall of China or climbing Mt.Everest. Then...then I want to know every emotion as you prepare to leap off a wall and fearfully face death and then I want to know every sight and step as you ascend to the summit of a notorious mountain. Only...then.


The Mean Foul Mouther: Dude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? Some swearing can give emphasis to a post or sometimes even make something funnier, but saying racist or homophobic things or acting like your some badass because you threaten people over the internet is lame and makes you look weak. If you have something to say to someone or if you have that much hatred then you should probably go to the source and check yourself into therapy. Sorry.

The Stipulation: There isn't one. Be nice.

The Mystery Poster:

This one irks me the most, let me just tell you. I have actually posted about this on my own Facebook page before. The person that posts very vague posts simply to lure you in so you ask specific questions thus triggering their desired response and attention. It goes like any of these:
" I just heard the news today. So sad." or, "Heartbroken."or, " I can't believe it."or, "Never been so happy in my whole life!!"or " Looks like things are gonna go my way." Really? REALLY?? What is so sad? Why are you heartbroken? What is making you so happy? What is finally going your way? I mean what!  WHAT is it, my God just say it before I gauge my own eyeballs out!!!!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I wouldn't do that but it truly is frustrating because it is painfully obvious what you seek out of a post like that. You want people to ask you what's going on when you can just say it to begin with and we can all be like, " Oh, congrats" or tell you we're sorry to hear it or something like that. Just be up front and SAY IT!! Grrrr.

The Stipulation:  Your phone, tablet, or computer dies and you weren't able to type the rest of the sentence thus explaining any of the above.


The Perfect Lifer:

Bought a new yacht today, did ya? Does it match your Maserati and fit in your boat slip out side of your island home? Wow, that is just fabulous. Or the friggin, #LML and Hearts because I bathe in puppies and poop rainbows made of happiness and glitter. Look if you work hard for the things you have then great, but please, for the love of God, do not sit here and pretend that your life is perfect just because of money or pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. I am NOT saying not to be proud of things and I am NOT saying that we shouldn't appreciate what we have, but naturally triggering others to compare themselves to a falsified situation is kind of shitty. Sharing a materialistic life online is far different then sharing a life online you just simply love. Talking about a family day at the beach is a beautiful thing, saying how you and your family just ate at the most expensive restaurant on the beach and are now staying in a five star resort is not. It's purposely mentioned to have others envy you and feel bad about themselves in one way or another which indicates you're not as happy deep down as you claim to be. If you were, well...you wouldn't have to do that.

The Stipulation: People that have overcome a struggle or work very hard for the things they have but don't feel like that's all that matters in life. No one cares about your $90 dollar steak, I could buy a ton of steaks at the grocery store for that. I'm not being a hater contrary to what some may think, I'm just calling out the facade in which some hide behind. We see it.


The Laundry Airer Outter:

This one is pretty similar to the Drama McDramason folk except instead of it making you roll your eyes, it makes you cringe and raise your eyebrows asking, " Did they really just post that?" I'm talking the people revealing their drug addictions and their spouses cheating and their children needing therapy and the fact that they want to kill themselves on a daily basis. Like, whoa. WHOA. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, sometimes it can make you angry at people and sometimes you just don't know what to say or think. Kinda leaves us all whistling as we slowly look around while backing away and out of the room like Peter Griffin would do on Family Guy, Shit just got realllll awkward.

The Stipulation:  Sometimes I feel like people post certain things as a cry for help and while we all mostly ignore these awkward confessions and feelings, a simple private message could potentially go a long way in a time of need.

The I-Love-Myselfer: This one is simple: they post 245,558 pictures of themselves in various selfie positions where we can clearly see their arm extended in the front and all the poses look the same. Their albums consist of one thing: themselves. Their posts consist of places like the gym, mall, and bedroom with one important person: themselves. We get it, you like you.

The Stipulation:  If you have lost a lot of weight or have finally come out of your shell and like the way you look when you never have before or something. I can get that. But jeez, just because you're pretty or handsome doesn't mean we need to see every possible face you can make or eye shadow color you have in your make-up bag. Take a pic of your ankle or something for once.

So this has been an official observation by me on how to not be so annoying on Facebook. Chances are, we know most of the people on our Facebook page ( or used to) in real life so to see people put on a show can be a little frustrating and even disheartening at times.

 The hard truth is that people can post whatever they want on their own page and if you don't like it, don't read it and blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah I get it. I'm sure I have even been guilty of some of the above at times, but this is just a friendly suggestion to the people that will now probably delete me from their Facebook. Haha.
 I'm just saying, let's all kick it old school and go out for coffee or drinks and use real life to air our dirty laundry, be dramatic, and brag about the things our other friends don't have and leave if off of Facebook.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to be dramatic in person :D

END RANT ;)

Dealing with Food Addiction-The Struggle is Real

My name is Lauren, and I'm a food-a-holic.
 Whew. Thank God I got that off my chest, it's been EATING away at me for some time now. Haha.

 
Yeah, anyway. All lame jokes aside, I really do have an issue with food. I'm not an overweight woman but I am not a 110 pound woman either. Kinda lost in that weird fifth dimension of whether I'm considered a skinny person or not. I like to call it The Thigh-Light Zone. Ba dum chhhh.

 But really, I have struggled with dieting and exercise for a very, very long time. It's my kangaroo pouch that I can't seem to get rid of, the rest of me I am ok with. The good news is that I usually keep trying one way or another, but the bad news is that I have yet to see the results I want. I know, I'm obviously not trying as hard as I could. It's hella hard for me to give up the salty foods and the fried foods and the dips and the chips even though I know they are doing nothing for my health or waistline. It's truly like I'm a drug addict that feels guilty about using once I am done eating bad food. I mean, do I need some sort of intervention?

 So as if the things I crave aren't bad enough, I over eat. Yup, overeating is the real demon in the situation. It doesn't matter if I am full or not, either, if there is something out on the table or in the breakroom at work that I enjoy, I eat it. It's almost as if I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't take one of those cookies or have seconds of the mashed potatoes. I suppose this is all a prime example of stress eating, or binge eating, or eating your real feelings or some shit like that, but, whatever it is....the struggle is real.

 So let's examine whether some of the reasons for food addiction would solve or not solve the issue at hand:


 1. Stress Eating: Now why the HELL would someone turn to food when they are stressed out?? Especially if they are stressed out about being overweight or being unhealthy? I suppose the euphoria of a twinkie high or a carb fest would be a quick fix depending on the reason for stress, but at the end of it all...there's quite a bit of irony in the situation! It's like, I eat too many bad things which gives me zero energy to go to the gym. I'm going to sit here and eat this candy bar instead of taking that bike ride. What? I don't get it. If your stressed, try reading a book, or sitting outside, or dancing to some sweet tunes and shaking it off. There's always flicking the person that is stressing you out right in between the eyes or having a stiff drink. I'm just sayin' it could help, I ain't sayin' it's right. Don't judge me.


 2. Binge Eating: Well, if binge eating is anything like binge drinking, and I suspect it is, I can see how this one can make a little sense. You eat well all week, you go for walks, you hit the gym and pump some iron....so screw it! Come Friday, it's the friggin' weekend and I'm gonna have me some cake, pie, and fries! Cheat day, ya'll!! Oh and a big ass, calorie-infested martini. Shit, I can binge eat AND binge drink at the same time!! Now THAT is talent, folks. I totally believe if your going to diet, you should have cheat days or it will result in an epic fail. Maybe try cheating at one out of the three meals instead of all of them? At least that way you get a little satisfaction without completely feeling like you've lost the battle to Captain Cholesterol and Sargent Sugar Pants.

 3. Eating Your Real Feelings: Now, I don't know about this one. I guess you can cover up how depressed you are by eating something comforting, but what about other feelings and emotions? I can tell you right now, if I'm angry? I'm not about to stuff a cheeseburger down my throat with a side of onion rings to deal with it. Can you imagine a pissed off person at a red light next to you screaming at someone on their cell phone while they pop skittles into their mouth or wolf down a foot long?
 " Screw you, A-Hole! I gotta whole bag of candy and some pork, I'm a mad woman!!!!" Bah! that'd be hilarious, though, I'm just sayin'.

 So look, food addiction is real and so is laziness. Yes, we are all busy with work, or school, the kids, or whatnot; but the motto I have been trying repeatedly to live by is if not now, when? Seriously, when are we ( yes, WE, myself included) going to get it together and choose the salad over the chicken fingers ( Mmmm, my fave) and the walk over the nap and the gym over the happy hour? Whoa...well I don't know about skipping the happy hour, but I mean if we don't dedicate ourselves to being healthy and getting to look the way we want to now, then when the hell will we? We won't. It's hard, and I'm here to tell you I'm with ya. I get it. All we can do is keep trying and know that we aren't alone in the food struggle and lazy coma, there are others out there. Tomorrow is a new day. For now...I shall sit and eat my Whoppers in peace as I picture myself by next summer in a tiny, little bikini and a wash board stomach..... It'll happen. Right??.......

Cray Cray Toddler Status

Holy shit.
The toddler phase has commenced.

I love my barely one -year -old son more than anything in this world but, dude, he has recently started to become a little bit of a crazy animal. I know, I know...all kids are crazy animals but I am a new mom and I didn't know they started tantrums and testing your patience quite this early.

We started out this windy ass Sunday by heading to Walmart to get some groceries and a couple other tid bits ( including diapers...9 dollar a bag diapers...Jesus). My son was behaving pretty well minus him deciding he was too cool to sit with his feet through the cart. He just had to sit sideways with one arm up like a grown man watching sports on the couch would do. He was safe and not trying to jump out so we let him do it, whatever. We strolled down several aisles both getting things we needed and checking out things we want to get at some point in the future ( like a really badass, giant TV) when the whining started. No big deal, I gave him a snack and he was happy like he usually is. Low and behold, he began to showcase his crooked smile indicating he was about to do something he shouldn't do, looked me directly in the eyes and threw his snack on the floor.  Immediately following the suicide of the snack, my little guy let out an ever popular, "uh-oh".  Exhibit A of the above noted "trying your patience" bit right there. He knew it was wrong and he knew I wouldn't like it but he wanted to see if he could get away with it. I told him no and not to throw his snacks and took them away for the remainder of the shopping trip. Cue crying.

Once we got home, my husband and I did some couch lounging while browsing on our electronic devices and getting down on the floor and playing with the baby. I decided to push him around on his little toy train as he giggled with glee while we did several laps around the living room. Once mommy was out of breath and decided to stop, his mouth opened wide, his eyes shut and the silent cry before the loud cry took over his face. I felt bad but jeez, buddy, mommy was sweating! We then proceeded to play peek a boo and tickle monster and other silly games all of which he had a zero tolerance for stopping them without crying in disappointment. He would have, indeed, stayed happy if I would have continuously entertained him!

The rest if the day was just a further affirmation that my little man is on his way to getting into absolutely everything regardless of whether he could get hurt or whether something could get ruined or broken. Turning my back for one moment or not being within his reach allowed him to grab and toss my iPad and cell phone, pull and bend the curtain rod ( luckily we could bend it back!), and let's not mention the 700 trips on and off the couch to try and sneak a sip or a grab of my seltzer water. The part I find the hardest is that even though you have to tell your kids no and you need to redirect them away from doing things they shouldn't, they are so friggin cute that it makes it hard to stay upset for long!

Oye.

It's that time of empty bottles being thrown, food being spit out, and Cheerios ending up in your hair, that is for certain. I knew these days were coming, but I think all you can really do is buckle up for the ride!!