Sunday, January 11, 2015

Signs You're Old

Old.  What the hell is old?  To a teenager or person in their early twenties,  early thirties are old.  To people in their early thirties and up,  typically old means,  like 90's.

So when I talk about my discovery of signs that you're now old,  I'm merely referring to being older than whatever age or age bracket that last made you feel young.'re older than that.

Here's a few reasons how ya know:

1. You're tired:

I'm talking wiped the F out.  You worked all week and can't decide on going to a sick concert or going to bed on a Friday night?  Ummm...old. Old AND lame so kudos for the double whammy there.

2. Your eyelids:

When your applying eyeshadow and the skin on your eyelid moves around instead of being firm and taut?  Yep.  On your way to Oldsville.

3. Crows Feet:

I remember one time not long ago,  I was plucking my eyebrows.  There were a few stubborn bastids at the lower end of my brows that I just couldn't grab.  I'm like wtf,  why can't I pluck you?? Ohhhh that's right,  it wasn't was wrinkles. I ended up with bloody pock marks and a state of depression.  Old.

4. Ya can't tell how old people are:

Wtf.  Kids that are in college look like they're eleven. Seriously.  I was just watching a segment on TV about rival college football teams and they had these cute little cheerleaders and players smiling away and throwing up the #1 finger sign.  Yeah.  Then you turn into the #1 creeper when you realize you shouldn't think the 20-year-old quarterback is cute. I just thought he was a young looking 30-year-old. Awkward.  Oh.....and old.

5. You get excited about old people shit:

Yesssssssss!!!  The vacuum I wanted is on friggin sale,  bingo's goin' down tonight and zip lock baggies are two for one?!  Holllllaaaaaaa!!  Like for real,  some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You may have set out for a pair of heels (in case you have a date night in the next ten years) but instead you come home with a coat rack and a welcome mat.  Congrats,  you won the old as shit lottery. 

6. You consider late early:

Remember when you didn't go out until 11:30 and you stayed up till 5 then worked the next day?  Yeahhhhhhh about that.  Now your ass needs to be in bed by 9:30 so you can soak the corns on your feet and exfoliate the old off your face.  I keep thinking I can recover from staying out late the night before but let's be real.  Nope.  Old.

7. Music :

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're never too old for the tunes you love.  Rap,  hip hop, R&B,  rock...whatever it is,  I believe you should always rock the shit out of it.  It just becomes weird when people half your age know the same tunage. This may actually be one of the only instances where you feel old but in actuality you hold the front runner torch.  Young ones?  Stand back,  watch,  and learn.  Mama knew about this shit waaaaaaaay before the gangnam style. Old?  Neverrrrrrrrr.

Look, we define what's old and what isn't at the end of the day but we can't deny the social acceptance of what "they"  say is old. It's always about" THEY".

Between social media and our kids or friend's kids,  time changes us. It's inevitable.
In my opinion, though, just go with it and embrace when we have the ability to say people are just " too young"  and when we are what we all ultimately deny in life: getting old.  Old ain't nothing but a state of mind,  anyway,  right?? 

Yup.  That's what I choose to believe. Who's with me?

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Year's Hope-A-Lutions

Jeez,  I've been slacking on the blogging! 

The holidays have been busy as well as me trying to finalize my applications for nursing school.  Crazzzzzy.

Anywayyyyy.... I have decided to call all the plans I have for the New Year "hope-a-lutions" because they are things I hope to do.  I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I always follow through on every plan I have each year because that would be straight bullshit.  I will say, however,  that I always keep trying and always will. 

Without further a do ( is that how you spell that?),  here are my 2015 vows..... 

1. Be Happy: I have to stop worrying so much, it's an exhausting way to live. Gotta tell aggravation and pissy moments to piss off and just smile more. 
Shit,  that reminds me I should probably make a dentist appointment, also. 

2. Lose weight: ehhh, 45 lbs or so? Once again,  I want to be bathing suit ready for summer. Oh and have implants and a tan by then,  too.  No big deal.

3. Eat right: I am NOT going to never have chicken fingers again,  I'm just saying better choices are in order because ya can't always pick the burger over the salad. Well,  you can't always pick the salad over the burger either,  but you get it. 

4. Exercise: I really, really want to be active and enjoy it but typically,  I do not.  I hope to find something I can do that will get me and keep me in shape.  I don't like feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack on the elliptical.  Real downer.

5. Drink less: I love beer and beer loves me.  It likes to sit in my belly and splash around like a joyous little child playing in the bathtub.  It loves me so much,  in fact that it invites its' friends to come hang out... six of them...for a partaaay. Well,  I'm here to tell ya it doesn't take that many beers to bloat you up and stick to your insides. Gotta have less beer parties.

6. Get it done: I like naps and I would choose chillin' over cleanin' any damn day.  It is no question that I need to just get whatever I need done completed instead of saying I'll do it later. 

7. Accept who your friends are: It's sad,  but true,  that over time people you claim to be friends with just aren't anymore.  I'm not talking about the friends you can't seem to coordinate time with simply due to life,  family,  work etc.  That's just the way it goes sometimes.  I'm talking about people that don't bend for you the way you bend for them or people that only want you around when their bored or find you boring if your not bar hopping till 4 am.  Some friends will always be there,  other times you need to find new ones. 

8. Fight Less: My Husband can be a giant D as much as I can be a giant B but we bicker over some dumb shit.  It's annoying and I would love to save my breath for something worth fighting about.  Like what's for friggin' dinner,  for example. 

9. Live in the NOW: I have a bad habit of thinking,  " what if" way too often and fearing an outcome or situation that hasn't even happened.  One moment at a time is the attitude I'm going to try and adopt because,  really,  all we have is right now.

10. Get into nursing school: Yes,  it must happen before I'm 97 years old.

11.  Follow through : I hope to follow through on these hope-a-lutions and set a good example for myself for next year. 

We all know we shouldn't need a new year just to be who we want to be or do what we want to do,  but I do plan to make 2015 a great year all year long.  I hope all my friends and family do the same but if not,  I'll have the beer and shitty food ready!!


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

When Your Little One is Feeling like Poop

What else is worse than your child being sick?

I know having a toenail rip off or walking into a glass door are pretty bad,  too,  but having a sick child is one of those situations that trigger multiple emotions at once.  It's pretty overwhelming. 

My son started feeling under the weather on Saturday with a congested cough, but he ALSO has had two back molar teeth ripping through at the same time so the combination of that and whatever else he was fighting has sucked immensely. Yesterday was when the insanity really started and he just screamed and cried all day and night when he finally fell asleep after midnight.  Today he is still not feeling well.

I've learned that parents deal with a lot,  too,  during this time.  We go through an array of the following that often,  and rightfully so, take a backseat to your child/children feeling like poop:

It's extremely devastating to see those sad,  puffy little eyes looking up at you thus confirming how sick they really are.  Sure,  as an adult we just stick a straw in some Nyquil and tell everyone to leave us the HELL alone, but kids can't do that.  They expect their parents to know what to do and when you can't console them it makes you feel like an epic failure. Hugs and kisses...gotta give lots of those!

OK,  we are human.  After an entire day and night or more,  hearing your little one scream constantly can get a little tiring.  OK a lot tiring.  OK you contemplate sticking a fork in your own head because at this point your just done, but I'm here to tell you that isn't abnormal.  I don't think it is anyway.  There have been times during this stint of sickness that I had to stop and cry a little myself because I just couldn't make him happy.  Frustrating,  yes....yes it is.

What I mean is,  when your kid finally takes some Tylenol or eats/drinks something you do a really bad ass happy dance while clapping and saying, "Yayyyyyyyy!" 
The best is when they start smiling and playing again.  My son had Hand Foot and Mouth about five months ago and it was awful.  Just a miserable,  fevered up boy that wouldn't smile or leave your lap.  Once he started feeling better and was able to crack a little toothed smile,  Mommy was able to take a shower and he was able to run around again causing ruckous.  It was glorious!

Anger....toward your spouse :
After taking care of a sick little one all day,  the last friggin thing one needs is to argue with their significant other just because.  Your a little more on edge than usual and it's easy to take it out on each other out of frustration.  So take the task of caring for the sick babe,  split it 50/50 and high five each other along the way because your doing the best you can.  Sneak a kiss or a hug in there for good measure.  Or slap each other around a little bit,  either way.  You'll get your point across.

So kids have it rough when their sick and their healing and well being is the top priority,  but don't forget to acknowledge your own sanity and know it's ok to lose your shit a little bit.  By lose your shit I mean it's cool to walk away,  take a deep breath and go back and hug your little one. It's frustrating for all involved but your not alone and your little one will be playing with your cell phone and ripping the blinds down in no time!!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Why Our Period Makes Us Bitches: A Man's Guide to Understanding

I would imagine that any straight man that has ever interacted in any way,  shape, or form with a woman knows one thing for sure: leave us the HELL alone when we are about to have, or have, our period!!!!

Like,  what don't you get?  Shut.  UPPPPP. Go aaaaaaaaaway.

Look, I've even made a guide for you men that don't have to deal with the hormonal depths of the devil's den once a month. 

Read it.  Read the SHIT out of it,  actually, and maybe you will understand why we are the bitches you say we are.  Nah,  you still won't get it but at least give it a whirl and pretend you sympathize and get me a friggggggin cookie while your at it!!


Imagine your insides for a moment.  Now imagine them being squeezed,  rubbed,  shanked with a pocket knife,  and kicked with steel toed shoes.  While all that is happening,  throw in low back pain and the constant confusion of whether you have to go poop or whether it's just the menstrual cramps. Mmhmm, yup I Just said that.

Picture wanting to kick people in the head for smiling at you,  sobbing over the fact that your shirt is wrinkled and knowing your being a total freak show and can't do a damn thing about it.  Sure,  you try to regroup and take deep breaths and head to the nearest psych unit, but you just can't stop the madness.  It encompasses you and overrides your happy thoughts and no,  DUDES,  it is not something we can just stop doing. We can just stop acting crazy about as much as you can stop thinking with your wangs 95% of the time,  OK???!!

Dude,  I don't care if I have asked you 700 times,  if I need you to walk behind me and check the back of my pants then you suck it up and DO IT!!! 
The average human body houses roughly 4-7 liters of blood.  I am pretty effing certain about 6 liters pour outta there every month based on the amount of cotton ponies I go through in a day's time. 
Then there's the times I have to throw underwear away (because sometimes you just can't save 'em) and replace them with the sexiness of granny panties. Oh and who can forget when you start your flow and you had NO clue it was coming!!  Fun times. Suddenly, your stuck making toilet paper missles or awkward boats,  if you will,  to catch the flow of the Red Sea until you can hit up a drug store. Don't even get me started about the day we decide to wear white....

Seeing how the things a woman endures during her cycle are very similar to pregnancy,  we get friggin hungry even when we are full.  Um,  does it look like I care that we just ate dinner?  No?  Good because I don't.  Chips,  dips,  sandwiches,  chocolate... GOD,  the CHOCOLATE....popcorn, whatevs! I am on it!!!  Yes,  we realize we are ravenous pigs and no, not one bloated ounce of me gives a shit. 

Revert back to my description of cramps; would you want to do anything other than sleep with that kind of pain going on??  Nope.  Having your period wipes you out!  It makes your blood thinner,  it hurts,  it makes your brain need more rest because your hormones are raging and we need sleep to rejuvenate!  So gimme a heating pad and a blanket,  I'll see ya in three.

Spandex.  We just love to not fit into our pants and put on elasticized pants instead.  Yup.  As if my kangaroo pouch wasn't bad enough I gotta worry about extra expansion to thus further confirm I'm disgusting.  You know, since bleeding like a sacrificial pig didn't make us women feel gross enough coupled with the amount of food we ingest. 

So yeah,  just hearing someone talk pisses us off or a commercial makes us cry when we have our period in addition to severe pain and bloating and being a nut job.  I'm sorry,  but you men will never understand.  You say you could handle it,  just like you claim you could handle childbirth, but we ladies just chuckle to ourselves.

You say having our period is no excuse to be bitchy and over emotional but I'm here to tell ya.....oh yes it does!!  So if you're the kind of man that is super sympathetic and sweet to your gal during her visit with Aunt Flow then keep up the good work. If your one of those men that questions the how and the why and is an ass about our behavior thus being an even FURTHUR annoyance,  just stop and shut up.

Seriously,  just don't do it.  Shhhhh.  Do. Not. Be. A. Dick.

Just pretend our behavior is normal  and put up with us for the 5-7 days. If your wife threatens a divorce unless you go out into the blizzard and get her a pizza,  by God just suit up and go. Really,  we know it's a huge request but will probably cry or throw something at you if you don't go.

I would sum up our bitch ability and just say the word HORMONES but figured spelling it all out is a way better idea. So be nice guys,  and pretend this all makes sense!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Parenting Rules I find to be Crap

Do you ever wonder if your doing things right as a parent? Like, should your child be at a different milestone or should they be doing, or NOT doing, this or that by now? I think that often, but I do my very best to tell myself to cut the shit because my son is my son and nobody else's. He is an individual and I don't know about you, but I despise people that try and tell you how to parent and buy into all these timelines of when kids should stop this and start that.

Here are what I find to be somewhat myths to parenting and why you, if you worry like me, should say screw the "scientific research studies":

I breastfed for 7 and a half months and I don't regret a single moment of it. I wholeheartedly believe in its benefits and support anyone who does it and I would certainly do it again. I don't think, however, that someone should be put down if they decide against it or can't do it for long. Maybe there is a medical reason or maybe they just can't produce enough. It happens! If you can breastfeed, I say do it as long as you can, but if you can't, don't totally beat yourself up over it. As long as your baby is thriving and healthy I mean ,come on, what else matters??
I also hate the breastfeeding myth that if you nurse too often, or nurse your baby to sleep, they will forever need you to fall asleep. No. Yes it was hard. and will be for most, to wean off of the breast but it can and will be done. It's a comfort and a special bond between a mom and her baby so shut up, critics, and simmer the hell down!

Ferber Method-Crying it Out:
Oh your baby will never learn to self soothe unless you let them cry for four F'ing hours to the point that snot is running down their face, they are banging their head against the crib, and terrified. Yeah, no. I'm sorry but the cry it out method is not for me. If my son is being a little jerk and throwing a tantrum over nothing, then that's one thing but when it comes to sleep I don't believe that it's all that beneficial.
Look, as a parent, you know that you are not neglecting your child when you lie them down at night but they don't know that. I am not saying not to let them cry for a while because chances are they will fall asleep, but if I have to go in and pick up my son to tell him it's ok, then I will. Sometimes rubbing their back, bringing them out to the couch while you finish a movie or to lying in bed with you is all the comfort they need to sleep soundly and other times they will do just fine in their crib. It just depends on the day for my son and if he needs me a little more one day then another, I don't find it all that big of a deal.

That leads me to....

I personally have been hyper aware of my sons' presence since day one. I wasn't too keen on bringing him into bed with us because I was nervous we would roll over on him, of course, but I found it to be quite the opposite. I knew every breath, every movement and every mid-sleep smile my son made and still do. Now just like crying it out, some experts say that co-sleeping won't allow your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. Yeah, they're probably right. Your kid will definitely still be sleeping with you when they are 17. Come on, people!! Yes, you should teach your child to sleep in their own crib/bed but if they don't, so what?!  You can always put them to bed alone after they fall asleep. Sure, Mom and Dad don't cuddle as much but hey.......

Kids don't always nap and they change the times of those naps and stop trying so hard!!!! Napping is uber important but sometimes it just ain't gonna happen at noon everyday or when you want it to. Relax, leave at least one eyeball in the socket when you feel like gauging them out and try again in a
little bit.

My son is a very picky eater which is weird because my husband and I are not! No wait, it's not weird because, I'll say it again, my son is an individual. He wants certain things right now and unfortunately it isn't always the healthy stuff we want him to have. At this point, we give him what he will eat and make it as nutritious as we can. If he won't eat his chicken, we know he will have calcium rich yogurt, if he won't eat his Mac and cheese we know he will eat some protein packed peanut butter and jelly. Ok the jelly isn't perfect and not all kids are ready or able to have peanut butter ,but you catch my drift.

So all I am trying to say here is that every kid is different and they will learn at their own pace. I realized that I wasn't truly worried deep down about any of the above, I was worried because I thought it was I was supposed to do. I read countless articles about parenting and compared my son to their rules and guidelines and wondered if it was ok that we were doing certain things. Well I say
screw it. Whatever makes the parent and the child happy and comfortable in unison is probably the right thing to do.

I say, stop worrying because that's what others want you to do and waste your time worrying when you really need to. Easier said then done, but I plan to give it a whirl!

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Logan Chronicles: Up-Sleeping

On today's episode of TLC,  I share my thoughts on my child's new ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  It's weird.

I think my kid is Narcoleptic.  I'm not 100% sure this is true,  but it has valuable supporting evidence. 

Last week I planned to go next door to visit my friend and had put my son to bed as normal.  I always check on him around,  oh, I'd say 765 times in a very short amount of time, but that night I didn't check him till right before I left the house.  When I crept up the stairs and into his room I could see the top of his head against the corner of the crib.  I found it to be very creepy at first and went further for a better look.

Yep,  there he was: sleeping sitting up against the crib.  Never in my most tired or drunken nights have I ever fallen asleep sitting up.  I suppose you could say I was impressed by this.

Since then,  he has fallen asleep sitting up a few times and it's very cute.  I also find it very odd and I'm like,  ummm is this OK?  I imagine it is,  but it's one of those first time Mom worries where you don't know what the hell is normal and what isn't. 

Either way,  I named these incidences,  " Up-Sleeping".  Don't get jealous of the originality,  now people,  I was born with this witty brain and I can't help it.

Anyway, today, the mother of all up-sleeps occurred.  I was doing my make up just in the next room where I can clearly see my son playing.  Seeing how we had to move all excess furniture ( i. e side tables and rocking chair)  to the other room due to him climbing it all,  there are little spaces of floor and wall on either end of the couch that he hangs out in. 

I heard him whine about something briefly and then it got real quiet.  That always scares me so I got up to  have a peep and found him up-sleeping ....against the wall.  He seriously looked like a drunk little old man that just couldn't make it home from the bar. 

So I think up-sleeping is better than no-sleeping,  right?  I am curious to see where he passes out next and what other new found  abilities we will see. 

 Maybe the ability to do the dishes and laundry?  Nah,  I ain't that lucky.