Monday, December 22, 2014

Why Our Period Makes Us Bitches: A Man's Guide to Understanding

I would imagine that any straight man that has ever interacted in any way,  shape, or form with a woman knows one thing for sure: leave us the HELL alone when we are about to have, or have, our period!!!!

Like,  what don't you get?  Shut.  UPPPPP. Go aaaaaaaaaway.

Look, I've even made a guide for you men that don't have to deal with the hormonal depths of the devil's den once a month. 

Read it.  Read the SHIT out of it,  actually, and maybe you will understand why we are the bitches you say we are.  Nah,  you still won't get it but at least give it a whirl and pretend you sympathize and get me a friggggggin cookie while your at it!!

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!


CRAMPS:
Imagine your insides for a moment.  Now imagine them being squeezed,  rubbed,  shanked with a pocket knife,  and kicked with steel toed shoes.  While all that is happening,  throw in low back pain and the constant confusion of whether you have to go poop or whether it's just the menstrual cramps. Mmhmm, yup I Just said that.

MOOD SWINGS:
Picture wanting to kick people in the head for smiling at you,  sobbing over the fact that your shirt is wrinkled and knowing your being a total freak show and can't do a damn thing about it.  Sure,  you try to regroup and take deep breaths and head to the nearest psych unit, but you just can't stop the madness.  It encompasses you and overrides your happy thoughts and no,  DUDES,  it is not something we can just stop doing. We can just stop acting crazy about as much as you can stop thinking with your wangs 95% of the time,  OK???!!

THE FLOW:
Dude,  I don't care if I have asked you 700 times,  if I need you to walk behind me and check the back of my pants then you suck it up and DO IT!!! 
The average human body houses roughly 4-7 liters of blood.  I am pretty effing certain about 6 liters pour outta there every month based on the amount of cotton ponies I go through in a day's time. 
Then there's the times I have to throw underwear away (because sometimes you just can't save 'em) and replace them with the sexiness of granny panties. Oh and who can forget when you start your flow and you had NO clue it was coming!!  Fun times. Suddenly, your stuck making toilet paper missles or awkward boats,  if you will,  to catch the flow of the Red Sea until you can hit up a drug store. Don't even get me started about the day we decide to wear white....

HUNGER:
Seeing how the things a woman endures during her cycle are very similar to pregnancy,  we get friggin hungry even when we are full.  Um,  does it look like I care that we just ate dinner?  No?  Good because I don't.  Chips,  dips,  sandwiches,  chocolate... GOD,  the CHOCOLATE....popcorn, whatevs! I am on it!!!  Yes,  we realize we are ravenous pigs and no, not one bloated ounce of me gives a shit. 

SLEEP:
Revert back to my description of cramps; would you want to do anything other than sleep with that kind of pain going on??  Nope.  Having your period wipes you out!  It makes your blood thinner,  it hurts,  it makes your brain need more rest because your hormones are raging and we need sleep to rejuvenate!  So gimme a heating pad and a blanket,  I'll see ya in three.

BLOATING:
Spandex.  We just love to not fit into our pants and put on elasticized pants instead.  Yup.  As if my kangaroo pouch wasn't bad enough I gotta worry about extra expansion to thus further confirm I'm disgusting.  You know, since bleeding like a sacrificial pig didn't make us women feel gross enough coupled with the amount of food we ingest. 


So yeah,  just hearing someone talk pisses us off or a commercial makes us cry when we have our period in addition to severe pain and bloating and being a nut job.  I'm sorry,  but you men will never understand.  You say you could handle it,  just like you claim you could handle childbirth, but we ladies just chuckle to ourselves.


You say having our period is no excuse to be bitchy and over emotional but I'm here to tell ya.....oh yes it does!!  So if you're the kind of man that is super sympathetic and sweet to your gal during her visit with Aunt Flow then keep up the good work. If your one of those men that questions the how and the why and is an ass about our behavior thus being an even FURTHUR annoyance,  just stop and shut up.

Seriously,  just don't do it.  Shhhhh.  Do. Not. Be. A. Dick.

Just pretend our behavior is normal  and put up with us for the 5-7 days. If your wife threatens a divorce unless you go out into the blizzard and get her a pizza,  by God just suit up and go. Really,  we know it's a huge request but will probably cry or throw something at you if you don't go.

I would sum up our bitch ability and just say the word HORMONES but figured spelling it all out is a way better idea. So be nice guys,  and pretend this all makes sense!

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