New Year's Hope-A-Lutions

Jeez,  I've been slacking on the blogging! 

The holidays have been busy as well as me trying to finalize my applications for nursing school.  Crazzzzzy.

Anywayyyyy.... I have decided to call all the plans I have for the New Year "hope-a-lutions" because they are things I hope to do.  I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I always follow through on every plan I have each year because that would be straight bullshit.  I will say, however,  that I always keep trying and always will. 

Without further a do ( is that how you spell that?),  here are my 2015 vows..... 

1. Be Happy: I have to stop worrying so much, it's an exhausting way to live. Gotta tell aggravation and pissy moments to piss off and just smile more. 
Shit,  that reminds me I should probably make a dentist appointment, also. 

2. Lose weight: ehhh, 45 lbs or so? Once again,  I want to be bathing suit ready for summer. Oh and have implants and a tan by then,  too.  No big deal.

3. Eat right: I am NOT going to never have chicken fingers again,  I'm just saying better choices are in order because ya can't always pick the burger over the salad. Well,  you can't always pick the salad over the burger either,  but you get it. 

4. Exercise: I really, really want to be active and enjoy it but typically,  I do not.  I hope to find something I can do that will get me and keep me in shape.  I don't like feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack on the elliptical.  Real downer.

5. Drink less: I love beer and beer loves me.  It likes to sit in my belly and splash around like a joyous little child playing in the bathtub.  It loves me so much,  in fact that it invites its' friends to come hang out... six of them...for a partaaay. Well,  I'm here to tell ya it doesn't take that many beers to bloat you up and stick to your insides. Gotta have less beer parties.

6. Get it done: I like naps and I would choose chillin' over cleanin' any damn day.  It is no question that I need to just get whatever I need done completed instead of saying I'll do it later. 

7. Accept who your friends are: It's sad,  but true,  that over time people you claim to be friends with just aren't anymore.  I'm not talking about the friends you can't seem to coordinate time with simply due to life,  family,  work etc.  That's just the way it goes sometimes.  I'm talking about people that don't bend for you the way you bend for them or people that only want you around when their bored or find you boring if your not bar hopping till 4 am.  Some friends will always be there,  other times you need to find new ones. 

8. Fight Less: My Husband can be a giant D as much as I can be a giant B but we bicker over some dumb shit.  It's annoying and I would love to save my breath for something worth fighting about.  Like what's for friggin' dinner,  for example. 

9. Live in the NOW: I have a bad habit of thinking,  " what if" way too often and fearing an outcome or situation that hasn't even happened.  One moment at a time is the attitude I'm going to try and adopt because,  really,  all we have is right now.

10. Get into nursing school: Yes,  it must happen before I'm 97 years old.

11.  Follow through : I hope to follow through on these hope-a-lutions and set a good example for myself for next year. 

We all know we shouldn't need a new year just to be who we want to be or do what we want to do,  but I do plan to make 2015 a great year all year long.  I hope all my friends and family do the same but if not,  I'll have the beer and shitty food ready!!

CHEERS!

When Your Little One is Feeling like Poop

What else is worse than your child being sick?

I know having a toenail rip off or walking into a glass door are pretty bad,  too,  but having a sick child is one of those situations that trigger multiple emotions at once.  It's pretty overwhelming. 

My son started feeling under the weather on Saturday with a congested cough, but he ALSO has had two back molar teeth ripping through at the same time so the combination of that and whatever else he was fighting has sucked immensely. Yesterday was when the insanity really started and he just screamed and cried all day and night when he finally fell asleep after midnight.  Today he is still not feeling well.

I've learned that parents deal with a lot,  too,  during this time.  We go through an array of the following that often,  and rightfully so, take a backseat to your child/children feeling like poop:

Heartbreak:
It's extremely devastating to see those sad,  puffy little eyes looking up at you thus confirming how sick they really are.  Sure,  as an adult we just stick a straw in some Nyquil and tell everyone to leave us the HELL alone, but kids can't do that.  They expect their parents to know what to do and when you can't console them it makes you feel like an epic failure. Hugs and kisses...gotta give lots of those!

Frustration:
OK,  we are human.  After an entire day and night or more,  hearing your little one scream constantly can get a little tiring.  OK a lot tiring.  OK you contemplate sticking a fork in your own head because at this point your just done, but I'm here to tell you that isn't abnormal.  I don't think it is anyway.  There have been times during this stint of sickness that I had to stop and cry a little myself because I just couldn't make him happy.  Frustrating,  yes....yes it is.

Happiness:
What I mean is,  when your kid finally takes some Tylenol or eats/drinks something you do a really bad ass happy dance while clapping and saying, "Yayyyyyyyy!" 
The best is when they start smiling and playing again.  My son had Hand Foot and Mouth about five months ago and it was awful.  Just a miserable,  fevered up boy that wouldn't smile or leave your lap.  Once he started feeling better and was able to crack a little toothed smile,  Mommy was able to take a shower and he was able to run around again causing ruckous.  It was glorious!

Anger....toward your spouse :
After taking care of a sick little one all day,  the last friggin thing one needs is to argue with their significant other just because.  Your a little more on edge than usual and it's easy to take it out on each other out of frustration.  So take the task of caring for the sick babe,  split it 50/50 and high five each other along the way because your doing the best you can.  Sneak a kiss or a hug in there for good measure.  Or slap each other around a little bit,  either way.  You'll get your point across.

So kids have it rough when their sick and their healing and well being is the top priority,  but don't forget to acknowledge your own sanity and know it's ok to lose your shit a little bit.  By lose your shit I mean it's cool to walk away,  take a deep breath and go back and hug your little one. It's frustrating for all involved but your not alone and your little one will be playing with your cell phone and ripping the blinds down in no time!!

Why Our Period Makes Us Bitches: A Man's Guide to Understanding

I would imagine that any straight man that has ever interacted in any way,  shape, or form with a woman knows one thing for sure: leave us the HELL alone when we are about to have, or have, our period!!!!

Like,  what don't you get?  Shut.  UPPPPP. Go aaaaaaaaaway.

Look, I've even made a guide for you men that don't have to deal with the hormonal depths of the devil's den once a month. 

Read it.  Read the SHIT out of it,  actually, and maybe you will understand why we are the bitches you say we are.  Nah,  you still won't get it but at least give it a whirl and pretend you sympathize and get me a friggggggin cookie while your at it!!

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

CRAMPS:
Imagine your insides for a moment.  Now imagine them being squeezed,  rubbed,  shanked with a pocket knife,  and kicked with steel toed shoes.  While all that is happening,  throw in low back pain and the constant confusion of whether you have to go poop or whether it's just the menstrual cramps. Mmhmm, yup I Just said that.

MOOD SWINGS:
Picture wanting to kick people in the head for smiling at you,  sobbing over the fact that your shirt is wrinkled and knowing your being a total freak show and can't do a damn thing about it.  Sure,  you try to regroup and take deep breaths and head to the nearest psych unit, but you just can't stop the madness.  It encompasses you and overrides your happy thoughts and no,  DUDES,  it is not something we can just stop doing. We can just stop acting crazy about as much as you can stop thinking with your wangs 95% of the time,  OK???!!

THE FLOW:
Dude,  I don't care if I have asked you 700 times,  if I need you to walk behind me and check the back of my pants then you suck it up and DO IT!!! 
The average human body houses roughly 4-7 liters of blood.  I am pretty effing certain about 6 liters pour outta there every month based on the amount of cotton ponies I go through in a day's time. 
Then there's the times I have to throw underwear away (because sometimes you just can't save 'em) and replace them with the sexiness of granny panties. Oh and who can forget when you start your flow and you had NO clue it was coming!!  Fun times. Suddenly, your stuck making toilet paper missles or awkward boats,  if you will,  to catch the flow of the Red Sea until you can hit up a drug store. Don't even get me started about the day we decide to wear white....

HUNGER:
Seeing how the things a woman endures during her cycle are very similar to pregnancy,  we get friggin hungry even when we are full.  Um,  does it look like I care that we just ate dinner?  No?  Good because I don't.  Chips,  dips,  sandwiches,  chocolate... GOD,  the CHOCOLATE....popcorn, whatevs! I am on it!!!  Yes,  we realize we are ravenous pigs and no, not one bloated ounce of me gives a shit. 

SLEEP:
Revert back to my description of cramps; would you want to do anything other than sleep with that kind of pain going on??  Nope.  Having your period wipes you out!  It makes your blood thinner,  it hurts,  it makes your brain need more rest because your hormones are raging and we need sleep to rejuvenate!  So gimme a heating pad and a blanket,  I'll see ya in three.

BLOATING:
Spandex.  We just love to not fit into our pants and put on elasticized pants instead.  Yup.  As if my kangaroo pouch wasn't bad enough I gotta worry about extra expansion to thus further confirm I'm disgusting.  You know, since bleeding like a sacrificial pig didn't make us women feel gross enough coupled with the amount of food we ingest. 

So yeah,  just hearing someone talk pisses us off or a commercial makes us cry when we have our period in addition to severe pain and bloating and being a nut job.  I'm sorry,  but you men will never understand.  You say you could handle it,  just like you claim you could handle childbirth, but we ladies just chuckle to ourselves.

You say having our period is no excuse to be bitchy and over emotional but I'm here to tell ya.....oh yes it does!!  So if you're the kind of man that is super sympathetic and sweet to your gal during her visit with Aunt Flow then keep up the good work. If your one of those men that questions the how and the why and is an ass about our behavior thus being an even FURTHUR annoyance,  just stop and shut up.

Seriously,  just don't do it.  Shhhhh.  Do. Not. Be. A. Dick.

Just pretend our behavior is normal  and put up with us for the 5-7 days. If your wife threatens a divorce unless you go out into the blizzard and get her a pizza,  by God just suit up and go. Really,  we know it's a huge request but will probably cry or throw something at you if you don't go.

I would sum up our bitch ability and just say the word HORMONES but figured spelling it all out is a way better idea. So be nice guys,  and pretend this all makes sense!

People, Places, & Things that Suck

Now I'm well aware there is a lot of great,  good,  and fantastic that floats around in this world, but there's also things that make you want to take a cheese grater to your skin. 

The inspiration to this lovely array of items was the fact that I just stubbed my toes on my son's highchair.  Not just regular old stubbed,  but the kind where something goes in between your friggin' toes!!! 

My first thought once I stopped hopping on one foot around the kitchen was, "Holy shit,  this SUCKS!" Alas,  a light bulb appeared above my head and I got the bright idea to write my frustrations down.

So here we go, suck ass things, incidents and people,  I acknowledge your sucky-ness:

1. CANCER. 
2. People that hurt children.
3. Burning your tongue.
4. Biting your tongue (physically and figuratively).
5. Spilling food on your new shirt.
6. Running out of beer.
7. Last call.
8. No toilet paper while on the toilet.
9. People that ride your ass then pass you,  get in front of you, and go slow.
10. Snobs.
11. STUBBING YOUR TOE('S).
12. No parking spots at the beach.
13. Cramps.
14. When you hold the door for some jack wagon and they don't say thank you.
15. Eating something you really didn't want but you were starving.
16. Anything that greets you with,  "SOLD OUT".
17. Poverty.
18. Blowing a headlight out.
19. People that slam on their brakes because a cop has someone pulled over.
20. People that text back " K" .
21. People that don't text back at all.  Asses!
22. When someone is in the bathroom and you reallllly gotta go.
23. Hangovers.
24. Pumping gas in the winter.
25. Rain on vacation.
26. When your cell phone dies and you have no charger. 
27. Paper cuts.
28. When your fingernail rips halfway down.
29. Charlie Horses.
30. People that don't use their blinker.
31. When your clothes don't dry all the way and your in a rush.
32. Puking.
33. Fake people.
34. Judgemental people.
35. Putting jeans on when you just took a shower.
36. Waiting in line.
37. Stepping on an earring.
38. Having a high heel break.
39. Admitting your wrong.
40. Rolling your ankle.
41. Spitting while talking to someone.
42. Forgetting someone's name when they remember yours.
43. Feeling overly full.
44. Anxiety.
45. Salivating to eat leftovers only to find someone else in the house ate them. Wtf.
46. Flat tires.
47. Who am I kidding,  ALL car problems.
48.  Break ups.
49. War.
50. Love.
51.  False advertising.
52. Tripping over nothing while walking .  And people see.
53. Living paycheck to paycheck.
54. Having an itch in the middle of your back.
55.  Cutting the cheese in an inappropriate place. 
56. Having to grow up.
57. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
58. Saying goodbye.
59. Funerals :*(.
60. When your about to jam out and the song skips.
61. When your child/children don't feel well.
62. Dropping your cell phone.
63. Forgetting to put on an oven mitt whilst removing food from the oven.
64. Messed up food deliveries.
65. Running into someone you don't want to see.
66. No sleep.
67. Missing patches of hair when you shave.
68. Shoveling snow.
69. Heartburn.
70. The inability to use chopsticks.
71. Running out of Toothpaste.  Or Dish soap,  or milk, or diapers, or sugar....yeah- running out.
72. Hammering your thumb.
73. Banging your " funny bone".
74. Liars.
75. Haters.
76. Spiders.
77. Locking your keys in your car.
78. Going to the DMV.
79. Stains that don't come out.
80. Pain.

We shouldn't focus on the suck ass things in life as if they're important in the grand scheme of things.  It is,  however,  sometimes therapeutic to point them out and even laugh at some of them. 

When life gets you annoyed and pissed and confused...try writing your own suck ass list for your own viewing enjoyment!!

Till next time....
Xoxo :)

Parenting Rules I find to be Crap

Do you ever wonder if your doing things right as a parent? Like, should your child be at a different milestone or should they be doing, or NOT doing, this or that by now? I think that often, but I do my very best to tell myself to cut the shit because my son is my son and nobody else's. He is an individual and I don't know about you, but I despise people that try and tell you how to parent and buy into all these timelines of when kids should stop this and start that.

Here are what I find to be somewhat myths to parenting and why you, if you worry like me, should say screw the "scientific research studies":


Breastfeeding:
I breastfed for 7 and a half months and I don't regret a single moment of it. I wholeheartedly believe in its benefits and support anyone who does it and I would certainly do it again. I don't think, however, that someone should be put down if they decide against it or can't do it for long. Maybe there is a medical reason or maybe they just can't produce enough. It happens! If you can breastfeed, I say do it as long as you can, but if you can't, don't totally beat yourself up over it. As long as your baby is thriving and healthy I mean ,come on, what else matters??
I also hate the breastfeeding myth that if you nurse too often, or nurse your baby to sleep, they will forever need you to fall asleep. No. Yes it was hard. and will be for most, to wean off of the breast but it can and will be done. It's a comfort and a special bond between a mom and her baby so shut up, critics, and simmer the hell down!


Ferber Method-Crying it Out:
Oh your baby will never learn to self soothe unless you let them cry for four F'ing hours to the point that snot is running down their face, they are banging their head against the crib, and terrified. Yeah, no. I'm sorry but the cry it out method is not for me. If my son is being a little jerk and throwing a tantrum over nothing, then that's one thing but when it comes to sleep I don't believe that it's all that beneficial.
Look, as a parent, you know that you are not neglecting your child when you lie them down at night but they don't know that. I am not saying not to let them cry for a while because chances are they will fall asleep, but if I have to go in and pick up my son to tell him it's ok, then I will. Sometimes rubbing their back, bringing them out to the couch while you finish a movie or to lying in bed with you is all the comfort they need to sleep soundly and other times they will do just fine in their crib. It just depends on the day for my son and if he needs me a little more one day then another, I don't find it all that big of a deal.

That leads me to....

Co-Sleeping:
I personally have been hyper aware of my sons' presence since day one. I wasn't too keen on bringing him into bed with us because I was nervous we would roll over on him, of course, but I found it to be quite the opposite. I knew every breath, every movement and every mid-sleep smile my son made and still do. Now just like crying it out, some experts say that co-sleeping won't allow your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. Yeah, they're probably right. Your kid will definitely still be sleeping with you when they are 17. Come on, people!! Yes, you should teach your child to sleep in their own crib/bed but if they don't, so what?!  You can always put them to bed alone after they fall asleep. Sure, Mom and Dad don't cuddle as much but hey.......

Naps:
Kids don't always nap and they change the times of those naps and stop trying so hard!!!! Napping is uber important but sometimes it just ain't gonna happen at noon everyday or when you want it to. Relax, leave at least one eyeball in the socket when you feel like gauging them out and try again in a
little bit.

Food:
My son is a very picky eater which is weird because my husband and I are not! No wait, it's not weird because, I'll say it again, my son is an individual. He wants certain things right now and unfortunately it isn't always the healthy stuff we want him to have. At this point, we give him what he will eat and make it as nutritious as we can. If he won't eat his chicken, we know he will have calcium rich yogurt, if he won't eat his Mac and cheese we know he will eat some protein packed peanut butter and jelly. Ok the jelly isn't perfect and not all kids are ready or able to have peanut butter ,but you catch my drift.


So all I am trying to say here is that every kid is different and they will learn at their own pace. I realized that I wasn't truly worried deep down about any of the above, I was worried because I thought it was I was supposed to do. I read countless articles about parenting and compared my son to their rules and guidelines and wondered if it was ok that we were doing certain things. Well I say
screw it. Whatever makes the parent and the child happy and comfortable in unison is probably the right thing to do.

I say, stop worrying because that's what others want you to do and waste your time worrying when you really need to. Easier said then done, but I plan to give it a whirl!

The Logan Chronicles: Up-Sleeping

On today's episode of TLC,  I share my thoughts on my child's new ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  It's weird.

I think my kid is Narcoleptic.  I'm not 100% sure this is true,  but it has valuable supporting evidence. 

Last week I planned to go next door to visit my friend and had put my son to bed as normal.  I always check on him around,  oh, I'd say 765 times in a very short amount of time, but that night I didn't check him till right before I left the house.  When I crept up the stairs and into his room I could see the top of his head against the corner of the crib.  I found it to be very creepy at first and went further for a better look.

Yep,  there he was: sleeping sitting up against the crib.  Never in my most tired or drunken nights have I ever fallen asleep sitting up.  I suppose you could say I was impressed by this.

Since then,  he has fallen asleep sitting up a few times and it's very cute.  I also find it very odd and I'm like,  ummm is this OK?  I imagine it is,  but it's one of those first time Mom worries where you don't know what the hell is normal and what isn't. 

Either way,  I named these incidences,  " Up-Sleeping".  Don't get jealous of the originality,  now people,  I was born with this witty brain and I can't help it.

Anyway, today, the mother of all up-sleeps occurred.  I was doing my make up just in the next room where I can clearly see my son playing.  Seeing how we had to move all excess furniture ( i. e side tables and rocking chair)  to the other room due to him climbing it all,  there are little spaces of floor and wall on either end of the couch that he hangs out in. 

I heard him whine about something briefly and then it got real quiet.  That always scares me so I got up to  have a peep and found him up-sleeping ....against the wall.  He seriously looked like a drunk little old man that just couldn't make it home from the bar. 

So I think up-sleeping is better than no-sleeping,  right?  I am curious to see where he passes out next and what other new found  abilities we will see. 

 Maybe the ability to do the dishes and laundry?  Nah,  I ain't that lucky. 

My Wicked Hard Pasta Bake

Now unless you're on an Emeril or Rachael Ray level,  this pasta bake may be a little advanced.  Give it a whirl though,  ya never know when your culinary counterpart may emerge. 

Ingredients:

1 box of pasta (any kind) 

1-2 jars of spaghetti sauce (any kind)

1 bag of cheese (you guessed it, any flave) 

1 baking dish ( a big one) 

Some seasoning such as Italian seasoning,  garlic salt,  and good ole' salt and pep. 

Instructions: 

-Preheat oven to 350

-Cook pasta according to box

-Drain pasta

-Add seasoning to drained pasta and place in baking dish

-Add spaghetti sauce and cheese

-Bake till the cheese is melted and bubbly

You're Welcome. 

5 Ways a Mom Can Stay Pretty

Let's face it.....

Whether you have one kid or twelve kids,  getting ready to go out is a pain in the ass.  I don't know about you,  but I swear my son waits for me to be concentrating on myself for five seconds to need me.

  I could be like, " give Mama a kiss or a hug"  and he leaves my ass mid pucker wanting nada to do with me. I start to put on my makeup,  and he climbs on me as if he wants to be inside of my skin. Like,  how close can you get,  kid? Jesus.

Anyway,  I have some strategies,  tips,  and suggestions on how to accomplish all your cleansing and beauty routines to start your day or night! 

Ahem.... 

1. SHOWERING :

Bring the kiddo in the shower, pull up a high chair, pack n play, or put them in their crib with toys; whatever works best for you and your comfort level. Keep the shower at around 1 minute and 30 seconds. Be sure to wash your hair with one hand and wash your body with the other for a maximum spa experience. If you're lucky enough to shave, make sure you do so erratically. Remember, you only have fifteen seconds left at this point since by now your child is surely screaming or breaking shit. Don't be worried about the blood dripping down your legs and missed patches of hair, you'll get that next month.

2. PICKING AN OUTFIT:

Girrrrrl, you know you wanna wear that light-colored designer blouse you just got. So fancy. But might I suggest sticking with neutral colors that closely resemble vomit, regurgitated food, and possible urine and poop? Sticky fingers will surely find their way to you and, just as luck would have it, it will most likely be when you're wearing white. Wear black.  Partially because you're  in mourning. 

3. MAKEUP:

If you forgot to wash off your makeup before bed and you have Q-tips,  we'll you're in luck! You're only moments away from a gorgeously, crafted face.  Simply wet or suck on the end of a Q-tip and carefully remove strayed eyeliner and mascara from the previous day!  Be sure to get allllll that black shit up on your forehead, down by your nostrils, and over by the end of your eyebrows and voila'!  Fresh new look! Now,  if you did go to bed without makeup, simply cover your dark hag bags with concealer ( you just grabbed diaper rash cream,  I said concealer)  and throw on a little mascara while watching your child out of the corner of your eye.  Keep an eye patch near by and recruit a seeing eye dog just in case. 

4. HAIR:

Now I don't know about you,  but nothing makes my already thin hair thin out even more then a one year old yanking on it and twirling it into a knot.  My suggestion would be either shaving your head completely, or keeping it in a ponytail at all times. If you choose to style your hair, say, with a straight iron be sure to have an ice pack on hand.  It is very likely you will burn your scalp or forehead due to a sudden head movement to yell at your little one to put the effing plunger down.  

5. JEWELERY:

If you want to keep strangling at bay,  and elongated earlobes looking unstretched, simply superglue necklace to skin and staple earrings to lobes.  It really is that easy,  folks. No more broken necklace chains resulting in eaten or lost charms, no more sagging ears that belong in a National Geographic picture, purely enjoyable jewelery that your little one cannot alter.  Ah, sounds glorious,  doesn't it? 

And there you have it; simple ways to getting ready to head out for the day or evening that take almost zero effort. Enjoy! 

Screw You, Cell Phone, I Hate You.

                                     

     

Dear Cell Phone,

Who the crap do you think you are?!

I do not appreciate your presumptuous demeanor.  You have no business telling me that I should be saying or thinking something differently than I already am on a daily basis.

I also don't appreciate your rude attempts to turn clean conversation into dirty conversation.  Oh wait,  what?  You have no idea what I'm talking about?  Do you recall me saying I'm on my way to the store to buy some new pens? Yeah,  I said PENS not PENIS.

I mean, where do you get off making me look like I can't even formulate a correct sentence??!

Example:

Me: "I can't believe the doc oven by itsel. Crew."

Other Person: "Wtf?"

Me: "Ugh, no. That was supposed to say I can't believe the door opened by itself.  Creepy."

Seriously?

If I am upset,  I choose to express it. Who are you to tell me how to feel? Maybe foul language isn't always the best choice in a conversation,  but I never mean the following :

"I am so DUCKING tired of her SHOT. She totally PASSED me off.  What a DUCKING BATCH. "

No,  mother Fulkerson, I was a lot angrier than that.  And I am not sure who the help Fulkerson is!!!!!? 

OMG, not help,  HELL. 

AAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

You suck.

Aside from anger,  if I am sad,  I want to let that be known as well.  If I am hurt,  the person who hurt me,  indeed,  needs to know.

When one says:

" I can't believe you right now.  You have me in years and you don't event case. "

One really means:

"I can't believe you right now.  You have me in tears and you don't even care. "

So now, the person that should feel bad for hurting my feelings is now in "years" because they are laughing so hard. Fan-friggin-tastic. 

Then there's your uncanny knack to send a text to the wrong person. What, you just bump people to the top of my messages list for no reason? I mean I was trying to tell my husband that I was looking forward to a kiss and some snuggling. My HUSBAND. 

Sorry, Dad. That was awkward.

Anyway, you just need to back off, ok? Let me decide what I'm trying to say and what kind of emotion I'm trying to project. 

If you do not complete my request, please note that your new home may be inside of a blender, an abyss of drywall, or an ocean floor. 

Thanks for being a royal pain in the asset.

ASS!

-Lauren

My 61 Bitchin' Bucket List Ideas

If you live paycheck to paycheck like I do, well....checking off the items on your bucket list isn't exactly an easy task. It's actually more like a joke, really. 

 Your all like, " Shit yeah, I am SO going to Vegas and Hawaii!" 

Then you look at your bank account and your all like, " Yeah, well you know....scratch tickets, a six pack and looking at Google images of Maui are cool, too, though so....that's cool. " 

Yeah. Super cool. Thumbs up, dude.

Anyway, we all have things we want to do, places we want to see and even people we want to meet before we, uhhh, 'kick the bucket' and I've decided to share some of my bucket list items. Chances are, some of these Bad Larry's are on YOUR list, too. Check it out and we can be day dream believers together!!

Your totally singing "Daydream Believer" in your head now, aren't cha? Mmm, hmm.

1. Eat some Swiss chocolate while traveling the Swiss Alps.

2. Travel to all 50 states.

3. Hear "California Love" by Tupac come on while dancing in a club while in California- Nuff said.

4. Swim with dolphins..

5. Be in a movie.

6. Go parasailing.

7. Hug a manatee.

8. Volunteer to help out with the Special Olympics.

9. Show Tom Hanks my Forrest Gump impression.

10. Learn to break dance.

11. Jump out of a birthday cake. 

12. Be a cartoon character. Or the voice of one, anyway. Ha.

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Hang out and shoot the poop with Ellen Degeneres.

15. Save a life.

16. Float around a zero gravity chamber.

17. Not be too afraid to skydive.

18. Moonwalk on the moon ( clearly, entering space is easier than skydiving).

19. Go to Vegas and roll some dice. And win big.

20. Wear a lei in Hawaii.

21. Go to England and pretend I'm a bloody local and have a pint of lager.

22. Lie in a field of wicked cute puppies.

24. Swim in an edgeless pool.

25. Go to a Sandals or a Beaches resort.

26. Take the family to every single Disney and Universal theme park.

27. Learn to snowboard. 

28. See the Northern Lights.

29. Dive the Titanic wreckage site. 

30. Put my feet in every ocean on Earth

31. Poke around the alleged Area 51 for some aliens.

32. Take a ride on a bobsled.

33. Go on a safari.

34. Eat a Philly cheesesteak in Philly.

35. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and yell, "I'm the king of the worlddddddd!" 

36. Eat a piece of Big Red next to Big Ben. Yeah, I don't know why either.

37. Actually do something for a Klondike bar.

38. Drive a motorcycle. 

39. Sing and record some tunes in a recording studio.

40. Crowd surf.

41. Real life wave surf.

42. Ice fish inside an igloo.

43. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.

43. See a great white shark...from really far away.

44. Pet a tiger cub.

45. Put a diaper on a monkey and feed it a bottle.

46. Carve my initials in a red wood tree.

47. Eat an apple in an Apple Store.

48. See a tornado.....also from really far away.

49. Roll down the rolling hills of Scotland.

50. Hang glide.

51. Go on a cruise.

52. Ride on a Zamboni.

53. Lose 35 lbs. 

54. Spend Christmas in a snowed in cabin in the mountains.

55. Sip a rum runner on an exotic beach in Fiji.

56. Go on a helicopter ride.

57. See Mt. Everest. 

58. Walk the Great Wall of China.

59. Go white water rafting.

60. Go ghost hunting. Maybe. 

61. Host Saturday Night Live. 

Believe it or not, that's probably just half of the things I'd like to do, see, and enjoy in my lifetime. I don't want to have to have a terminal illness or near death experience to say to myself that I need to do these things. Being alive and having one life should be reason enough.

So I don't know about you, but I plan to work really hard to attain even the unattainable on my list and hope that I'm lucky enough to cross off a few things. 

Course, for most of them I need millions of dollars and a whole lot of time but hey, ya never know!

Cheers to dreaming big and emptying out our buckets!!!

Remember the Christmas Magic?

Ah.  My son is asleep.  Kinda.  I keep hearing faint cries from his crib in the distance every so often,  but he should be dreaming shortly.

Just kidding,  he's crying loudly now. Ugh. ** Palm to forehead**.

My husband is playing some video games in the other room and I decided I shall sit here and watch a Christmas movie full of good cheer,  damnit!

While scrolling to find a jolly ole holiday movie,  I come across The Shawshank Redemption.  Seriously?  Ah yes,  I suppose nothing says Christmas like some sweet prison brutality and some shanks made out of old toothbrushes. 

Great movie,  but I keep scrolling.

Something is missing; I contemplate a beer.  Nah,  I don't feel like a beer.  That's weird I always feel like a beer.

Cookies out of the oven,  though?  Yeah I just ate six of those little delicious bastids.

Then,  as if reading my Christmas thirsty mind,  I see The Santa Clause is coming on.  I friggin' love this movie (it's legit on right now) just like I love Christmas Vacation and Home Alone and It's a Wonderful Life and all the other notorious Christmas movies.  It makes me think how long I've been watching these flicks.  I would say close to my whole life most of them have been around and they're still able to induce the same holiday warm and fuzziness as they did when I was a kid.  They trigger memories and bring me right back to those moments in time.

It's kinda sad how the holiday experience differs from childhood to adulthood.  Things were so damn magical,  ya know?

I remember thinking how cool it would be if I could catch Santa leaving gifts under the tree and eating my cookies (thanks Mom and Dad for eating the cookies) . I remember looking at all the lights on our house as if they were the entry to some magical Kingdom. When my Dad would string all those gigantic old school colored bulbs up on the tree I used to lie underneath it and stare up into the colors.  I pictured Chip and Dale chasing each other around the branches and ornaments like they did in the Mickey Mouse movies.  Never did see them though; guess I was kind of a weird kid.

I totally miss when my Dad would pull me behind him on my orange sled and we would go out into the back fields and into the woods on adventures at night. It was cold and it was probably pretty damn hard on my Dad's back,  but with a little laughter and hot chocolate....maybe spiked with rum for Pops...we had a super awesome time.  It was even cooler when the snow would actually fall while we were out there; honestly,  I still hear the crunch of my Dad's feet against the snow. 

I remember family trips to the pond for ice skating,  Mom's spritz cookies, going to look at lights in the neighborhoods,  and even Dad cutting down our own Christmas tree just like the Griswolds in Christmas Vacation.  Yeah....we were and still are a lot like the Griswolds.  Hahahahaha...such a true story.

Anyway,  Christmas was just the most kick ass thing ever.  Everything was exciting and wonderous and I'm so pumped to watch my son experience those same feelings as he grows up.

Watching these movies that have brought me joy for so many years is incredibly nostalgic and it makes me want to bring it all back in anyway that I can.

Why not believe in Santa as a grown up? Who says ya can't lie under the Christmas tree at 5"8 ft tall?  I mean let's not forget the magic we felt as kids because there's no rule that says we have to!! 

I can't wait to make new memories and traditions with my son for the holidays and I hope I can incorporate some of the memories from my childhood as well. 

I don't know if my Dad could still pull me on a sled these days but I'll never forget the days he could....

So cheers to holiday movies that make you feel warm and rejuvenate some magical memories. 

I'm going to lie under the Christmas tree now and wait for Chip and Dale....

Xoxo

The Logan Chronicles: Prison Break

 On this episode of TLC, a look into the newly discovered ability to high tail it outta dodge is examined. 

I decided yesterday that it was time to decorate for Christmas so I went down to the basement to grab the decorations.  My husband rigged the gating system we have for my son and attached it to the wall so he has a ton of room to run and play instead of being confined to the UFC looking octagon. 

So far it has worked fine.

Until now.

I started to put up some Santas and glittery trees and went into the kitchen to grab another couple of items for display.  I notice while I'm in there that I hear footsteps going up my stairs....

OK, Lauren,  your losin' it,  I think to myself.  No one was even home to be trotting up the stairs....except my son.

Omg, MY SON!!!!!  wtf!!!

I no sooner thought it and heard footsteps above my head pitter-pattering around real quick-like.  I flew through the dining room,  Olympic style hurdled over the first gate then ran through the living room and gold medaled that shit over the second one and up the stairs. 

There he was,  in my bedroom and about to close the door in my face looking like he was half amused with himself and half confused by my likely bugged out eyes and inability to breathe from my quick athletic affair.  He started to sputter some baby jibberish to defend his case; I was absolutely terrified. I'm pretty sure my heart rate has never been that high in my life.

Dude...how did he get out of the living room??! I was in the kitchen a minute at best and I didn't even hear a struggle out there at all!  He had to have pre-meditited his escape,  I mean,  that took some planning and it was seriously close to ninja status. 

I was totally freaked out and wanted to know how he did it so I went in the dining room to spy. After about a fifteen seconds or so, he ran over to the gate and was doing this:

                                  

Little crazy man actually bent the damn gate almost flat so he could do some kind of a SWAT move and jet over the side! Ugh, I thought about the fact that he could have fallen down the stairs or gotten into something upstairs had I not gotten to him quick enough. I was so thankful that I had the Olympic training to reach him in time. Whew. Ok, I'm trying to make light of the situation because sometimes that's all you can do, right?!! So scary.

Strangely, he didn't try to do this again, but I'm definitley not convinced that he won't. I can't believe how smart and bigger and taller he has gotten and pretty soon he is going to be able to just step right over the gate, get married, move away and be out of my life forever!!!!! Alright, alright I'm being dramatic but that's what it feels like! I know kids climb out of their cribs and car seats and all that crap I just didn't think my son was anywhere near that stage where he was actually thinking of trying it. It just goes to show how fast these little people grow! Wish he would slow down and stay little forev.

So today I thank my son, Logan Michael, for showing me how quick your little feet and brain work!

I'm thinking a prison high fence and armed guards might be in store next for my little dude, jeez...

Love ya, bud. Thanks for the heart attack. Xoxo.

Give Thanks: Catch the Thankfulitis

How 'bout that snow, eh , guys?!!

It's  that time of year again to eat till your pants cause a serious pain in your lower abdomen and when naps are a must.  A time where people come together and bring odd dishes like jello molds and cheap wine.  Tomorrow,  my pals,  is Thanksgiving!

I could eat a Thanksgiving meal 365 days a year without question.  It's my favorite,  especially the way my Mom makes it because no one ever makes it like dear ole' Ma.  I just love getting together and stuffing our guts and having a few laughs.  Usually those laughs involve my Dad somehow because it's always fun to pick on your Dad!! Love ya,  Dad.

The thing that makes me think , though,  is that every year and every Thanksgiving is not guaranteed. Compared to when I was younger,  I've lost two uncles, my Nana,  had an aunt and a sister move away,  currently have an aunt that battles that asshole known as Cancer and my other sister unfortunately,  is very sick with a mental illness that keeps her from her sanity and in turn, keeps her from being able to be around us. It's devastating and it's hard and everyone has hard times,  I'm no worse off than anyone else.  I'm just saying look around this Thanksgiving.

Look around and see who you have beside you and the glorious grub before you and entice new memories and stories.  Be thankful not just on Thanksgiving Day, but vow to be thankful each day.  It's not always easy to do,  especially when things go wrong,  and I hear ya,  I know how that goes.  Every moment that passes,  however, we have a new chance to embrace the thankful-itis and appreciate it.

What are you thankful for?  Seriously,  name five things,  right now,  that you are thankful for and vow to remember them everyday and even add one or two a day. Here are my five:

1. A beautiful and crazy family:)
2. A cozy roof over my head.
3. A job with benefits,  learning opportunities,  and great co-workers.
4. Friends that are nutty like me.
5. My health.

See?  Not that hard to catch the thankful-itis. There's no cure once you catch it,  and it IS possible to spread Thankfulitis to others. So go spread it!!!!

So tonight,  after a quick play in the snow with my husband and son on this fine Thanksgiving Eve,  I vow to give thanks for another holiday I am blessed to see.  You never know when those odd jello
molds and wine will stop showing up or when the turkey could get a little bit smaller.

Love each other and love this insane,  pain in the bum, but pretty bitchin' life that you have in front of your eyes.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all:)

Love, Lauren xoxo

And to my Sister,  Allison,
May you be warm wherever you are and know that we pray for you to overcome this illness.  We
miss you and we love you.  Xoxo

Reasons Not to Hate My Husband

'                                  

      

                                  

   

I want to punch my husband in the head a lot. I'm pretty sure I have even told him I was going to do so on more than one occasion. It's a true story.

I do, however, have many reasons to NOT punch my husband in the head and I like to try and focus on those things instead. Ok...starting today I would like to try and focus on those things instead. Happy now, Zachary? I can see him laughing from here when he reads that. Hardy har har.

Anyway, being married or in a relationship, period, is hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and often times it just sucks. It's so easy to focus on what someone is doing to piss you off instead of what they are doing to keep you happy and that never results in anything good. I find it way easier to yell at my husband than to give him a hug and play nice sometimes and that's not cool. There are many, many reasons that I love the guy and those reasons keep me from doing bodily harm against him when he infuriates me. I'm reminded why I fell in love with him and he stays safe. It's a win, win!!!!

So today, I share reasons to love and not hate. Here goes: 


-He kisses me before I brush my teeth in the morning. Ok, it's gross but it's love.
-He says he's sorry and he says it WAY more than I do. Sorry:(
-He turns on the TV for me so I can sleep at night even though he mumbles about it under his breath.
-He holds my hand when I don't expect it.
-He drives me to work in bad weather because he knows I'm scared. Aaaaaand because he knows I'm more likely to crash the car.
-He lets me watch all my "lame" shows even though he bitches about it.

-He sings to me. Ok it's usually a song unrelated to love and unrelated to me and he sings it loud and crazy ,but he sings.

-He dealt with me being an absolute nutcase while pregnant. No, really...NUT....CASE.

-He watched me push out a human and talked me through every minute.

-He holds back my hair if I'm going to vom.

-He makes sure I don't wear an ugly outfit.

-He surprises me with beer. Oh, and flowers. :)

-He wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring and scaring the neighborhood children.

-He knows better than to ask me what I want for dinner more than twice.

-He always serves me my food first and usually a huge helping 'cuz I likes to eat!

-He always makes me laugh even when I want to throw numb chucks at his groin.

-He lets me hold the remote. Not always, mind you, but it happens.

-He accepts the other love in my life which is napping. I friggin love naps! Oh, and Channing Tatum. 

-He tolerates my inability to understand certain movie plots which leads me to say , " I don't get it."

-He gets up with my son when he knows I want to sleep till at least 8 o'clock.

-He painted my toenails when I was too pregnant to bend over. 

-He buys me tampons.

-He acts totally stupid with me, especially when a sweet jam comes on the radio.

-He reads my blog ( tee he hee).

-He cares about my dreams, even the outlandish ones like becoming a famous singer or actress;).

-He tells me I can when I say I can't. 

-He never gives up on me:):):)

-He always, always says "I love you" even when I know he wants to secretly kill me but he doesn't try because spouses are always the number one suspect. Awww, thanks, honey!

There's a ton of reasons not to hate my husband and those are just some of the fun ones:). The main reason, honestly, is because he puts me before himself without question and that isn't always easy to do. I'm a lot to handle when I get pissy and full of worry so I should probably be nicer sometimes.

 

So, ladies, when you want to hate your husband, try a little harder to remind yourself why you don't. :)

  

The Logan Chronicles : Sleep is for Sissies

Today on The Logan Chronicles,  we discuss Logan's two-day strike against a nap before daycare.  If you have children,  you know or remember how much of a bitch it can be to get your little bugger to take a nap.  My son will literally do everything in his power to avoid giving into the sleep fairies even though most of the fight he puts up is when he's half asleep.

                   Exhibit  A: The Headstand

This move typically occurs when he is absolutely exhausted,  damn near passes out on my chest or crook of my arm (usually on the couch) ,  but then suddenly decides he has sick skills and jumps up to showcase his downward dog while moving his butt up and down.  Think of a drunk person trying to convince themselves they have it in them to dance to one more song or can totally still do a cartwheel or another shot. No...no you can't. Shhhhh, just go to sleep.  

Exhibit B: The Spin and Smile 

I work evenings in a hospital so the ole,  "sleep when the baby sleeps"  is something I attempt to do with my son whenever I'm able.  Once we settle down for a co-nap in Mom and Dad's  bed,  usually we are quick to enter dream land; in the above picture, however, Logan presented one of his other sleep avoidances known as the spin and smile. This pic was taken right after he spun around five times like a puppy, smushed his face into the pillow, and faked like he was sleeping for about 30 seconds. Then, like a jack in a box, he sprung up and smiled. Usually,  his eyes are shut when he does this one because he's so close to caving in to nigh nights.  I find this to be his odd way of trying to convince me he is way too cute to slumber.  Dude,  you are pretty friggin' cute,  but really???! 

There were other fillers in between Logan's antics that were not so cute.  He pulled his own hair,  threw his bottle,  and cried and screamed in protest. I,  too,  then pulled my own hair and cried.  Just take a friggin' nap!  

But then these two thoughts ran through my head: 1. I'd be pissed,  too,  if someone tried to make me nap, and 2. My son was having way more fun doing his headstands and his spin and smiles.  He simply wasn't feelin' a nap and even though there's reprocussions later in the day when he doesn't ( like he can get very grouchy. Duh. ) ,  my kid wanted to play with me instead. Being up and silly was making him happy and I only get a couple hours to play before we head to daycare and work. Not to mention very few years that he's going to even want to choose his Mom over other more exciting things. 

Wow,  did I just really conclude that at least I'm more fun than sleep?  Ehhh..... I don't know what to make of that.  Haha. Anywaaaayyy....    

So today I thank my son,  Logan Michael, for showing me that sometimes we need to say  screw the nap and bring on the toys.  We aren't promised tomorrow so let's have some fun today and sleep later:)  XOXO. 

The Logan Chronicles: The Cardboard Box

On this introductory episode of The Logan Chronicles, picture an adorable one-year-old boy that runs the entire household and takes all your shit.  A boy that wears a smirk and can fake a cry at the drop of a hat and knows when he does something wrong but does it anyway. A boy who I love more than anything in this world and  keeps me on my toes...literally. This little boy is my son.

He is pretty damn funny.

We moved to a new place back in September and, sadly, I had two boxes left full of absolute crap and random ish that I decided to go through today. I got one cleaned out and left the other one to collect more dust for another day; that first one really wiped me out.

Anyway, I gave the empty box to my son thinking he would crawl in it a couple times and get bored like he usually does, but instead...he played in it for over 3 hours. Hip, hip hooray!!!!! Mom can eat some snacks and watch a movie! Right?  Nottttt really. It didn't matter though, he hadn't been feeling well so watching him figure out what to turn this box into was way more fun!

Soon the box became several fun items at once for Logan; a cardboard mountain to sit on with glee,  a pair of bongos to make music on,  a cave,  a sweet hat to wear that made his giggles echo,  and of course: just a simple object to stack another object on so he could tip the top object over.  Naturally. 

Logan made me remember how often I used my insanely fantastic imagination when I was younger and how I was so easily amused.   Then in turn,  I realized how I don't use that imagination nearly enough as an adult and it made me kinda sad,  man.  As kids,  we didn't take life so seriously. We lived each day as it came while turning anything and everything into something fun; in adult terms,  this means we were always positive.  I get down on my hands and knees and play with my son daily and come up with silly voices and games turning myself into a child once more,  but once I stand back up..... I'm an adult again.  When did that happen?  I fear I'll say the same about my son quicker than I'd like. 

So today,  I thank my son, Logan Michael,  for reminding your Mom that sometimes we need to pull out the cardboard box and get creative; we need to forget the negative and embrace the positive and make the best of this messy,  insane life.  XOXO. 

  

How to Not be Annoying on Facebook

Ah, Facebook: The place to share all your shit. And I do mean ALL.

Yes, our main means of communication are via the internet and social sites these days, but come on, people! Falsifying your life and sharing your most private, and quite frankly, inappropriate drama, pics, or stories are not going to give you the attention you think it will. Negative attention is not really something we should strive for. I know I don't.

Now, of course, Facebook might be one of the only ways you might see your grandma in California or your 5th grade bestie that teaches Art History in France, so I get why we post pics of the fam or announce our latest achievements. That's what I feel like Facebook is for and I'm giving a big
 "Like" for that kind of stuff.  I am just saying let's be real about our lives at least a little bit because all the fakeness really isn't cool.

Here are some things I feel if we saw less of, our scrolling experience would be much more enjoyable:

The Drama McDramason:

"Nobody understands me and I hate my life," or ," He's such a good-for- nothing-piece-of-crap and me and my kids are better off and I don't know how I will afford my prescriptions now," or , " Well, guess they're foreclosing on my house and taking my car."

Yikes, dudes...friggin' yikes.

Yup, you've seen it, don't lie. The people that share very private and embarrassing things but clearly don't realize how it is perceived by others. Just stop. STOP. Everyone has drama in their lives and everyone has a history, however, not everyone has enough whiskey in their liquor cabinet to deal with your crap on top of their own. Seriously, it's stressful.

The Stipulation:  You're speaking of a universally hated subject like child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. By all means, post about how all of the above piss you off and make you sick because we are right there with ya.


The Drama McDramason Hater that is also a Drama McDramason:

The post goes a lil' something like this: " I can't stand all the drama I see on Facebook". Then, low and behold, a few days later, they are posting the most detailed, ranting and raving post about the guy that left you when you had your first baby at 15 which now caused you to have no money and so now you have to strip for a living and no one ever helps you. EVER.
Wait, what? Didn't you just say you can't stand seeing drama? Don't be so hypocritical. Really, I mean if you're gonna say something you despise and then turn around and do the same thing, well, you're not much better now, are you?

The Stipulation: If you're calling someone out on their drama ( which really you shouldn't unless it involves you because it's none of ya biz) and that's the end of it, then whatever. But...then that could start an online arguing match which is about as productive as trying to lick your elbows. Omg, did you really just try and lick your elbow? SMH.


The Overuser of Abbreviations:

We all use them as I just illustrated above, but saying your ROTFLMAO is a sheer lie. You have not fallen off your chair and are now rolling around on the floor laughing your ass off, Shhhhh, don't try and argue with me, you aren't doing that.. Half the time we say we are LOL we are sitting in total silence perhaps thinking how funny something is but not actually projecting laughter out loud. Think about it. When did we stop actually typing words out?! Scratch that, when did we stop speaking words and formulating sentences?? Oh that's right, when social media took over the world. Now it looks like this: " OMG, BRB, LML. SMH. LOL." I am pretty sure I have even seen people make up their own abbreviations as if the rest of us are going to know what the hell you even mean. Just say it...spell the word out and say it. I know you can do it!

The Stipulation: You're in middle school or maaaaaybe even High School,  Or eating chips and only have one hand to type your post, I guess I can empathize with that one.
.


The Play-By-Player:

Ya know, the people that post about every little thing they are doing at every blessed moment of the day? I went to pee. I made a bagel. I walked downstairs. I went to work. Work is good. I can't wait to get out of work. I am out of work, Just got home from work. Holy crap, seriously? I am giving an extremely slow clap for your very detailed, and fun-filled day...it was almost like I was right there with you. Chill it out, a little...make us wonder what you're doing for at least ten minutes. Trust me, we'll miss you.

The Stipulation: You're doing something insanely exciting and rare like bungee jumping off the Great Wall of China or climbing Mt.Everest. Then...then I want to know every emotion as you prepare to leap off a wall and fearfully face death and then I want to know every sight and step as you ascend to the summit of a notorious mountain. Only...then.


The Mean Foul Mouther: Dude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? Some swearing can give emphasis to a post or sometimes even make something funnier, but saying racist or homophobic things or acting like your some badass because you threaten people over the internet is lame and makes you look weak. If you have something to say to someone or if you have that much hatred then you should probably go to the source and check yourself into therapy. Sorry.

The Stipulation: There isn't one. Be nice.

The Mystery Poster:

This one irks me the most, let me just tell you. I have actually posted about this on my own Facebook page before. The person that posts very vague posts simply to lure you in so you ask specific questions thus triggering their desired response and attention. It goes like any of these:
" I just heard the news today. So sad." or, "Heartbroken."or, " I can't believe it."or, "Never been so happy in my whole life!!"or " Looks like things are gonna go my way." Really? REALLY?? What is so sad? Why are you heartbroken? What is making you so happy? What is finally going your way? I mean what!  WHAT is it, my God just say it before I gauge my own eyeballs out!!!!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I wouldn't do that but it truly is frustrating because it is painfully obvious what you seek out of a post like that. You want people to ask you what's going on when you can just say it to begin with and we can all be like, " Oh, congrats" or tell you we're sorry to hear it or something like that. Just be up front and SAY IT!! Grrrr.

The Stipulation:  Your phone, tablet, or computer dies and you weren't able to type the rest of the sentence thus explaining any of the above.


The Perfect Lifer:

Bought a new yacht today, did ya? Does it match your Maserati and fit in your boat slip out side of your island home? Wow, that is just fabulous. Or the friggin, #LML and Hearts because I bathe in puppies and poop rainbows made of happiness and glitter. Look if you work hard for the things you have then great, but please, for the love of God, do not sit here and pretend that your life is perfect just because of money or pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. I am NOT saying not to be proud of things and I am NOT saying that we shouldn't appreciate what we have, but naturally triggering others to compare themselves to a falsified situation is kind of shitty. Sharing a materialistic life online is far different then sharing a life online you just simply love. Talking about a family day at the beach is a beautiful thing, saying how you and your family just ate at the most expensive restaurant on the beach and are now staying in a five star resort is not. It's purposely mentioned to have others envy you and feel bad about themselves in one way or another which indicates you're not as happy deep down as you claim to be. If you were, well...you wouldn't have to do that.

The Stipulation: People that have overcome a struggle or work very hard for the things they have but don't feel like that's all that matters in life. No one cares about your $90 dollar steak, I could buy a ton of steaks at the grocery store for that. I'm not being a hater contrary to what some may think, I'm just calling out the facade in which some hide behind. We see it.


The Laundry Airer Outter:

This one is pretty similar to the Drama McDramason folk except instead of it making you roll your eyes, it makes you cringe and raise your eyebrows asking, " Did they really just post that?" I'm talking the people revealing their drug addictions and their spouses cheating and their children needing therapy and the fact that they want to kill themselves on a daily basis. Like, whoa. WHOA. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, sometimes it can make you angry at people and sometimes you just don't know what to say or think. Kinda leaves us all whistling as we slowly look around while backing away and out of the room like Peter Griffin would do on Family Guy, Shit just got realllll awkward.

The Stipulation:  Sometimes I feel like people post certain things as a cry for help and while we all mostly ignore these awkward confessions and feelings, a simple private message could potentially go a long way in a time of need.

The I-Love-Myselfer: This one is simple: they post 245,558 pictures of themselves in various selfie positions where we can clearly see their arm extended in the front and all the poses look the same. Their albums consist of one thing: themselves. Their posts consist of places like the gym, mall, and bedroom with one important person: themselves. We get it, you like you.

The Stipulation:  If you have lost a lot of weight or have finally come out of your shell and like the way you look when you never have before or something. I can get that. But jeez, just because you're pretty or handsome doesn't mean we need to see every possible face you can make or eye shadow color you have in your make-up bag. Take a pic of your ankle or something for once.

So this has been an official observation by me on how to not be so annoying on Facebook. Chances are, we know most of the people on our Facebook page ( or used to) in real life so to see people put on a show can be a little frustrating and even disheartening at times.

 The hard truth is that people can post whatever they want on their own page and if you don't like it, don't read it and blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah I get it. I'm sure I have even been guilty of some of the above at times, but this is just a friendly suggestion to the people that will now probably delete me from their Facebook. Haha.
 I'm just saying, let's all kick it old school and go out for coffee or drinks and use real life to air our dirty laundry, be dramatic, and brag about the things our other friends don't have and leave if off of Facebook.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to be dramatic in person :D

END RANT ;)

Living the Dream!

I love when people say, " Hey, how's it going?" and then we say the ever so popular, " Eh, ya know....living the dream!"
While it usually gets a chuckle or a generic, " Oh, I hear that" response, you sometimes gotta stop and ask yourself, am I living the dream? Like, for real, are you reallllly doing what you've always dreamt about doing or are you settling and doing what you have to do to survive?

 I have been working towards a nursing degree forever. Ok, well, not forever but it feels like it. I have always wanted to assist others on their journey to recovery or be a hand to hold if recovery isn't an option. Between my often odd, yet silly personality and willingness to make a serious situation a little more manageable ( at least momentarily), I figured it would be a fantastic fit for me. I have been working as a nursing assistant for about six years and have dabbled in other healthcare positions on the administrative side over the last 10 years, so I've been in healthcare long enough to know it's where I want to stay. I was even an activities director in a nursing home for a while which was fun but stressful in it's own right....the elderly take Bingo very seriously, even the ones with dementia. They may not know their own name, but they KNOW when it's time for Bingo. Those wheelchairs move extremely fast to chase your ass down if you don't start on time. Truth.

Anyway, I want to be a nurse and I am hoping to work in pediatric oncology one day. I know, pediatric oncology....why would I want to work with sick kids?  It would be totally sad and totally heart breaking.  Indeed, it would be.  I work on an oncology (ish)  floor currently in a hospital and that's sad enough at times let alone CHILDREN with cancer.  The way I see it,  if I can contribute to making a child's recovery or time on this earth a positive experience by lots of laughs,  high fives,  and optimistic reinforcement,  then it is worth it to try.  I say try because as a first time mom to a one- year- old,  I cannot imagine my son ever having a terminal or serious ailment and it's certainly possible that I won't be able to handle such devastation. I would think about my little boy and cry often, I know it.  But.... If God forbid I were ever a parent in that situation,  I would hope that there were good hearted people to take care of my son that actually want to be there regardless of how hard it is. Someone has to be strong for those kids when they, or their parents, need a break to just crumble and not be so strong.

Trying to get into nursing school while having a family and working full time is insanely hard. I started all my core classes in 2011,  finished all but two of them and got engaged in April of 2012, married in October of that year and then found out three months later that I was pregnant! So, needless to say, after all that....I am revisiting my career endeavors and trying to make it finally happen. I'm trying to make it happen for me, yes, but for my family as well; especially my little boy. I want to be able to give him everything he deserves in life even though I know the most important things are love, hugs, kisses, and encouragement. Well, those are most important to me, anyways:).

Recently, I took the TEAS exam which is a standardized test used to get into some nursing schools here in my state.  Taking this test is pretty much the only thing besides availability that is standing in between me and an RN program. Yeah. Glad I studied my ass off for that one and saw pretty much nothing I studied for on the test. Good times. There was actually a point where I was laughing out loud at some of the questions that had absolutely NOTHING to do with nursing. Wait, what about a deers fur in the summer and 4 liquid gasses being poured into a bunson burner with a purple unicorn?  Wtf!?  Ok I made the unicorn part up, but the rest of it was for real. Anyway, I didn't do as worse as I could have but I did not do as well as I need to. I'll be taking it again in a few weeks. 

I imagine paying for school, studying, being a Momma and working will be a lot for my husband and I to adjust to once I finally get into a program ( I'll probably be pushing around 80 years old at this rate), but I have to give it my all. I do love what I do now in the healthcare industry and look forward to enhancing my knowledge and learning the good, the bad, and the ugly of nursing. As a nursing assistant,  I've luckily gotten the opportunity to ask questions and observe the fantastic nurses that I work with so I see all that goes into the role first hand.

So the point to this,  folks,  is do what you love no matter what your age,  no matter what it takes because saying one day that your "living the dream" and actually doing so is hard to come by.  I know becoming a nurse won't be perfect all the time, but nothing is perfect so I'm ok with that.  I just hope to contribute to the welfare of others to the best of my abilities:).

Tip of the Day:

"If not now,  when?"

Courtesy of my food addiction post,  I encourage myself and others to ask this question whenever there is something your afraid to do or something you keep putting off.  We aren't getting any younger,  people. Do it NOW!  :)

Dealing with Food Addiction-The Struggle is Real

My name is Lauren, and I'm a food-a-holic.
 Whew. Thank God I got that off my chest, it's been EATING away at me for some time now. Haha.

 
Yeah, anyway. All lame jokes aside, I really do have an issue with food. I'm not an overweight woman but I am not a 110 pound woman either. Kinda lost in that weird fifth dimension of whether I'm considered a skinny person or not. I like to call it The Thigh-Light Zone. Ba dum chhhh.

 But really, I have struggled with dieting and exercise for a very, very long time. It's my kangaroo pouch that I can't seem to get rid of, the rest of me I am ok with. The good news is that I usually keep trying one way or another, but the bad news is that I have yet to see the results I want. I know, I'm obviously not trying as hard as I could. It's hella hard for me to give up the salty foods and the fried foods and the dips and the chips even though I know they are doing nothing for my health or waistline. It's truly like I'm a drug addict that feels guilty about using once I am done eating bad food. I mean, do I need some sort of intervention?

 So as if the things I crave aren't bad enough, I over eat. Yup, overeating is the real demon in the situation. It doesn't matter if I am full or not, either, if there is something out on the table or in the breakroom at work that I enjoy, I eat it. It's almost as if I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't take one of those cookies or have seconds of the mashed potatoes. I suppose this is all a prime example of stress eating, or binge eating, or eating your real feelings or some shit like that, but, whatever it is....the struggle is real.

 So let's examine whether some of the reasons for food addiction would solve or not solve the issue at hand:


 1. Stress Eating: Now why the HELL would someone turn to food when they are stressed out?? Especially if they are stressed out about being overweight or being unhealthy? I suppose the euphoria of a twinkie high or a carb fest would be a quick fix depending on the reason for stress, but at the end of it all...there's quite a bit of irony in the situation! It's like, I eat too many bad things which gives me zero energy to go to the gym. I'm going to sit here and eat this candy bar instead of taking that bike ride. What? I don't get it. If your stressed, try reading a book, or sitting outside, or dancing to some sweet tunes and shaking it off. There's always flicking the person that is stressing you out right in between the eyes or having a stiff drink. I'm just sayin' it could help, I ain't sayin' it's right. Don't judge me.


 2. Binge Eating: Well, if binge eating is anything like binge drinking, and I suspect it is, I can see how this one can make a little sense. You eat well all week, you go for walks, you hit the gym and pump some iron....so screw it! Come Friday, it's the friggin' weekend and I'm gonna have me some cake, pie, and fries! Cheat day, ya'll!! Oh and a big ass, calorie-infested martini. Shit, I can binge eat AND binge drink at the same time!! Now THAT is talent, folks. I totally believe if your going to diet, you should have cheat days or it will result in an epic fail. Maybe try cheating at one out of the three meals instead of all of them? At least that way you get a little satisfaction without completely feeling like you've lost the battle to Captain Cholesterol and Sargent Sugar Pants.

 3. Eating Your Real Feelings: Now, I don't know about this one. I guess you can cover up how depressed you are by eating something comforting, but what about other feelings and emotions? I can tell you right now, if I'm angry? I'm not about to stuff a cheeseburger down my throat with a side of onion rings to deal with it. Can you imagine a pissed off person at a red light next to you screaming at someone on their cell phone while they pop skittles into their mouth or wolf down a foot long?
 " Screw you, A-Hole! I gotta whole bag of candy and some pork, I'm a mad woman!!!!" Bah! that'd be hilarious, though, I'm just sayin'.

 So look, food addiction is real and so is laziness. Yes, we are all busy with work, or school, the kids, or whatnot; but the motto I have been trying repeatedly to live by is if not now, when? Seriously, when are we ( yes, WE, myself included) going to get it together and choose the salad over the chicken fingers ( Mmmm, my fave) and the walk over the nap and the gym over the happy hour? Whoa...well I don't know about skipping the happy hour, but I mean if we don't dedicate ourselves to being healthy and getting to look the way we want to now, then when the hell will we? We won't. It's hard, and I'm here to tell you I'm with ya. I get it. All we can do is keep trying and know that we aren't alone in the food struggle and lazy coma, there are others out there. Tomorrow is a new day. For now...I shall sit and eat my Whoppers in peace as I picture myself by next summer in a tiny, little bikini and a wash board stomach..... It'll happen. Right??.......