How to Not be Annoying on Facebook

Ah, Facebook: The place to share all your shit. And I do mean ALL.

Yes, our main means of communication are via the internet and social sites these days, but come on, people! Falsifying your life and sharing your most private, and quite frankly, inappropriate drama, pics, or stories are not going to give you the attention you think it will. Negative attention is not really something we should strive for. I know I don't.

Now, of course, Facebook might be one of the only ways you might see your grandma in California or your 5th grade bestie that teaches Art History in France, so I get why we post pics of the fam or announce our latest achievements. That's what I feel like Facebook is for and I'm giving a big
 "Like" for that kind of stuff.  I am just saying let's be real about our lives at least a little bit because all the fakeness really isn't cool.

Here are some things I feel if we saw less of, our scrolling experience would be much more enjoyable:

The Drama McDramason:

"Nobody understands me and I hate my life," or ," He's such a good-for- nothing-piece-of-crap and me and my kids are better off and I don't know how I will afford my prescriptions now," or , " Well, guess they're foreclosing on my house and taking my car."

Yikes, dudes...friggin' yikes.

Yup, you've seen it, don't lie. The people that share very private and embarrassing things but clearly don't realize how it is perceived by others. Just stop. STOP. Everyone has drama in their lives and everyone has a history, however, not everyone has enough whiskey in their liquor cabinet to deal with your crap on top of their own. Seriously, it's stressful.

The Stipulation:  You're speaking of a universally hated subject like child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. By all means, post about how all of the above piss you off and make you sick because we are right there with ya.


The Drama McDramason Hater that is also a Drama McDramason:

The post goes a lil' something like this: " I can't stand all the drama I see on Facebook". Then, low and behold, a few days later, they are posting the most detailed, ranting and raving post about the guy that left you when you had your first baby at 15 which now caused you to have no money and so now you have to strip for a living and no one ever helps you. EVER.
Wait, what? Didn't you just say you can't stand seeing drama? Don't be so hypocritical. Really, I mean if you're gonna say something you despise and then turn around and do the same thing, well, you're not much better now, are you?

The Stipulation: If you're calling someone out on their drama ( which really you shouldn't unless it involves you because it's none of ya biz) and that's the end of it, then whatever. But...then that could start an online arguing match which is about as productive as trying to lick your elbows. Omg, did you really just try and lick your elbow? SMH.


The Overuser of Abbreviations:

We all use them as I just illustrated above, but saying your ROTFLMAO is a sheer lie. You have not fallen off your chair and are now rolling around on the floor laughing your ass off, Shhhhh, don't try and argue with me, you aren't doing that.. Half the time we say we are LOL we are sitting in total silence perhaps thinking how funny something is but not actually projecting laughter out loud. Think about it. When did we stop actually typing words out?! Scratch that, when did we stop speaking words and formulating sentences?? Oh that's right, when social media took over the world. Now it looks like this: " OMG, BRB, LML. SMH. LOL." I am pretty sure I have even seen people make up their own abbreviations as if the rest of us are going to know what the hell you even mean. Just say it...spell the word out and say it. I know you can do it!

The Stipulation: You're in middle school or maaaaaybe even High School,  Or eating chips and only have one hand to type your post, I guess I can empathize with that one.
.


The Play-By-Player:

Ya know, the people that post about every little thing they are doing at every blessed moment of the day? I went to pee. I made a bagel. I walked downstairs. I went to work. Work is good. I can't wait to get out of work. I am out of work, Just got home from work. Holy crap, seriously? I am giving an extremely slow clap for your very detailed, and fun-filled day...it was almost like I was right there with you. Chill it out, a little...make us wonder what you're doing for at least ten minutes. Trust me, we'll miss you.

The Stipulation: You're doing something insanely exciting and rare like bungee jumping off the Great Wall of China or climbing Mt.Everest. Then...then I want to know every emotion as you prepare to leap off a wall and fearfully face death and then I want to know every sight and step as you ascend to the summit of a notorious mountain. Only...then.


The Mean Foul Mouther: Dude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? Some swearing can give emphasis to a post or sometimes even make something funnier, but saying racist or homophobic things or acting like your some badass because you threaten people over the internet is lame and makes you look weak. If you have something to say to someone or if you have that much hatred then you should probably go to the source and check yourself into therapy. Sorry.

The Stipulation: There isn't one. Be nice.

The Mystery Poster:

This one irks me the most, let me just tell you. I have actually posted about this on my own Facebook page before. The person that posts very vague posts simply to lure you in so you ask specific questions thus triggering their desired response and attention. It goes like any of these:
" I just heard the news today. So sad." or, "Heartbroken."or, " I can't believe it."or, "Never been so happy in my whole life!!"or " Looks like things are gonna go my way." Really? REALLY?? What is so sad? Why are you heartbroken? What is making you so happy? What is finally going your way? I mean what!  WHAT is it, my God just say it before I gauge my own eyeballs out!!!!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I wouldn't do that but it truly is frustrating because it is painfully obvious what you seek out of a post like that. You want people to ask you what's going on when you can just say it to begin with and we can all be like, " Oh, congrats" or tell you we're sorry to hear it or something like that. Just be up front and SAY IT!! Grrrr.

The Stipulation:  Your phone, tablet, or computer dies and you weren't able to type the rest of the sentence thus explaining any of the above.


The Perfect Lifer:

Bought a new yacht today, did ya? Does it match your Maserati and fit in your boat slip out side of your island home? Wow, that is just fabulous. Or the friggin, #LML and Hearts because I bathe in puppies and poop rainbows made of happiness and glitter. Look if you work hard for the things you have then great, but please, for the love of God, do not sit here and pretend that your life is perfect just because of money or pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. I am NOT saying not to be proud of things and I am NOT saying that we shouldn't appreciate what we have, but naturally triggering others to compare themselves to a falsified situation is kind of shitty. Sharing a materialistic life online is far different then sharing a life online you just simply love. Talking about a family day at the beach is a beautiful thing, saying how you and your family just ate at the most expensive restaurant on the beach and are now staying in a five star resort is not. It's purposely mentioned to have others envy you and feel bad about themselves in one way or another which indicates you're not as happy deep down as you claim to be. If you were, well...you wouldn't have to do that.

The Stipulation: People that have overcome a struggle or work very hard for the things they have but don't feel like that's all that matters in life. No one cares about your $90 dollar steak, I could buy a ton of steaks at the grocery store for that. I'm not being a hater contrary to what some may think, I'm just calling out the facade in which some hide behind. We see it.


The Laundry Airer Outter:

This one is pretty similar to the Drama McDramason folk except instead of it making you roll your eyes, it makes you cringe and raise your eyebrows asking, " Did they really just post that?" I'm talking the people revealing their drug addictions and their spouses cheating and their children needing therapy and the fact that they want to kill themselves on a daily basis. Like, whoa. WHOA. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, sometimes it can make you angry at people and sometimes you just don't know what to say or think. Kinda leaves us all whistling as we slowly look around while backing away and out of the room like Peter Griffin would do on Family Guy, Shit just got realllll awkward.

The Stipulation:  Sometimes I feel like people post certain things as a cry for help and while we all mostly ignore these awkward confessions and feelings, a simple private message could potentially go a long way in a time of need.

The I-Love-Myselfer: This one is simple: they post 245,558 pictures of themselves in various selfie positions where we can clearly see their arm extended in the front and all the poses look the same. Their albums consist of one thing: themselves. Their posts consist of places like the gym, mall, and bedroom with one important person: themselves. We get it, you like you.

The Stipulation:  If you have lost a lot of weight or have finally come out of your shell and like the way you look when you never have before or something. I can get that. But jeez, just because you're pretty or handsome doesn't mean we need to see every possible face you can make or eye shadow color you have in your make-up bag. Take a pic of your ankle or something for once.

So this has been an official observation by me on how to not be so annoying on Facebook. Chances are, we know most of the people on our Facebook page ( or used to) in real life so to see people put on a show can be a little frustrating and even disheartening at times.

 The hard truth is that people can post whatever they want on their own page and if you don't like it, don't read it and blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah I get it. I'm sure I have even been guilty of some of the above at times, but this is just a friendly suggestion to the people that will now probably delete me from their Facebook. Haha.
 I'm just saying, let's all kick it old school and go out for coffee or drinks and use real life to air our dirty laundry, be dramatic, and brag about the things our other friends don't have and leave if off of Facebook.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to be dramatic in person :D

END RANT ;)