How to Not be Annoying on Facebook

Ah, Facebook: The place to share all your shit. And I do mean ALL.

Yes, our main means of communication are via the internet and social sites these days, but come on, people! Falsifying your life and sharing your most private, and quite frankly, inappropriate drama, pics, or stories are not going to give you the attention you think it will. Negative attention is not really something we should strive for. I know I don't.

Now, of course, Facebook might be one of the only ways you might see your grandma in California or your 5th grade bestie that teaches Art History in France, so I get why we post pics of the fam or announce our latest achievements. That's what I feel like Facebook is for and I'm giving a big
 "Like" for that kind of stuff.  I am just saying let's be real about our lives at least a little bit because all the fakeness really isn't cool.

Here are some things I feel if we saw less of, our scrolling experience would be much more enjoyable:

The Drama McDramason:

"Nobody understands me and I hate my life," or ," He's such a good-for- nothing-piece-of-crap and me and my kids are better off and I don't know how I will afford my prescriptions now," or , " Well, guess they're foreclosing on my house and taking my car."

Yikes, dudes...friggin' yikes.

Yup, you've seen it, don't lie. The people that share very private and embarrassing things but clearly don't realize how it is perceived by others. Just stop. STOP. Everyone has drama in their lives and everyone has a history, however, not everyone has enough whiskey in their liquor cabinet to deal with your crap on top of their own. Seriously, it's stressful.

The Stipulation:  You're speaking of a universally hated subject like child abuse, animal abuse, or domestic violence. By all means, post about how all of the above piss you off and make you sick because we are right there with ya.


The Drama McDramason Hater that is also a Drama McDramason:

The post goes a lil' something like this: " I can't stand all the drama I see on Facebook". Then, low and behold, a few days later, they are posting the most detailed, ranting and raving post about the guy that left you when you had your first baby at 15 which now caused you to have no money and so now you have to strip for a living and no one ever helps you. EVER.
Wait, what? Didn't you just say you can't stand seeing drama? Don't be so hypocritical. Really, I mean if you're gonna say something you despise and then turn around and do the same thing, well, you're not much better now, are you?

The Stipulation: If you're calling someone out on their drama ( which really you shouldn't unless it involves you because it's none of ya biz) and that's the end of it, then whatever. But...then that could start an online arguing match which is about as productive as trying to lick your elbows. Omg, did you really just try and lick your elbow? SMH.


The Overuser of Abbreviations:

We all use them as I just illustrated above, but saying your ROTFLMAO is a sheer lie. You have not fallen off your chair and are now rolling around on the floor laughing your ass off, Shhhhh, don't try and argue with me, you aren't doing that.. Half the time we say we are LOL we are sitting in total silence perhaps thinking how funny something is but not actually projecting laughter out loud. Think about it. When did we stop actually typing words out?! Scratch that, when did we stop speaking words and formulating sentences?? Oh that's right, when social media took over the world. Now it looks like this: " OMG, BRB, LML. SMH. LOL." I am pretty sure I have even seen people make up their own abbreviations as if the rest of us are going to know what the hell you even mean. Just say it...spell the word out and say it. I know you can do it!

The Stipulation: You're in middle school or maaaaaybe even High School,  Or eating chips and only have one hand to type your post, I guess I can empathize with that one.
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The Play-By-Player:

Ya know, the people that post about every little thing they are doing at every blessed moment of the day? I went to pee. I made a bagel. I walked downstairs. I went to work. Work is good. I can't wait to get out of work. I am out of work, Just got home from work. Holy crap, seriously? I am giving an extremely slow clap for your very detailed, and fun-filled day...it was almost like I was right there with you. Chill it out, a little...make us wonder what you're doing for at least ten minutes. Trust me, we'll miss you.

The Stipulation: You're doing something insanely exciting and rare like bungee jumping off the Great Wall of China or climbing Mt.Everest. Then...then I want to know every emotion as you prepare to leap off a wall and fearfully face death and then I want to know every sight and step as you ascend to the summit of a notorious mountain. Only...then.


The Mean Foul Mouther: Dude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? Some swearing can give emphasis to a post or sometimes even make something funnier, but saying racist or homophobic things or acting like your some badass because you threaten people over the internet is lame and makes you look weak. If you have something to say to someone or if you have that much hatred then you should probably go to the source and check yourself into therapy. Sorry.

The Stipulation: There isn't one. Be nice.

The Mystery Poster:

This one irks me the most, let me just tell you. I have actually posted about this on my own Facebook page before. The person that posts very vague posts simply to lure you in so you ask specific questions thus triggering their desired response and attention. It goes like any of these:
" I just heard the news today. So sad." or, "Heartbroken."or, " I can't believe it."or, "Never been so happy in my whole life!!"or " Looks like things are gonna go my way." Really? REALLY?? What is so sad? Why are you heartbroken? What is making you so happy? What is finally going your way? I mean what!  WHAT is it, my God just say it before I gauge my own eyeballs out!!!!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I wouldn't do that but it truly is frustrating because it is painfully obvious what you seek out of a post like that. You want people to ask you what's going on when you can just say it to begin with and we can all be like, " Oh, congrats" or tell you we're sorry to hear it or something like that. Just be up front and SAY IT!! Grrrr.

The Stipulation:  Your phone, tablet, or computer dies and you weren't able to type the rest of the sentence thus explaining any of the above.


The Perfect Lifer:

Bought a new yacht today, did ya? Does it match your Maserati and fit in your boat slip out side of your island home? Wow, that is just fabulous. Or the friggin, #LML and Hearts because I bathe in puppies and poop rainbows made of happiness and glitter. Look if you work hard for the things you have then great, but please, for the love of God, do not sit here and pretend that your life is perfect just because of money or pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. I am NOT saying not to be proud of things and I am NOT saying that we shouldn't appreciate what we have, but naturally triggering others to compare themselves to a falsified situation is kind of shitty. Sharing a materialistic life online is far different then sharing a life online you just simply love. Talking about a family day at the beach is a beautiful thing, saying how you and your family just ate at the most expensive restaurant on the beach and are now staying in a five star resort is not. It's purposely mentioned to have others envy you and feel bad about themselves in one way or another which indicates you're not as happy deep down as you claim to be. If you were, well...you wouldn't have to do that.

The Stipulation: People that have overcome a struggle or work very hard for the things they have but don't feel like that's all that matters in life. No one cares about your $90 dollar steak, I could buy a ton of steaks at the grocery store for that. I'm not being a hater contrary to what some may think, I'm just calling out the facade in which some hide behind. We see it.


The Laundry Airer Outter:

This one is pretty similar to the Drama McDramason folk except instead of it making you roll your eyes, it makes you cringe and raise your eyebrows asking, " Did they really just post that?" I'm talking the people revealing their drug addictions and their spouses cheating and their children needing therapy and the fact that they want to kill themselves on a daily basis. Like, whoa. WHOA. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, sometimes it can make you angry at people and sometimes you just don't know what to say or think. Kinda leaves us all whistling as we slowly look around while backing away and out of the room like Peter Griffin would do on Family Guy, Shit just got realllll awkward.

The Stipulation:  Sometimes I feel like people post certain things as a cry for help and while we all mostly ignore these awkward confessions and feelings, a simple private message could potentially go a long way in a time of need.

The I-Love-Myselfer: This one is simple: they post 245,558 pictures of themselves in various selfie positions where we can clearly see their arm extended in the front and all the poses look the same. Their albums consist of one thing: themselves. Their posts consist of places like the gym, mall, and bedroom with one important person: themselves. We get it, you like you.

The Stipulation:  If you have lost a lot of weight or have finally come out of your shell and like the way you look when you never have before or something. I can get that. But jeez, just because you're pretty or handsome doesn't mean we need to see every possible face you can make or eye shadow color you have in your make-up bag. Take a pic of your ankle or something for once.

So this has been an official observation by me on how to not be so annoying on Facebook. Chances are, we know most of the people on our Facebook page ( or used to) in real life so to see people put on a show can be a little frustrating and even disheartening at times.

 The hard truth is that people can post whatever they want on their own page and if you don't like it, don't read it and blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah I get it. I'm sure I have even been guilty of some of the above at times, but this is just a friendly suggestion to the people that will now probably delete me from their Facebook. Haha.
 I'm just saying, let's all kick it old school and go out for coffee or drinks and use real life to air our dirty laundry, be dramatic, and brag about the things our other friends don't have and leave if off of Facebook.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to be dramatic in person :D

END RANT ;)

The Truth about Childbirth: Ouch

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDBIRTH: OUCH

07/13/2014

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And so I present you with the ever popular, yet not understood unless you experience it, phrase that you hear from new mothers: the day my child was born was the greatest day of my life. It's true, so very true. What is also true, however, is that I only remember portions of the greatest day of my life as it was also the most painful and terrifying experience I have endured to date! 
I went into see my OB GYN only to find out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low and I needed to get to the hospital right away. Now being 41 weeks pregnant at this point, I knew the day would come where I would actually give birth, but it got way too real way too quick. Wait, something of what size was going to come out of where? I'm going to do this, like, now at this very moment? Surely there is time, he can wait a little longer...say, a few more months? No, a few more months he would certainly reach at least 20 pounds and that would really hurt. Ok, now is the time, I suppose.
I was started on Pitocin right away once I reached my delivery room to get my contractions going. Contractions. Those were a real treat, too. I remember thinking so many times at work and at home that I was feeling one and I didn't believe all my friends and co-workers that said, " oh trust me, you'll know when your having them". Hmm, right you were, my friends, right you were. I was in no way feeling anything resembling a real contraction until I was started on the Pitocin drip. At first, I said to the nurse, " Oh, there's a contraction! That's not so bad!". She looked at me and smiled clearly thinking, " How cute". My nonchalant way of dealing with the "not so bad" contractions would soon be typical of the woman in the movies yelling, "give me the drugs, now!!". 
This all began at 10:00 in the morning so by the afternoon, I become quite uncomfortable. My nurses were fantastic and even assisted me in getting into the tub to try and relieve my pain. It was helpful, but not enough. My husband fueled himself on coffee and was there every step of the way holding my hand and reassuring me that everything would be alright. Seeing how my entire pregnancy I was completely off my rocker, I was very thankful that he was able to be so supportive even after the many times I threatened his life just for looking at me funny. Sorry, honey.
Anyway, 11:00 that night I received the epidural injection finally. I know some of you may be thinking how much of a wuss I am for taking the drugs, but I was not doing well at trying to champ it out and stay strong. The doctor ordered me to get some sleep once things started to become a bit numb, but as one could imagine, I really wasn't able to get much shut eye. I thought about whether the baby was okay in there, I thought about whether he would come out with all of his fingers and toes, I thought about whether I was ready to do this ( a little late for that thought, however).
By 5:30 the next morning, the pushing began. I am still unsure if the epidural just wore off or what, but I felt everything. I shook, I vomited, I hyperventilated to the point of needing an oxygen mask and as my husband stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, I began letting anxiety take me over. I told him I would miss him and to take care of the baby as I was surely going to die right then and there. He assured me I wouldn't but I was not convinced. With every contraction and every push, I felt like everything inside of me was trying to turn itself inside out. My son was sunny side up as they like to call it which meant the he was trying to come out face up instead of down. This causes a more difficult descent under the pubic bone during delivery but, thankfully, he was able to be turned the proper way. Whew! One less thing to worry about, right?


Three and a half hours later my son made his entry into the world. After all the Hollywood screaming I did, using a mirror down below for pushing motivation ( quite the sight), letting a student nurse into the room to watch the delivery, and going through several puke bags, I finally held his warm-skinned little body against my chest. Through the tears, I remember my first words to him being, " hello, my little baby". I swear he smiled then.
There was pain, there was fear, there was joy, there was astonishment. There was life. A little man that I sang to, poked at, worried about, and loved for nine months was finally here. It is true that this was the moment I decided that it was the greatest day of my life and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are all different, our experiences are unique to our own lives and my labor and delivery was definitely one for the books .Many people tried to sugar coat labor to me as they didn't want to frighten me. As much as I appreciate that, I think it is important to acknowledge all of the different things that come along with it and that it's okay to be afraid. Your giving birth to a human that changes your body and exits from an area that geometrically makes no sense. Hello! Totally acceptable to be terrified, my friends. So if any mommy's to be are reading this, just know that yes, it is painful and scary.The most important thing, however, is knowing that it is worth every second of hard work when you see your little angel for the first time and feel their breath on your skin. You got this.

Wishes for my Baby Boy

MY BABY BOY

07/13/2014

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Skin to skin, our first moments were forever heart binding. I looked down at you through tears of joy and astonishment and thanked God for such a tiny miracle. Nine months I spent praying your arrival would include ten toes, ten fingers, smooth heart beats, and steady breaths. Every morning I would drive to work with one hand on my belly as I sang to you and gently tap you to the rhythm. I knew where you were toward the late months , but I took my best guess early on. You always responded to my serenades, even if you were only appeasing your dear old Mom.

I cried when you were quiet and laughed when you were playful. I worried often and needed constant reassurance that you were okay whether that be from family, friends, or physicians. Oh, and the ever trusted search engines of endless information. That usually didn't help Mom, too much....

I had so many prayers and wishes for you. I still do now and I always will. I hope you don't mind if I share them with you.....

I pray and wish that you see with beautiful colors, purity, and non-judgemental eyes; remember, son, you never know where someone has been, is now, or will end up. And let's face it, no one has time to spend in the "gray area" of life so we might as well go after the rainbows.

I pray and wish that you hear with patience, understanding, and reasoning. You will not always be right and you must learn to truly grasp the core of what is being presented to you by listening. When you have patience, you understand and when you understand, you can then reason. This, my baby boy, is listening.

I pray and wish that you feel with empathy, compassion, and appreciation. Don't be ashamed to befriend the underdog, cry when you see fit, or forget to enjoy the little things. Sunshine on our faces and air in our lungs are things we all tend to take for granted when it comes to the physicality of feeling; stop and be thankful for it.

I pray and wish that you grow up to be exactly what you dream of and that you do it because you love it. Money is important and money is great but money won't always bring sheer satisfaction. I would rather you be a happy poor man than a man that does work only for the green of it.

Never let anyone make you feel inferior or make you do anything you know is wrong. You are your own person and if you don't do the right thing,quite frankly,no one is going to do it for you.

When you can give, give but don't let anyone take you for granted.When you decide to love and truly love, do it with your whole heart. Don't give up on love or be afraid of it just because it may not work for you the first time. There is no such thing as a perfect person just the person that you still desire when the gloves come off, the river runs dry, and the true colors shine through. Make sure, dear boy, that when you offer your name to a worthy woman that she is the only thing that you see when you picture eternity. Cherish her, respect her, and make her your queen. Love....well love really does make the world go round. Remember that.

Right now, as I write this, you are young. Young enough to still yield to the innocence of this not-so-kind place that we live in yet the place that truly does posess so many special wonders and treasures. You will learn to speak, you will learn to walk, and you will learn to do all of the things that I wish and pray for your life. I will always kiss your boo-boo's, check for monsters under your bed, support you, tell you the truth, and above all...love you with all of my soul. You are my son, my first born, my buddy, my life. If only for a while, I will cherish the days I have right now where you are just a little boy that holds his mother's hand and won't let go.