Let's face it.....
Whether you have one kid or twelve kids, getting ready to go out is a pain in the ass. I don't know about you, but I swear my son waits for me to be concentrating on myself for five seconds to need me.
I could be like, " give Mama a kiss or a hug" and he leaves my ass mid pucker wanting nada to do with me. I start to put on my makeup, and he climbs on me as if he wants to be inside of my skin. Like, how close can you get, kid? Jesus.
Anyway, I have some strategies, tips, and suggestions on how to accomplish all your cleansing and beauty routines to start your day or night!
Ahem....
1. SHOWERING :
Bring the kiddo in the shower, pull up a high chair, pack n play, or put them in their crib with toys; whatever works best for you and your comfort level. Keep the shower at around 1 minute and 30 seconds. Be sure to wash your hair with one hand and wash your body with the other for a maximum spa experience. If you're lucky enough to shave, make sure you do so erratically. Remember, you only have fifteen seconds left at this point since by now your child is surely screaming or breaking shit. Don't be worried about the blood dripping down your legs and missed patches of hair, you'll get that next month.
2. PICKING AN OUTFIT:
Girrrrrl, you know you wanna wear that light-colored designer blouse you just got. So fancy. But might I suggest sticking with neutral colors that closely resemble vomit, regurgitated food, and possible urine and poop? Sticky fingers will surely find their way to you and, just as luck would have it, it will most likely be when you're wearing white. Wear black. Partially because you're in mourning.
3. MAKEUP:
If you forgot to wash off your makeup before bed and you have Q-tips, we'll you're in luck! You're only moments away from a gorgeously, crafted face. Simply wet or suck on the end of a Q-tip and carefully remove strayed eyeliner and mascara from the previous day! Be sure to get allllll that black shit up on your forehead, down by your nostrils, and over by the end of your eyebrows and voila'! Fresh new look! Now, if you did go to bed without makeup, simply cover your dark hag bags with concealer ( you just grabbed diaper rash cream, I said concealer) and throw on a little mascara while watching your child out of the corner of your eye. Keep an eye patch near by and recruit a seeing eye dog just in case.
4. HAIR:
Now I don't know about you, but nothing makes my already thin hair thin out even more then a one year old yanking on it and twirling it into a knot. My suggestion would be either shaving your head completely, or keeping it in a ponytail at all times. If you choose to style your hair, say, with a straight iron be sure to have an ice pack on hand. It is very likely you will burn your scalp or forehead due to a sudden head movement to yell at your little one to put the effing plunger down.
5. JEWELERY:
If you want to keep strangling at bay, and elongated earlobes looking unstretched, simply superglue necklace to skin and staple earrings to lobes. It really is that easy, folks. No more broken necklace chains resulting in eaten or lost charms, no more sagging ears that belong in a National Geographic picture, purely enjoyable jewelery that your little one cannot alter. Ah, sounds glorious, doesn't it?
And there you have it; simple ways to getting ready to head out for the day or evening that take almost zero effort. Enjoy!
No comments:
Post a Comment