Screw You, Cell Phone, I Hate You.

                                     

     

Dear Cell Phone,

Who the crap do you think you are?!

I do not appreciate your presumptuous demeanor.  You have no business telling me that I should be saying or thinking something differently than I already am on a daily basis.

I also don't appreciate your rude attempts to turn clean conversation into dirty conversation.  Oh wait,  what?  You have no idea what I'm talking about?  Do you recall me saying I'm on my way to the store to buy some new pens? Yeah,  I said PENS not PENIS.

I mean, where do you get off making me look like I can't even formulate a correct sentence??!

Example:

Me: "I can't believe the doc oven by itsel. Crew."

Other Person: "Wtf?"

Me: "Ugh, no. That was supposed to say I can't believe the door opened by itself.  Creepy."

Seriously?

If I am upset,  I choose to express it. Who are you to tell me how to feel? Maybe foul language isn't always the best choice in a conversation,  but I never mean the following :

"I am so DUCKING tired of her SHOT. She totally PASSED me off.  What a DUCKING BATCH. "

No,  mother Fulkerson, I was a lot angrier than that.  And I am not sure who the help Fulkerson is!!!!!? 

OMG, not help,  HELL. 

AAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

You suck.

Aside from anger,  if I am sad,  I want to let that be known as well.  If I am hurt,  the person who hurt me,  indeed,  needs to know.

When one says:

" I can't believe you right now.  You have me in years and you don't event case. "

One really means:

"I can't believe you right now.  You have me in tears and you don't even care. "

So now, the person that should feel bad for hurting my feelings is now in "years" because they are laughing so hard. Fan-friggin-tastic. 

Then there's your uncanny knack to send a text to the wrong person. What, you just bump people to the top of my messages list for no reason? I mean I was trying to tell my husband that I was looking forward to a kiss and some snuggling. My HUSBAND. 

Sorry, Dad. That was awkward.

Anyway, you just need to back off, ok? Let me decide what I'm trying to say and what kind of emotion I'm trying to project. 

If you do not complete my request, please note that your new home may be inside of a blender, an abyss of drywall, or an ocean floor. 

Thanks for being a royal pain in the asset.

ASS!

-Lauren