Squeaky Red Nose Phobia

I hate clowns, ok? I feel like such an epic fail as a mother even saying that because I just KNOW my son is going to grow up and be like, " Hey, Mom...I totes want a clown party", and I'm gonna be all like, " umm, yeah no." Then tears will flow, my son will resent me and grow up to be none other than-you guessed it- a circus clown. Sigh.

So it all started when I was, oh, maybe nine. I used to love watching this show on Nickelodeon where they told spooky ghost stories around a campfire and...wait, what the hell happened to that show? It was actually a really good show. Hmmm, I should Google that. Anyway,there was one episode about a clown that was trapped inside this funhouse with a bunch of kids. He was not a nice clown. I thankfully don't remember every detail of the episode, I just know that that was the beginning of my desires to be a clown slayer. Figuratively speaking.

I grew older, I'd say around thirteen, when my second horrifying clown encounter debuted in my young life. I was at a slumber party and us happy, peppy, bubble-gum-chewing gals were debating over which scary movies we should rent. Some mentioned the Halloween flicks, Chucky, Freddy...the usual classic choices. Then I heard someone say, "well how about 'It' by Stephen King?" I knew who the infamous author was back then but I had not heard of this particular movie adaptation nor the book.

I'm not certain if it was the voice, the teeth, the eyes or...yeah....I'll go with all of those things that literally made me cry with fear after seeing that movie. I had already decided to break up my relationship with clowns from watching the campfire show as a kid and now....now I was swearing a life long allegiance to boycott their existence altogether. Well played, by the way Mr. King, well played. You scared many children.

So here I sit. 30 years old and still afraid of clowns. Quite pathetic, I'm aware of that, but I just can't love them like I did when I was real little. I've tried to come to terms with, oh, maybe a hobo clown? They're usually funny with that squirting flower routine. Yeah, no. Not even them. I've tried  attending public places where clowns and humans gather like Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights in Florida and a local amusement park here in New England. Nah, still couldn't invite one out for a beer. Ha.

I'm confident I'll get over it. I know I'm not the only one out there afraid of these wise guys, but I still need some time to mull it over. Fact of the matter is, if a clown lost consciousness...ok I'd help it out ( no pun intended with the It) with some CPR or at least call quietly for help. If my son wanted a clown party, by all means Mommy would totally plan one and would never give the clown the wrong address to the party. No sir! Kidding, kidding.

Like I said, I'll get over it. In the interim, they should totally come up with a Game of Clowns series so I can audition for that Clown Slayer role..... ;)