Parenting Rules I find to be Crap

Do you ever wonder if your doing things right as a parent? Like, should your child be at a different milestone or should they be doing, or NOT doing, this or that by now? I think that often, but I do my very best to tell myself to cut the shit because my son is my son and nobody else's. He is an individual and I don't know about you, but I despise people that try and tell you how to parent and buy into all these timelines of when kids should stop this and start that.

Here are what I find to be somewhat myths to parenting and why you, if you worry like me, should say screw the "scientific research studies":


Breastfeeding:
I breastfed for 7 and a half months and I don't regret a single moment of it. I wholeheartedly believe in its benefits and support anyone who does it and I would certainly do it again. I don't think, however, that someone should be put down if they decide against it or can't do it for long. Maybe there is a medical reason or maybe they just can't produce enough. It happens! If you can breastfeed, I say do it as long as you can, but if you can't, don't totally beat yourself up over it. As long as your baby is thriving and healthy I mean ,come on, what else matters??
I also hate the breastfeeding myth that if you nurse too often, or nurse your baby to sleep, they will forever need you to fall asleep. No. Yes it was hard. and will be for most, to wean off of the breast but it can and will be done. It's a comfort and a special bond between a mom and her baby so shut up, critics, and simmer the hell down!


Ferber Method-Crying it Out:
Oh your baby will never learn to self soothe unless you let them cry for four F'ing hours to the point that snot is running down their face, they are banging their head against the crib, and terrified. Yeah, no. I'm sorry but the cry it out method is not for me. If my son is being a little jerk and throwing a tantrum over nothing, then that's one thing but when it comes to sleep I don't believe that it's all that beneficial.
Look, as a parent, you know that you are not neglecting your child when you lie them down at night but they don't know that. I am not saying not to let them cry for a while because chances are they will fall asleep, but if I have to go in and pick up my son to tell him it's ok, then I will. Sometimes rubbing their back, bringing them out to the couch while you finish a movie or to lying in bed with you is all the comfort they need to sleep soundly and other times they will do just fine in their crib. It just depends on the day for my son and if he needs me a little more one day then another, I don't find it all that big of a deal.

That leads me to....

Co-Sleeping:
I personally have been hyper aware of my sons' presence since day one. I wasn't too keen on bringing him into bed with us because I was nervous we would roll over on him, of course, but I found it to be quite the opposite. I knew every breath, every movement and every mid-sleep smile my son made and still do. Now just like crying it out, some experts say that co-sleeping won't allow your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. Yeah, they're probably right. Your kid will definitely still be sleeping with you when they are 17. Come on, people!! Yes, you should teach your child to sleep in their own crib/bed but if they don't, so what?!  You can always put them to bed alone after they fall asleep. Sure, Mom and Dad don't cuddle as much but hey.......

Naps:
Kids don't always nap and they change the times of those naps and stop trying so hard!!!! Napping is uber important but sometimes it just ain't gonna happen at noon everyday or when you want it to. Relax, leave at least one eyeball in the socket when you feel like gauging them out and try again in a
little bit.

Food:
My son is a very picky eater which is weird because my husband and I are not! No wait, it's not weird because, I'll say it again, my son is an individual. He wants certain things right now and unfortunately it isn't always the healthy stuff we want him to have. At this point, we give him what he will eat and make it as nutritious as we can. If he won't eat his chicken, we know he will have calcium rich yogurt, if he won't eat his Mac and cheese we know he will eat some protein packed peanut butter and jelly. Ok the jelly isn't perfect and not all kids are ready or able to have peanut butter ,but you catch my drift.


So all I am trying to say here is that every kid is different and they will learn at their own pace. I realized that I wasn't truly worried deep down about any of the above, I was worried because I thought it was I was supposed to do. I read countless articles about parenting and compared my son to their rules and guidelines and wondered if it was ok that we were doing certain things. Well I say
screw it. Whatever makes the parent and the child happy and comfortable in unison is probably the right thing to do.

I say, stop worrying because that's what others want you to do and waste your time worrying when you really need to. Easier said then done, but I plan to give it a whirl!

The Logan Chronicles: Up-Sleeping

On today's episode of TLC,  I share my thoughts on my child's new ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  It's weird.

I think my kid is Narcoleptic.  I'm not 100% sure this is true,  but it has valuable supporting evidence. 

Last week I planned to go next door to visit my friend and had put my son to bed as normal.  I always check on him around,  oh, I'd say 765 times in a very short amount of time, but that night I didn't check him till right before I left the house.  When I crept up the stairs and into his room I could see the top of his head against the corner of the crib.  I found it to be very creepy at first and went further for a better look.

Yep,  there he was: sleeping sitting up against the crib.  Never in my most tired or drunken nights have I ever fallen asleep sitting up.  I suppose you could say I was impressed by this.

Since then,  he has fallen asleep sitting up a few times and it's very cute.  I also find it very odd and I'm like,  ummm is this OK?  I imagine it is,  but it's one of those first time Mom worries where you don't know what the hell is normal and what isn't. 

Either way,  I named these incidences,  " Up-Sleeping".  Don't get jealous of the originality,  now people,  I was born with this witty brain and I can't help it.

Anyway, today, the mother of all up-sleeps occurred.  I was doing my make up just in the next room where I can clearly see my son playing.  Seeing how we had to move all excess furniture ( i. e side tables and rocking chair)  to the other room due to him climbing it all,  there are little spaces of floor and wall on either end of the couch that he hangs out in. 

I heard him whine about something briefly and then it got real quiet.  That always scares me so I got up to  have a peep and found him up-sleeping ....against the wall.  He seriously looked like a drunk little old man that just couldn't make it home from the bar. 

So I think up-sleeping is better than no-sleeping,  right?  I am curious to see where he passes out next and what other new found  abilities we will see. 

 Maybe the ability to do the dishes and laundry?  Nah,  I ain't that lucky. 

My Wicked Hard Pasta Bake

Now unless you're on an Emeril or Rachael Ray level,  this pasta bake may be a little advanced.  Give it a whirl though,  ya never know when your culinary counterpart may emerge. 

Ingredients:

1 box of pasta (any kind) 

1-2 jars of spaghetti sauce (any kind)

1 bag of cheese (you guessed it, any flave) 

1 baking dish ( a big one) 

Some seasoning such as Italian seasoning,  garlic salt,  and good ole' salt and pep. 

Instructions: 

-Preheat oven to 350

-Cook pasta according to box

-Drain pasta

-Add seasoning to drained pasta and place in baking dish

-Add spaghetti sauce and cheese

-Bake till the cheese is melted and bubbly

You're Welcome. 

5 Ways a Mom Can Stay Pretty

Let's face it.....

Whether you have one kid or twelve kids,  getting ready to go out is a pain in the ass.  I don't know about you,  but I swear my son waits for me to be concentrating on myself for five seconds to need me.

  I could be like, " give Mama a kiss or a hug"  and he leaves my ass mid pucker wanting nada to do with me. I start to put on my makeup,  and he climbs on me as if he wants to be inside of my skin. Like,  how close can you get,  kid? Jesus.

Anyway,  I have some strategies,  tips,  and suggestions on how to accomplish all your cleansing and beauty routines to start your day or night! 

Ahem.... 

1. SHOWERING :

Bring the kiddo in the shower, pull up a high chair, pack n play, or put them in their crib with toys; whatever works best for you and your comfort level. Keep the shower at around 1 minute and 30 seconds. Be sure to wash your hair with one hand and wash your body with the other for a maximum spa experience. If you're lucky enough to shave, make sure you do so erratically. Remember, you only have fifteen seconds left at this point since by now your child is surely screaming or breaking shit. Don't be worried about the blood dripping down your legs and missed patches of hair, you'll get that next month.

2. PICKING AN OUTFIT:

Girrrrrl, you know you wanna wear that light-colored designer blouse you just got. So fancy. But might I suggest sticking with neutral colors that closely resemble vomit, regurgitated food, and possible urine and poop? Sticky fingers will surely find their way to you and, just as luck would have it, it will most likely be when you're wearing white. Wear black.  Partially because you're  in mourning. 

3. MAKEUP:

If you forgot to wash off your makeup before bed and you have Q-tips,  we'll you're in luck! You're only moments away from a gorgeously, crafted face.  Simply wet or suck on the end of a Q-tip and carefully remove strayed eyeliner and mascara from the previous day!  Be sure to get allllll that black shit up on your forehead, down by your nostrils, and over by the end of your eyebrows and voila'!  Fresh new look! Now,  if you did go to bed without makeup, simply cover your dark hag bags with concealer ( you just grabbed diaper rash cream,  I said concealer)  and throw on a little mascara while watching your child out of the corner of your eye.  Keep an eye patch near by and recruit a seeing eye dog just in case. 

4. HAIR:

Now I don't know about you,  but nothing makes my already thin hair thin out even more then a one year old yanking on it and twirling it into a knot.  My suggestion would be either shaving your head completely, or keeping it in a ponytail at all times. If you choose to style your hair, say, with a straight iron be sure to have an ice pack on hand.  It is very likely you will burn your scalp or forehead due to a sudden head movement to yell at your little one to put the effing plunger down.  

5. JEWELERY:

If you want to keep strangling at bay,  and elongated earlobes looking unstretched, simply superglue necklace to skin and staple earrings to lobes.  It really is that easy,  folks. No more broken necklace chains resulting in eaten or lost charms, no more sagging ears that belong in a National Geographic picture, purely enjoyable jewelery that your little one cannot alter.  Ah, sounds glorious,  doesn't it? 

And there you have it; simple ways to getting ready to head out for the day or evening that take almost zero effort. Enjoy! 

Screw You, Cell Phone, I Hate You.

                                     

     

Dear Cell Phone,

Who the crap do you think you are?!

I do not appreciate your presumptuous demeanor.  You have no business telling me that I should be saying or thinking something differently than I already am on a daily basis.

I also don't appreciate your rude attempts to turn clean conversation into dirty conversation.  Oh wait,  what?  You have no idea what I'm talking about?  Do you recall me saying I'm on my way to the store to buy some new pens? Yeah,  I said PENS not PENIS.

I mean, where do you get off making me look like I can't even formulate a correct sentence??!

Example:

Me: "I can't believe the doc oven by itsel. Crew."

Other Person: "Wtf?"

Me: "Ugh, no. That was supposed to say I can't believe the door opened by itself.  Creepy."

Seriously?

If I am upset,  I choose to express it. Who are you to tell me how to feel? Maybe foul language isn't always the best choice in a conversation,  but I never mean the following :

"I am so DUCKING tired of her SHOT. She totally PASSED me off.  What a DUCKING BATCH. "

No,  mother Fulkerson, I was a lot angrier than that.  And I am not sure who the help Fulkerson is!!!!!? 

OMG, not help,  HELL. 

AAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

You suck.

Aside from anger,  if I am sad,  I want to let that be known as well.  If I am hurt,  the person who hurt me,  indeed,  needs to know.

When one says:

" I can't believe you right now.  You have me in years and you don't event case. "

One really means:

"I can't believe you right now.  You have me in tears and you don't even care. "

So now, the person that should feel bad for hurting my feelings is now in "years" because they are laughing so hard. Fan-friggin-tastic. 

Then there's your uncanny knack to send a text to the wrong person. What, you just bump people to the top of my messages list for no reason? I mean I was trying to tell my husband that I was looking forward to a kiss and some snuggling. My HUSBAND. 

Sorry, Dad. That was awkward.

Anyway, you just need to back off, ok? Let me decide what I'm trying to say and what kind of emotion I'm trying to project. 

If you do not complete my request, please note that your new home may be inside of a blender, an abyss of drywall, or an ocean floor. 

Thanks for being a royal pain in the asset.

ASS!

-Lauren

My 61 Bitchin' Bucket List Ideas

If you live paycheck to paycheck like I do, well....checking off the items on your bucket list isn't exactly an easy task. It's actually more like a joke, really. 

 Your all like, " Shit yeah, I am SO going to Vegas and Hawaii!" 

Then you look at your bank account and your all like, " Yeah, well you know....scratch tickets, a six pack and looking at Google images of Maui are cool, too, though so....that's cool. " 

Yeah. Super cool. Thumbs up, dude.

Anyway, we all have things we want to do, places we want to see and even people we want to meet before we, uhhh, 'kick the bucket' and I've decided to share some of my bucket list items. Chances are, some of these Bad Larry's are on YOUR list, too. Check it out and we can be day dream believers together!!

Your totally singing "Daydream Believer" in your head now, aren't cha? Mmm, hmm.

1. Eat some Swiss chocolate while traveling the Swiss Alps.

2. Travel to all 50 states.

3. Hear "California Love" by Tupac come on while dancing in a club while in California- Nuff said.

4. Swim with dolphins..

5. Be in a movie.

6. Go parasailing.

7. Hug a manatee.

8. Volunteer to help out with the Special Olympics.

9. Show Tom Hanks my Forrest Gump impression.

10. Learn to break dance.

11. Jump out of a birthday cake. 

12. Be a cartoon character. Or the voice of one, anyway. Ha.

13. See a show on Broadway.

14. Hang out and shoot the poop with Ellen Degeneres.

15. Save a life.

16. Float around a zero gravity chamber.

17. Not be too afraid to skydive.

18. Moonwalk on the moon ( clearly, entering space is easier than skydiving).

19. Go to Vegas and roll some dice. And win big.

20. Wear a lei in Hawaii.

21. Go to England and pretend I'm a bloody local and have a pint of lager.

22. Lie in a field of wicked cute puppies.

24. Swim in an edgeless pool.

25. Go to a Sandals or a Beaches resort.

26. Take the family to every single Disney and Universal theme park.

27. Learn to snowboard. 

28. See the Northern Lights.

29. Dive the Titanic wreckage site. 

30. Put my feet in every ocean on Earth

31. Poke around the alleged Area 51 for some aliens.

32. Take a ride on a bobsled.

33. Go on a safari.

34. Eat a Philly cheesesteak in Philly.

35. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and yell, "I'm the king of the worlddddddd!" 

36. Eat a piece of Big Red next to Big Ben. Yeah, I don't know why either.

37. Actually do something for a Klondike bar.

38. Drive a motorcycle. 

39. Sing and record some tunes in a recording studio.

40. Crowd surf.

41. Real life wave surf.

42. Ice fish inside an igloo.

43. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.

43. See a great white shark...from really far away.

44. Pet a tiger cub.

45. Put a diaper on a monkey and feed it a bottle.

46. Carve my initials in a red wood tree.

47. Eat an apple in an Apple Store.

48. See a tornado.....also from really far away.

49. Roll down the rolling hills of Scotland.

50. Hang glide.

51. Go on a cruise.

52. Ride on a Zamboni.

53. Lose 35 lbs. 

54. Spend Christmas in a snowed in cabin in the mountains.

55. Sip a rum runner on an exotic beach in Fiji.

56. Go on a helicopter ride.

57. See Mt. Everest. 

58. Walk the Great Wall of China.

59. Go white water rafting.

60. Go ghost hunting. Maybe. 

61. Host Saturday Night Live. 

Believe it or not, that's probably just half of the things I'd like to do, see, and enjoy in my lifetime. I don't want to have to have a terminal illness or near death experience to say to myself that I need to do these things. Being alive and having one life should be reason enough.

So I don't know about you, but I plan to work really hard to attain even the unattainable on my list and hope that I'm lucky enough to cross off a few things. 

Course, for most of them I need millions of dollars and a whole lot of time but hey, ya never know!

Cheers to dreaming big and emptying out our buckets!!!

Remember the Christmas Magic?

Ah.  My son is asleep.  Kinda.  I keep hearing faint cries from his crib in the distance every so often,  but he should be dreaming shortly.

Just kidding,  he's crying loudly now. Ugh. ** Palm to forehead**.

My husband is playing some video games in the other room and I decided I shall sit here and watch a Christmas movie full of good cheer,  damnit!

While scrolling to find a jolly ole holiday movie,  I come across The Shawshank Redemption.  Seriously?  Ah yes,  I suppose nothing says Christmas like some sweet prison brutality and some shanks made out of old toothbrushes. 

Great movie,  but I keep scrolling.

Something is missing; I contemplate a beer.  Nah,  I don't feel like a beer.  That's weird I always feel like a beer.

Cookies out of the oven,  though?  Yeah I just ate six of those little delicious bastids.

Then,  as if reading my Christmas thirsty mind,  I see The Santa Clause is coming on.  I friggin' love this movie (it's legit on right now) just like I love Christmas Vacation and Home Alone and It's a Wonderful Life and all the other notorious Christmas movies.  It makes me think how long I've been watching these flicks.  I would say close to my whole life most of them have been around and they're still able to induce the same holiday warm and fuzziness as they did when I was a kid.  They trigger memories and bring me right back to those moments in time.

It's kinda sad how the holiday experience differs from childhood to adulthood.  Things were so damn magical,  ya know?

I remember thinking how cool it would be if I could catch Santa leaving gifts under the tree and eating my cookies (thanks Mom and Dad for eating the cookies) . I remember looking at all the lights on our house as if they were the entry to some magical Kingdom. When my Dad would string all those gigantic old school colored bulbs up on the tree I used to lie underneath it and stare up into the colors.  I pictured Chip and Dale chasing each other around the branches and ornaments like they did in the Mickey Mouse movies.  Never did see them though; guess I was kind of a weird kid.

I totally miss when my Dad would pull me behind him on my orange sled and we would go out into the back fields and into the woods on adventures at night. It was cold and it was probably pretty damn hard on my Dad's back,  but with a little laughter and hot chocolate....maybe spiked with rum for Pops...we had a super awesome time.  It was even cooler when the snow would actually fall while we were out there; honestly,  I still hear the crunch of my Dad's feet against the snow. 

I remember family trips to the pond for ice skating,  Mom's spritz cookies, going to look at lights in the neighborhoods,  and even Dad cutting down our own Christmas tree just like the Griswolds in Christmas Vacation.  Yeah....we were and still are a lot like the Griswolds.  Hahahahaha...such a true story.

Anyway,  Christmas was just the most kick ass thing ever.  Everything was exciting and wonderous and I'm so pumped to watch my son experience those same feelings as he grows up.

Watching these movies that have brought me joy for so many years is incredibly nostalgic and it makes me want to bring it all back in anyway that I can.

Why not believe in Santa as a grown up? Who says ya can't lie under the Christmas tree at 5"8 ft tall?  I mean let's not forget the magic we felt as kids because there's no rule that says we have to!! 

I can't wait to make new memories and traditions with my son for the holidays and I hope I can incorporate some of the memories from my childhood as well. 

I don't know if my Dad could still pull me on a sled these days but I'll never forget the days he could....

So cheers to holiday movies that make you feel warm and rejuvenate some magical memories. 

I'm going to lie under the Christmas tree now and wait for Chip and Dale....

Xoxo